Thursday, September 10, 2009

Teammates Suspect Titans' K Rob Bironas Actually Living In Weight Room

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- After a summer's worth of speculation and suspicion, players and staff of the Tennessee Titans are coming forward to voice their concerns that kicker Rob Bironas is actually living in the team weight room, rather than an oft-used metaphor to describe the kicker's workout regiment.

"I've been saying it since about March," said DE Jevon Kearse. "I saw him in there every day, usually wearing sweatpants or something that might be confused for athletic apparel. But he never got really jacked up or muscular, in fact, I think he gained about 20 or 30 lbs., you just can't tell because of that terrible beard.

"And I think I stepped on his toothbrush."

Others have been complaining about a lack of tidiness in the weight room, including Bironas' stack of Hot Rod magazines, a tattered sleeping bag, a collection of various pieces of scrap metal, as well as a pile of dirty, non-football related laundry.

Coach Jeff "Fish" Fisher says that he's been hearing nothing but good things from the coaching staff about Bironas, the vaunted kicker out of Auburn, whose financial status is hitherto undetermined by Coach Fisher or the Titan's front office.

"The coaches see him in there, practically living in that weight room," said Fisher, stroking his mustache. "Or what I thought was 'practically.' What a kicker is doing in the weight room, they have no earthly idea, but golly, I guess that shoulda been a red flag right there.

"Maybe the guys upstairs haven't been putting his check in his little box," said Fisher, speaking of the team cubby holes utilized by the team's accounting office.

Bironas was unavailable for comment, as he was digging through LenDale White's dumpster, looking for "delicious," half-eaten scraps.


  1. I'd read a hot rod magazine or two on an elliptical.

    Actually, I think ellipticals are gay, but you get my drift.

  2. he's hiding from Chuck Norris in the last place anyone would look for a kicker

  3. you could've at least picked a team that wasn't in nashville:

  4. Well suck me sideways. I can't believe that crap.