Stop the NBA lockout.

This isn't the worst thing that could happen. Amar'e is a pretty fashion forward dude, what with attending fashion shows and shit like that.

But that's him. What happens when other NBAers decide to show off their entrepreneurial skills. Delonte West fragrances, that's what will happen. And fuck that noise.

GASOLINE ON YOUR FLAME OF NIGHT TERRORS

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WEEP MORTALS! FEEL THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS OF HORROR-WROUGHT SLEEP AS YOU FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WRECKAGE AND MAYHEM BEFORE YOU. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!THAT ARM SHOULDN'T DO THAT!LET IT WRENCH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!

NOT ENOUGH?!



OH AND DONE BY THE TUMBLING ANGST OF ONE GREATER THAN HE! OH THIS FIRES MY JIBBLETS! I PRAY THAT THE NEVER-ENDING FILM REEL ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN THAT IS THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS NEVER CEASES TO PLAY THESE 53 SECONDS OVER AND OVER! BWAHAHAHAH!

STILL UNIMPRESSED?!



FACE TRANSPLANT! HIS LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHILE YOURS IS EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIMINISHED BY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS WRETCHED AND DISFIGURED VISAGE! DO NOT CURSE YOUR EYES, FOR THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW! YOU ARE SEEING THIS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, FOR WHOM BLINDNESS CANNOT TRIUMPH!



AHHHH THE TIMELESS CLASSICS! NOW YOU MUST WATCH HIM GIVE MEDIOCRE ANALYSIS, WHICH IS THE TRUE VICTORY FOR ME AS IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU HELLISH NIGHT TERRORS BOUND TO MAKE THE MOST STRONG OF MEN INVOLUNTARILY URINATE AND WEEP SILENTLY FOR RELIEF THAT WILL NEVER COME!



KNOW THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ALL WHO PLAY SOCCER!!! AND IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD! LET THAT ECHO IN YOUR SKULL WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO REST PEACEFULLY! SLUMBER IN TURMOIL!!! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....



You win, Christian the Lion. You always do."

Signed,

The Devil

JJ Barea and Ron Artest have an exchange.

JJ Barea: Hey Ron!


Ron Artest: Hey, what's up, JJ?


JJ Barea: Your momma's so stupid, that...

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Eric Gordon knows what's up.

Yes. YES. Not a cloud in the sky and Dallas's version of St. Patrick's day is tomorrow. Icehouse gon drank. Icehouse is ready.

Are you? Probably. Let's get to the videos.

First of all, here's the trailer for "Where the Trail Ends."


Somebody took all of Gareth Bale's highlights from his game against defending European Champion Inter Milan and made it into a dope-ass animated video. It's purty.


You like cricket? Do you?


Trailer for the new Travis Rice film, The Art of FLIGHT. They use the same camera technology as Planet Earth and the best snowboarders in the world to make this gorgeousness.


WINNING at Call of Duty. (Warning: Lead-in ad)


Cheerleaders freak out over anything.


Jacob Tucker. Dunk highlight reel. Worth your time.


Blake Griffin makes a Mars Blackmon tape for USC Tight End Jordan Cameron. Except they miss the crucial line. For shame.


OUTFUCKINGSTANDING. LET'S GO GET FUNKY.

Michael Vick Stars in Movies That Appear Only in Icehouse's Dreams.

A lone masked rider appears on the horizon. He comes from parts unknown, somewhere near the Adirondacks of the mid-Atlantic, maybe.

Haunted by his past, yet manipulated by a higher power, he battles on the side of the just in a struggle for the control of his destiny. Hunted by beasts and demons of all forms, he remains in perpetual motion. His guns are trained on the weak spots of the enemy's defenses. His eyes fixed on a goal seen by all, but whose meaning remains a mystery to all but he, the masked rider.

A wanderer with no home, no peace, no rest, he can only take solace in the sisyphean battle against netherworld evils from epochs past. This internal war provides the fuel needed to destroy the earthly foes.

Will he ever find peace within himself? Will he ever settle old scores? Will he ever defeat those who seek to destroy him?

We'll just have to wait and see.

video via BSO

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Throw a chaw in. It's Friday.

YES. Not sure about you guys, but this Friday's been a long time coming. I got some unwinding to do. Let's get on with it, then.

First of all, for all the ladies and gays out there, here's this commercial for the shakeweight -- FOR MEN.


I was thinking about getting Medal of Honor instead of Call of Duty: Black Ops, since I have several CoDs already. But Medal of Honor doesn't have this commercial, starring Kobe Bryant. Game: CoD.


I would have much rather seen Vladimir Guerrero do this. Still. Pretty funny. Rally Thong.


Our very own Zack Stovall gives people the smiles, and makes a baby cry.


Cesc Fabregas tweeted this Arsenal tribute video, and I'll confess to liking it. WARNING: Staind.


Ok, that's it for this week, friendos. Everybody go outside and have fun.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mike Piazza is such a douche. But he illustrates what today's storm is all about. Another one of the great intersections of sports and music.

We all know that music has different effects on people. We also know that athletes love to listen to some tunes before they go to work. They even make commercials about it.



So for today's shit storm, what songs would you use to get pumped up? What situation would you use a song in? In the locker room? On the bus? Walking out to take on Jon Cena at bash at the beach? Walking out at the Jake to shut down the Yankees?


I've got a lot of love for the art of choosing your theme music. Our basketball team in high school had the best mix tape of all time. More on that in a second. We would also judge other teams by their mix tape. One team from San Antonio ran out to Korn's "Blind." Seriously, they timed it so they would run out as soon as he yelled "ARE YOU READY?!" Fuck and that noise. No way we weren't going to beat that team by any less than 30.

We also had a secret ritual for away games. It involved a little music group I like to call Ace of Base. I'm not kidding.

When listening to "The Sign" and a couple of other AoB bangers, we lost one away game the entire season. The championship.

But back to the Shit Storm at hand. My selection comes from the very first song of our mix tape. "Top's Drop" by Fat Pat. Something about the crescendo at the beginning just gets me juiced.

Texas plates don't hate showin' up in the state.

So what's your pump-up jam? "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie? "Survivor" by Destiny's Child? Are you that much of a douche that you're going to say anything by the Dropkick Murphys? You are, aren't you.

Dallas Will Harsh Your Buzz

Click to play. It's pertinent.

A lot of people think that Dallas is a lame-ass place filled with people who drive around in their pickup trucks, drinking their domestic beers and listening to talk radio. They also think that we have no concept of the outside world and willingfully ignore the cultures and customs of anywhere outside of the metroplex.

Basically, people like Bunny from Platoon, except without any of the fun.
"Ain't nothin' like a piece of pussy. 'Cept maybe the Indy 500."

As a resident of Dallas, I'm here to say that you are - several nice people excepted - correct. Take it away, Newy Scruggs and the NBCDFW team.

I love that someone asks if it's legal there. Clearly, they don't report on national news.

And to make matters worse, he identifies the perpetrators and let's you know that if you do second-hand smoke marijuana, you will become extremely jumpy. He's like a one-man Reefer Madness.


To the good people of San Francisco, I'm here to tell you that if you do come to Texas for the games in Arlington, do not, repeat, do not bring your sticky icky. And as a Rangers fan, please leave any potheads at home as well.

Friday Afternoo-- ah, screw it.

I know I haven't done one in a while, but...

Screw it. Gone fishin'.






I'm actually going to the Rangers game tonight. FACK THE YANKEES!

Images via The Icehouse

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

What you see above, ladies and gentlemen, is the latest deposit in my and Brian's beard/mustache adventure.

I put it there to show you all the the Icehouse loves him some beards. I really do. I look at my face like a canvas with unlimited possibilities.

Unfortunately, I live in real society, and therefore and subject to social mores and peer pressure. Therefore I have to shave and keep myself relatively kept.

You know who don't? Fucking athletes. They can do whatever the hell they want. So today we're talking about who has the best beard/mustache. There's some great ones in the annals of sports history, but I'm going to go with a recent one.

Braylon Edwards has one metal-ass beard.


Best facial hair. Shit storm go.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Marty B has a fake beard. That is all.

Fun bag. FUN BAG! Who's ready for the weekend?! YES!

First up, Rafael Nadal plays soccer with tennis balls. Impressive. I'd like him way more if he just would dress like a man. But he doesn't. What a dick.


I don't particularly like Karl Malone, but I gotta say that I like anybody giving Isiah Thomas 40 stitches.


Bill Dance is hilarious.


If you knew this guy, would you not try to fuck with him as much as possible? That has to be the best possible reaction to seeing an El Camino.


Not to self: Never enter into a dance competition with a member of the Bozworth clan.


Everybody in the world has already seen this, but it's summer, so that means it's time for some funky ass baseball plays.


Ok. Good. Let's get it.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Football, you are close. So. Very. Close.

By the way, doing an image search for "USC Cheerleaders" is a pretty awesome way to waste a LOT of time. What day is it? Friday? Awesome. It's fun bag time.

First of all, prepare to have your minds blown, mortals.

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

Keeping with the music video theme, here's the most rock and roll kid in the universe.


I dance in the streets all the time and manage not to get hit by an ice cream truck. Furthermore, those things make all sorts of silly ass songs. How can you NOT notice them coming?


This policeman better beware. Technoviking might just show up to fuck his law and order up.


Wow, Georgia. Wow.


And finally, Rave Dog.

As an aside, I found someone posting Rave Dog on their site, under the pretext that he is excited that Cesc Fabregas will be staying with Arsenal for the time being (suck shit, Barca!). Not only am I in favor of that, but their site is also hilariously named "Who Ate All The Pies?"

That's it. Let's get out of here. Anyone else want to go sailing?