GASOLINE ON YOUR FLAME OF NIGHT TERRORS

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WEEP MORTALS! FEEL THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS OF HORROR-WROUGHT SLEEP AS YOU FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WRECKAGE AND MAYHEM BEFORE YOU. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!THAT ARM SHOULDN'T DO THAT!LET IT WRENCH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!

NOT ENOUGH?!



OH AND DONE BY THE TUMBLING ANGST OF ONE GREATER THAN HE! OH THIS FIRES MY JIBBLETS! I PRAY THAT THE NEVER-ENDING FILM REEL ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN THAT IS THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS NEVER CEASES TO PLAY THESE 53 SECONDS OVER AND OVER! BWAHAHAHAH!

STILL UNIMPRESSED?!



FACE TRANSPLANT! HIS LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHILE YOURS IS EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIMINISHED BY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS WRETCHED AND DISFIGURED VISAGE! DO NOT CURSE YOUR EYES, FOR THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW! YOU ARE SEEING THIS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, FOR WHOM BLINDNESS CANNOT TRIUMPH!



AHHHH THE TIMELESS CLASSICS! NOW YOU MUST WATCH HIM GIVE MEDIOCRE ANALYSIS, WHICH IS THE TRUE VICTORY FOR ME AS IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU HELLISH NIGHT TERRORS BOUND TO MAKE THE MOST STRONG OF MEN INVOLUNTARILY URINATE AND WEEP SILENTLY FOR RELIEF THAT WILL NEVER COME!



KNOW THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ALL WHO PLAY SOCCER!!! AND IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD! LET THAT ECHO IN YOUR SKULL WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO REST PEACEFULLY! SLUMBER IN TURMOIL!!! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....



You win, Christian the Lion. You always do."

Signed,

The Devil

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

The combine is sadly more useless than usual.

GET THAT DEAL DONE YOU COCKSUCKERS. I WILL BURN EVERYTHING THE FUCK DOWN IF THERE IS NO NFL.

Ok. Got that out of the system. Woo. WOO. It's March. Spring has sprung. It's time to get down. First things first, update the old voicemail.

Secondly, watch some Internet videos.

Seriously, Americans should learn other languages.


Jetpack + skis = one more reason cross-country skiing is gay.


In soccer, if a player on the other team gets hurt for real, you kick the ball out of bounds so that guy can get help. It is considered common courtesy to give the ball back afterwards, and extremely bad form if you don't. In Italy, it is cause for a match-ending sissy fight.


Chamillionaire has a story about Michael Jordan. It behooves us to listen.


Icehouse likes riding his bike. This guy totally sucks and it's a good thing that the cops caught him. Nobody wants to go to jail in Brazil. NOBODY.


And of course, the NFL's most modern tradition: Rich Eisen's 40 yard dash.


Ok. Go outside. Eat, drink and be merry.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

WOO! Kevin Love is awesome and Snoop is a sell out Steelers fan.


Yes. YES. Tomorrow is the first day I'll be able to sleep in since Sunday, January 16. So you know. We gon drank.

Kevin Love wants that All-Star bid so bad, he'll go viral for it. He also deserves it, but All-Star voting is retarded, and just looking at the numbers is enough to make your head explode.


I thought about posting this picture, and leaving it as the only thing for the fun bag. Because completely out of context, it's nothing short of phenomenal.


POVs are always fun.


Zack Follett is delightfully insane. Everything seems to be going well, right up until Satan shows up. Don't trip off that lust spot.

Zack Follett - Response to my comments made from zack follett on Vimeo.

Repeat, Zack Follett is delightfully insane. This time with actual Lions!

Cat Haven Lions cage - Zack Follett from zack follett on Vimeo.

Mike Modano's day goes from bad to worse. Just watch until the end.


And now we have the latest installation of Lattimer's favorite meme: Guile Theme Goes With Everything.


The greatest athletic tournament that exists is this weekend. That's right, the Royal Rumble.


And finally, for your reference, who has all the sweet seats at the Staples Center for Lakers games.

Which reminds me, what kind of dog food do you think the hospitality folks provide for Khloe Kardashian?

And now, a post on women's basketball.

On some level, this is true. There are people out there that prefer to see fundamentals and the plays and everything. I mean, look at how popular college basketball is. Of course, the fundamentals actually AREN'T better in the WNBA or college, the players in each league just aren't good enough to be creative or flashy, therefore there are no distractions.

Personally, I support women's basketball. If/when anybody here has a daughter, you are really going to prefer that she has role models to idolize that don't involve skimpy clothes and sex tapes. As much as I love to watch women's beach volleyball, when I have a daughter (it's inevitable. Karma's a bitch), I'm going to prefer watching Diana Taurasi with her. Trust me on this one, everybody. You don't want a daughter that thinks the only way to make her daddy happy is to have horrible body ideals and to dress slutty. Chicks with daddy issues make the sluttiest strippers.

But back to hoops. Everybody knows that the best thing in basketball is the slam dunk. There's really no question about it. You could go up to anyone who says that they "prefer fundamentals" and ask them if slam dunks are awesome, and they have to be all, "well, yeah." It'd be like asking an anti-war protester if a tactical SEAL team insertion by HALO jump to have a sniper with a Barret .50 cal put a round through an engine block, stopping the truck, and then the team closing in and taking all passengers in the truck prisoner with zero casualties is awesome. They would be all, "well, yeah."

Which is why FIBA is considering lowering the rims for the women's game. That's one very lame jump for women's basketball popularity, one big step backwards for women's equality.

But of course, we all know that women aren't equal anyway, when athletics are concerned (compare all track and field world records and tell me which events women score better in. Don't worry, I'll wait). Here's looking forward to some OMG funks from the chick game. They'll be unimpressive, to be sure, but what the hell. Hopefully it'll at least lead to some sustainability in the women's game. For the sake of future women everywhere. They need better role models.

Favre 'em if they can't take a joke.

Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.

It's about to get dirty.

What's it going to be? Well, some sort of sex scandal, with cell phones involved, by the looks of it. This is good on so many levels.

First of all, Brett Favre has become one of the more hated personalities in sports, purely due to his behavior over the past two offseasons. Unfortunately, only the football-inclined Americans cared. Other folks, like Peter King readers and the women of Oprah nation, for instance, still see him as a clean-cut loving husband who plays football with his buddies in rural America.

Whatever this is, no matter how outlandish, will sully at least that. I'm not saying this will be something on par with Tiger Woods (get it), but it'll at least be worth it seeing the looks on peoples faces when they ask me what I think about the whole ordeal.

But in reality, I see two positives coming out of this awful, hopefully stomach-wrenching situation.

FIRST AND FOREMOST! Forget about the Favrellatio that happened the last two years. Favre isn't going to be having people over to his house to kiss his ass. Fewer teams already are sick of his will he/won't he bullshit. This is going to take many of his bargaining chips off the table.

SECONDLY! Way to actually show some gumption, tricks. That's right, I'm talking to the hos, the skanks, the tricks, the scallawags, the sluts, the gold-diggers, and the rest of them. I'm sick of how you've been going after athletes. So far, it's been one of two paths: Either the richest black guy with the most sponsorship coin (Jordan, Kobe, Tiger); or the grossest or sleaziest dude you can throw yourselves at.

Nobody had any illusion that Rick Pitino's greasy ass will fuck around. Big Ben is ugly enough to where he probably had to take it by force when he wasn't rich and famous.

But Brett Favre? I salute you, mystery accuser. You're probably lying and just a tramp that wants money and fame, but I'm glad that you at least bucked the trend and are going after the top dog.

UPDATE! Her name is Jenn Sterger, and Brett Favre sent her pictures of his penis as a member of the Jets. In 2008. Not QUITE as awful and demeaning, but. You know how these things go. The first allegation is just the smallest one. Just a foot in the door, opening up the man's image for all the crazies to come out of the woodwork. Chop chop, bitches!