Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mike Piazza is such a douche. But he illustrates what today's storm is all about. Another one of the great intersections of sports and music.

We all know that music has different effects on people. We also know that athletes love to listen to some tunes before they go to work. They even make commercials about it.



So for today's shit storm, what songs would you use to get pumped up? What situation would you use a song in? In the locker room? On the bus? Walking out to take on Jon Cena at bash at the beach? Walking out at the Jake to shut down the Yankees?


I've got a lot of love for the art of choosing your theme music. Our basketball team in high school had the best mix tape of all time. More on that in a second. We would also judge other teams by their mix tape. One team from San Antonio ran out to Korn's "Blind." Seriously, they timed it so they would run out as soon as he yelled "ARE YOU READY?!" Fuck and that noise. No way we weren't going to beat that team by any less than 30.

We also had a secret ritual for away games. It involved a little music group I like to call Ace of Base. I'm not kidding.

When listening to "The Sign" and a couple of other AoB bangers, we lost one away game the entire season. The championship.

But back to the Shit Storm at hand. My selection comes from the very first song of our mix tape. "Top's Drop" by Fat Pat. Something about the crescendo at the beginning just gets me juiced.

Texas plates don't hate showin' up in the state.

So what's your pump-up jam? "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie? "Survivor" by Destiny's Child? Are you that much of a douche that you're going to say anything by the Dropkick Murphys? You are, aren't you.

GRH Exclusive - Former NFL Player: 'Concussion Discussion Is Stupid'

This was found in the GRH Mailroom on our fax machine. We can only assume its veridity enough to publish it, having checked with other media sources who received the same message, and leave it to you, the discerning reader, to determine its genuine authenticity. Read on and thank you.

-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

These players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought. Like they got anything like a brain up between their ears, these players these days. Sheesh. What losers. What wimps! I'm hearin' an awful lot about these rich, socialites wearin' these jerseys sayin' they're worried about their bells gettin' rung. They're worried about breakin' their nails and getting their French lace panties so far up their puckered rear ends that their brain might not be able to work the way it ought.

I got one word for them...

I dunno, maybe it's the generation of fanny bandits Oprah's been raisin' up, sharin' their books of that time of the month and their feelin's and their books of the month. It's not enough that stupid sumsabitches gotta call a tow truck to fix a flat tire, but these nancies are just nickelin' and dimein', rippin' and rompin', not doin' no good for nobody in the world but themselves.

I've eaten enough pudding to know when a bell gettin' rung is a big deal. In high school, I was paintin' the walls on the Smith-Caldwell Pharmacy in the hail storm of some year that specifically escapes me. I ran for fifty-hundred eleven yards next week against our arch rival Opposum Grape, too. Ran like a sumbitch gettin' his somewhere where the gettin's gone been got. I drooled then and I drool now, case closed, and I looked pretty good doin' it.

I went on a date with Lucille Ball in the mid-80's. Got me a thing for red heads and people who can run pretty fast. Shirley and I been married about 40, 30 years. I make her sandwiches and gravy, she makes me gravy.

An' another thing, where do these uppity sumsbeeee... Where do these uppity ignoramuses get off complainin' when they wearin' a mircowave oven with a facemask on they heads? First off, that ain't no way to run the ball, with your heads up, not out in front of ya like that, ya gotta use your head like a batterin' ram, pow! Right up the middle! And first off, your head is the densest part of your body. If you can't use that as something to really ring someone's bell, you might as well hang it up and go sellin' Avon door to door like some kinda girl who goes door to door sellin' Avon and stuff like, like Avon or something.

That blood ain't supposed to hang out in your ear in that helmet by your ear. You gotta get it out and make sure it's out, otherwise we're gonna miss M*A*S*H. That Alan Alda is a real smooth one. I hate that Alan Alda though, he's the worst guy on that show. An' you know he's good, and he ain't wearin' no helmets.

I was an electrician in Italy. And we had a sayin' for the fairies like these sissies...

Now comes these pansies sayin' they're worried about getting their bell rung. These players these days. Sheesh! Let me tell you what I think about about them players and their mushy-headed ways. They're scared of bein' what they is. Football is a football is a football is a great game. Football is a great, great game and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we dont' want football, which is a great, great game of golf everynow and then. We don't want football to be a panzy sport where the women are on the field dancin' around like they're a bunch of women.

It's time for us to call a spade a playing card. These concussions are not these concussions are these concussions are not the end of the world. If we want to make something happen, then yeah, it should happen, but I don't think a helmet is going to do anything about wearing helmets.

I just got one word for you if you disagree.

No helmets cuz they're no fun.

Best,
Abe Hardin
Philadellia Eagles (1954-1980)
Auburn Tigers (1948-1954)
Bauxite High Skoo Bobcats (1941-1948)

Caption Contest!

Michael Jordan: "Hey, what is this class again?"
Sam Perkins: "Human Sexuality 456."
Michael Jordan: "Oh hell yes."

or...

Girl in the background: "Excuse me, do you mind if we trade seats? I can't see over you."
Jordan: "Sorry baby, I wanna LEARN."

or...

Jordan: "You smooth, what are you going to spend your first million on?"
Perkins: "I'ma buy both these hos behind us something really nice."

Big Smooth and Money Mike in a classroom. All sorts of fun involved.

A tale of two collegiate athletes

YammaHamma!
So after watching this play several times, you may conclude that the dunker is destined for greatness, destined to take the world's breath away with death-defying dunkery. Maybe even something greater.

You'd be right. 15 on the baby blues did shock and awe the world with his athleticism and his nose for the hoop. Now, he's kind of broken down, a shell of himself. Vince Carter, we hardly knew you.

What about the guy getting flushed on? The guy that was too slow on the backside help? The one without enough hops to even remotely challenge VC's flush? He did alright. He finished college, got his degree. He was subsequently drafted with the number one pick, and has four rings under his belt. Tim Duncan, we still know you.

So I'm not sure why, but I thought it would be nice to look back today. More than a decade after the fact, we see these two superstars in very different lights. From beasting on competition in the ACC, they have gone on to win gold medals, inspire people, and make millions of dollars. Vince was the biggest draw in the NBA from 1999-2001. Timmy's definitely headed for the hall, and the fifth Spurs number to be retired (he will also someday kill that rat bastard John Connor). The artist formerly known as Vinsanity has a far different legacy, for better or worse.