GASOLINE ON YOUR FLAME OF NIGHT TERRORS

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WEEP MORTALS! FEEL THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS OF HORROR-WROUGHT SLEEP AS YOU FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WRECKAGE AND MAYHEM BEFORE YOU. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!THAT ARM SHOULDN'T DO THAT!LET IT WRENCH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!

NOT ENOUGH?!



OH AND DONE BY THE TUMBLING ANGST OF ONE GREATER THAN HE! OH THIS FIRES MY JIBBLETS! I PRAY THAT THE NEVER-ENDING FILM REEL ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN THAT IS THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS NEVER CEASES TO PLAY THESE 53 SECONDS OVER AND OVER! BWAHAHAHAH!

STILL UNIMPRESSED?!



FACE TRANSPLANT! HIS LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHILE YOURS IS EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIMINISHED BY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS WRETCHED AND DISFIGURED VISAGE! DO NOT CURSE YOUR EYES, FOR THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW! YOU ARE SEEING THIS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, FOR WHOM BLINDNESS CANNOT TRIUMPH!



AHHHH THE TIMELESS CLASSICS! NOW YOU MUST WATCH HIM GIVE MEDIOCRE ANALYSIS, WHICH IS THE TRUE VICTORY FOR ME AS IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU HELLISH NIGHT TERRORS BOUND TO MAKE THE MOST STRONG OF MEN INVOLUNTARILY URINATE AND WEEP SILENTLY FOR RELIEF THAT WILL NEVER COME!



KNOW THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ALL WHO PLAY SOCCER!!! AND IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD! LET THAT ECHO IN YOUR SKULL WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO REST PEACEFULLY! SLUMBER IN TURMOIL!!! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....



You win, Christian the Lion. You always do."

Signed,

The Devil

Kevin Garnett Will Show You Dullards The Fine Art of Debating

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Much has been made about this verbal confrontation between myself, Kevin Garnett, and Charles Villanueva, currently playing for the National Basketball Association's Detroit Pitons. This much-ballyhooed misunderstanding has been reported on various social networking websites, as well as venerable sports reporting television and radio stations, such as ESPN, FOX Sports Network, and Versus.

First and foremost, let me express my sincere regret that such a kerfuffle occurred at all. Mine is a game of passion, and desire, and determination, and as such, opposing sides can become consternated with one another, each going toward the same noble end of victory. Whether the victor or the vanquished, neither should be one to spoil.

Now to the matter at hand: That I, a veteran of our beloved association, receiving a bevy of personal and team accolades during this vaunted career, would stoop so low as to call a glabrescent Charles Villanueva a "cancer patient," in fact or in jest, to chide him as a competitor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is below even my most base faculties.

Malignant carcinogens are currently wreaking havoc across our fair lands, invading the fertile, beautiful plains of our Families and Friends not unlike unwelcome chariots of war. Each and every man, woman, and child can put a name, a face, and a memory to a victim of this dreaded affliction. Billions of dollars, countless man-hours, and an infinite amount of efforts and tears have been spent in the fight to halt their advances, so that we may all see brighter days. Let us take a moment of silence for those who have fallen...

/wipes tear from eye with fancy handkerchief in front coat pocket
//refolds it perfectly, puts back in front coat pocket

Now, to the points of clarification between the actual heated discourse of myself and Mr. Villanueva. I have voiced my clear aversion to using carcinogens as a form of ridicule, even for those who suffer from diseases rendering them tonsured, also common among those being treated for the vile disease. Not only is such banter offensive, but it is vulgar and beneath my well-tried facilties.

I prefer metaphors.

To say Mr. Villanueva is cancerous? Why, a more apt comparison could not be found! Find me a man who is as debilitating to his team's efforts than Mr. Villanueva! Find me a man who represents our beloved association as heinously and brazenly as Mr. Villanueva! Find me someone who is so deplorable, so abhorrent, so loathsome as he, one who makes the quality of those around him, those against him, and those in rank with him in our league so diminished that it can only be said he is a malignancy SUCH AS, to use a simple simile rather than an illustrative metaphor, a cancer. I implore you to find someone as abominable as Mr. Villanueva. I submit that you will not.

I do wish Charles Villanueva all of the best. He is, after all, a brother in arms. This fraternal bond we share from the Association is one not broken by mere verbal slings and arrows. But when I see a fellow associate enfeebling and enervating our high courts to such a low base? I shall call him out, and not a moment too soon, no matter what his depilous aesthetic may be.

I yield my time.

Former Mrs. Jim Joyce: "Well That Just Figures"

TOLEDO, OH - When asked about her ex-husband, Umpire Jim Joyce, and his blown call that cost Detroit Tiger's pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, an indignant Eunice Hampton-Joyce said "Well, that just figures" through gnashed teeth.

"He was wrong about everything," nagged Hampton-Joyce, who claims to be happier alone than with Joyce. "How to stack the dishes, how to fold the towels, how to dust the mantle. Wrong, wrong, wrong."

The Joyces split in 2003, after Hampton-Joyce cited irreconcilable differences 23 minutes after Joyce cited domestic abuse. The case was settled out of court and a restraining order was issued between the two.

"It's just like him to get something so completely simple as that so completely wrong," screeched Hampton-Joyce. "His mother really did a number on him. Him and that stupid mustache of his."

Hampton-Joyce then abruptly ended the interview with reporters to collect yet another ball that had strayed on to her front porch, but not before delivering an expletive-laced diatribe toward the eight-year-old who lost the aforementioned ball.

Clausen: "I'm Ready To Get Started Letting People Down Right Now"

NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Former Notre Dame quarterback and projected-first-round draft selection Jimmy Clausen told reporters Thursday that, no matter who drafts him, he's ready to start letting down that team's fan base immediately.

"I don't have any illusions," said Clausen, prepping for tonight's primetime NFL Draft, "But I'm ready to go out there and throw ducks, get sacked, fall down unmolested and do everything in my power to shatter the hopes and dreams of every fan of whichever team is lucky enough to grab me."

Clausen, who scouts say has a near-perfect throwing motion and all of the physical tools of a franchise QB, said he's eager to get to work diminishing every accolade he and his name ever earned.

"My brothers have been just great in teaching me how to raise everyone to the same level of outlandish anticipation, and then pull the collective rug out from under their hooves with my pedestrian play," said the youngest Clausen. "Hell, if I need to, I'll throw in some off the field issues, too.

"I'll put myself in that position and be that caliber of player for my team."

Clausen then excused himself to clumsily fumble down the nearest flight of stairs and writhe in pain before giving a thumbs up.

Bowl Wrap Up: Miami QB Jacory Harris the Most Adorable Thing On The Field Last Night

ORLANDO - The Champs Sports Bowl lived up to its tremendous amount of pregame hype, with Miami QB Jacory Harris being the most adorable thing to step on the field last night in a losing effort to the Wisconsin Badgers, 20-to-the-cutest-14-points-you-ever-did-see.

Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien passed for a pedestrian 260 yards, with 19 so-so completions over 26 unflattering attempts. The pasty Tolzien also threw an interception, which totally figures, and didn't even have the courtesy to throw a touchdown pass.

Meanwhile, Harris was able to pass for an incredibly attractive 188 yards, with 16 glowing completions that looked like they fell out of a J. Crew catalogue. Badger RB John Clay was really trying way too hard, winning Big Ten Player of the Year, rushed for 121 yards and scored two touchdowns in an effort that looked more desperate than anything.

"He really did a lot for us, we just couldn't get the win," said Miami coach Randy Shannon. "But that fro-hawk of his is something precious. It was both heartbreaking and breathtaking to see him come off the field after a three-and-out. Like watching a beautiful quetzal bird sing a sad, sad song."

Analysts at the game are already calling Harris' comeback-ending four-and-out to be 'the hottest failed comeback in the history of omigah I can't even remember.'

Holmgren Suspends NFL Return Until After Hibernation

WHEATON, IL - Citing an overall lack of enthusiasm and an overall surplus of delicious berries, former Packer and Seahawks Coach Mike Holmgren is suspending all discussions of senior-management positions with NFL teams until after his annual four-month winter hibernation.

"At this point, I just think there's not enough momentum with any organization to have these discussions while teams are still trying to win games," said Holmgren. "And right now, I'm about to pop. I need to get somewhere and stay there for a long, long time. No need in rushing anything."

Holmgren said the timing of the talks being positioned just as he was about to get his 16 weeks of shut-eye wasn't the only thing keeping him from jumping into a helm.

"Frankly, in Seattle, there's just a lot of history there that's making me consider all of my options," Holmgren said. "That consideration is making me burn through a lot more calories than I'm willing to sacrifice right now. That's a lot of time wasted for me."

Holmgren didn't say that was making him lean toward Cleavland, since there already seems to be "a big sucker there taking up the sweet spots," possibly referring to coach and salmon-enthusiast Eric Mangini.

The Super Bowl-winning Coach Holmgren then stuffed his cheeks with an assortment of wild berries and shuffled off into a nearby wilderness, shortly after wiping his rear end with an adjacent pine tree.

Notre Dame, Wrought with Creativity, Flavor and Originality, Thinks Outside the Box To Get Their New, Snazzy Head Coach

Romo Indicted On Child Porn, Given Nobel Prize, Shot For Stealing Bread This Morning

ARLINGTON, Tex. -- Much-ballyhooed and oft-beguiled Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo was indicted on federal child pornography charges shortly before he was notified that he would receive a Nobel Peace Prize in Stockholm, but not before he turned back to his villainous ways and was shot on sight for attempting to steal a loaf of bread.

This turn of events -- all within two hours this morning -- is just another, and apparently final, chapter in the love-hate roller coaster relationship that the now-deceased NFL superstar...schmuck player had in his four short years as a starter.

"Romo is the best guy on the face of this planet," said ESPN sportscaster Chris Berman. "But frankly, if I saw that guy on the street, I'd stomp on his chest until I found concrete."

"This guy is lower than the whale crap on the bottom of the ocean, but if he'd like to come into my home and plow my daughter, he's more than welcome."

Federal agents have been planning to pin Romo for no less than 1,000 hours of graphic child pornography on his personal computer. The sting happened to occur on the same day the Nobel Peace Prize committee acknowledged Romo's work in the field of charitable donations, which has lifted no less than four small countries out of the ranks of the third world tier.

"Tony Romo got what was coming to him; three bullets in the back," said NFL Live analyst Merril Hoge. "I just wish it would have been socially acceptable to kiss him on the mouth. I would have done it twice."

Romo was justifiably killed in a local Kroger's after he attempted to steal four loaves of bread for a cocktail party he was going to hold for a celebration for his Nobel Prize.

ESPN anchor Scott Van Pelt also had kind words for Romo, only to take back those words, while admitting those kind words were supposed to be perceived as originally intended.

"He was a beautiful man. A beautiful man whose spinal cord I would want to wear like Mr. T wears gold chains," said Van Pelt. "But I'm naming my first-born son Tonyromo, all one word. Tonyromo Van Pelt."

Funeral arrangements will be held next week in which Romo's body will be on display for the expected thousands of mourners will show their love for the lost legend, before Dallas Waste Management throws his limp carcass into the nearest available mass grave.

In Wake of Bruschi's Retirement, Favre Demands Tear-Soaked Remembrances From Former Coaches

MINNESOTA, Minn. -- In response to the heartfelt, emotional statements made by the stoic Bill Belichick regarding the retirement of Patriot's LB Tedy Bruschi, current Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre is demanding tear-soaked remembrances of his numerous accomplishments from his numerous retirements.

"I think I deserve a little bit of that," said Favre while rewinding the segment of Belichick's crying on TiVo. "That guy sucked butt. He only played 13 years, he didn't set any records, and so far, he's only bowed out once. Give me a break."

Favre said he has sent letters to former Packers and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren, with whom Favre won a Super Bowl, Mike McCarthy, the current Green Bay coach and the last to coach him there, as well as Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan, the former and current coach of the New York Jets.

"I'll start with Chubbs. I feel like he's got some pent up emotions from all our days a-winnin' games. Plus, after playing with the bald guy, he's bound to appreciate me more," said Favre.

"Mac and Mangini are a given. If Brett Favre walkin' away from your team doesn't choke you up, you need to find a pair, and walk away from my football," said Favre. "Same goes for Ryan. I'm sure he was pretty devastated when I left New York."

Asked if Mike Sherman, who coached Favre in Green Bay immediately prior to McCarthy, would be included, Favre said Sherman had already cried on the future Hall-of-Famer's shoulder many times before.

"If he wants to get it out in front of everybody, that's fine," said Favre. "He'll have his shot with Childress about March. Or July! Whooooo knows?!" which was then followed with Favre waving his hands mysteriously and banging a gong.

Local Mississippi Athletes Woefully Unprepared For Actual Season Due to Favre Workouts

HATTIESBURG — Parents, booster clubs and athletic organizations have "had it up to here with that Brett Favre guy," according to reports saying that high school and DII-college athletes are woefully unprepared for their upcoming seasons due to the hours put in running the retired-QB's work out routine.

"I mean, we're trying to get these guys ready for STATE," said Oak Grove High School Football Coach Lou Tubbs. "They're out there fiddle-fartin' around with Favre. Just lolly-gaggin' and fiddle-fartin'."

"Hell, we'll be lucky to take district, let alone STATE."

Some of the athletes are admitting some of their frustration at Favre's demands to not only learn pro-style routes, but also maintain pro-style speeds and strengths, and subjecting themselves to pro-style punishments for lack of hustle.

"I can barely tie my shoes let alone learn two systems of offense," said WR Will Hoofman, who also doubles as the team's noseguard, displaying his cleats completely surrounded with layers of duct tape he says he puts on daily to secure his footwear.

"He tried to fine me $400,000 for missing practice. I've never seen $400,000 in person," said sophomore WR Danny Koehler.

"My fingers hurt," said RB Jeremy Collins, who was recruited by Farve to attend mandatory workouts along with receivers to give Favre that "wildkitty thing all them teams are doin'."

"He knows no kid in their right mind is going to turn down Brett Favre to work out," said Collins. "I just wish he wouldn't come hang out with us at the bowling alley on Friday nights. He graduated junior high with my dad."

Manning Family Feats of Strength

Local Man Crapping His Pants About Upcoming Company Golf Outing

TUSCON — Tim Spellman, a new associate at Brandt Leland, is absolutely crapping his pants about the upcoming annual golf outing with fellow associates and his boss, Greg Leland.

"Apparently, everyone's doing it. They came up and asked me if I wanted in, since they needed someone else to fill in the foursome anyway," said a visibly shaken Spellman. "Man, I suck at golf."

Aside from practicing for three to four hours after work for the past three weeks, Spellman has also been walking around the office, miming a golf swing, and grimacing audibly in pain.

Rumors have been funneling out of Leland's office since last Thursday that the golf outing is just a ruse.

"I mean, we're all going golfing, but no. No, we're sending him to a whole other course. He is a spaz," said Leland, while laughing at Spellman's personnel file.

Something Good Might've Happen for the U.S. In Soccer, Or Not, No One Knows

SPRINGFIELD — Sources have yet to confirm or deny that something good for the United States soccer team might have happened today.

No one has confirmed that they were in fact watching an alleged game between the USA and Spain, who could be ranked as high as No. 1 in the world or as low as somewhere below Brazil, who most thought was No. 1.

"I dunno, I had ESPN on in the background and they said something about us winning a game?" said local man Russ Applegarth. "I think I had heard we were pretty good this year. Right?"

Fireworks stands across the country are currently gearing up for Independence Day festivities next weekend, however some say they are ready to make a second order before the holiday if patriotic sentiments flare up over a possible victory in the sport.

"I mean, if it happened, and people get fired up about it, sure, we'll sell a couple of firecrackers early," said Earl Meadows, owner of a local fireworks stand. "If not, I should be good through the Fourth."

In other soccer related news, scientists have unearthed that American football may have been a tangent of rugby, which is in no way related to soccer, according to those same scholars.

Chipper Jones Forgets Where He Is, Takes Dump in Left Field

ATLANTA — Perennial All-Star 3B Chipper Jones of the NL East's Atlanta Braves briefly forgot where he was during the top of the third inning of the home stand against the New York Mets, and in that moment, removed his glove and took a dump in left field.

"I dunno," said Jones, the reigning NL batting champion. "Had to lay one down. Wuzn't really thinkin'. Dropped trou. Laid a hot one. Case closed, man."

Left fielder Garret Anderson said that while he was perplexed by Jones' antics at the time, he's not surprised by the fact that the future Hall of Famer would go ahead and drop a deuce in the middle of Turner Field.

"That's just Chipper being Chipper," said Anderson. "Name me any other player who would do something like that not named 'Chipper Jones.'"

Commissioner Bud Selig says the league's hands are tied, citing that the game was not delayed while Jones was defecating, and therefore broke no league rules and will not be punished. Skipper Bobby Cox wasn't notified about the steamer until he woke up sometime around the sixth inning, and had "No f***in' comment."

Jones credited his lightweight to the ensuing play, in which he caught a high-line drive, tagged an over-anxious base runner from second and touched third base to achieve the season's first unassisted triple play.

White Sox Only Beaten by 19 Runs Today

SOUTHSIDE — A breath of fresh air flowed through southern Chicago as the beloved White Sox were only beaten by 19 runs on Thursday at the hands of the Minney-Soda Twins.

“Hey, it could have been worse,” said Coach Ozzie Guillen. “It could have been 20, 21, 22 runs, 23, 24, 25 points, 26, 27, 28…”

The White Sox, who had eight whole hits in the game, tried to mount an offensive in the eighth inning, when the score was 20-0, and liked there odds.

“Man, we had ‘em right where we wanted ‘em,” said A.J. Perznejenskidowlakowski, the team catcher. “I really thought we were on the verge of a decent rally there in the eighth, but, alas! Just a little too late.”

“42 runs could have separated us from victory, but it wasn’t 42, it was 19,” continued Guillen. “And it sure as heck wasn’t 43 or 44 runs. 45? Get out. 46 runs? Now that might be something to be upset about, but I think 19 is just about where we want to be. 47, 48 runs, 49…”

P Bartolo Colon says that he’s encouraged by the Twins’ 20-hit game.

“I mean, we held them to double digits, man,” said Colon holding up two fingers, grinning. “That’s like two points!”

“I’d shoot myself if we ever got beat by 114 runs, and I don’t think it’s ever happened before,” said a red-faced Guillen. “115? I’d wake up from killing myself over 114 and wouldn’t be able to believe it. 116, 117 runs…”

“The main thing is that we tried or hardest, and that we’re all still close as a team,” said Bat Boy Timmy Welch.

In a completely unrelated event, Skipper Ozzie Guillen was arrested after beating Welch over the head with a bag of bat-weights, and was also cited for public intoxication.

Senior Tim Tebow Rethinking Not Hanging Out with Godless Heathens

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — At the precipice of his senior and final year at the University of Florida, a wayward QB Tim Tebow is rethinking his decision to stay in and not hang out with the massive throng of inebriates, Jezebels and heathens at Florida, all of whom would gladly think he was the coolest guy ever.

"I mean, you only go to college once, right?..." said an obviously uncomfortable Tebow. "They can't ALL be THAT bad?"

Tebow claims that his devotion to the craft of circumcision prohibits him from delving into the ranks of the godless sodomites that routinely give him high fives and ask to hang out with him. However, as of late, Tebow has been expressing what many consider to be a change of heart on the matter, especially with regard to drunken frivolity with members of the opposite gender.

Rodney "Two Hole" Branski, a 6-year business or history junior at Gainesville, says that he's "totally stoked" Tebow may be starting to loosen up, and would gladly buy him a shot or nine.

"Dude, he's the best," said Branski. "WHO'S BETTER THAN TEBOW?! NOBODY!!" Branski then ended the interview by throwing up everywhere.

Happy Mother'sth Day, Mrsths. Phelpths

If eight-times-golden Michael Phelps had his way, he'd have all European media bombed and destroyed forever.

News from across the pond is saying the Phelpthsie, distraught after the tremendous backlash from a photo surfacing of him smoking the reefer, got some hookers (plural).

I'm reticent to go on a tear about this: He should've known better, He should be better, nag nag nag, blah blah blah. It's all just noise.

Frankly, I'm just tired of hearing about it. The nature of news these days is that if you hold the microscope on someone long enough, you'll catch something. Given the type who seems to be prone to kicking himself in the rear — which is true, despite if these stripper stories are true or not — that just makes it all the more painful to watch.

Again, I'm just tired of hearing about it. And I think we can all do in the comment section more than I would hope to do by expounding on it further.

Friday Afternoon Funbag!

While we typically provide GRH readers with a humorous photograph of a popular or at least well-known celebrity athlete who happens to be inebriated, this week we came up short. Here's Yao Ming, Houston's perhaps favorite chinaman, apparently imbibing but then giving a speech with his usual, sober expression.

To quote Eddie Murphy, "Karate Man hurt on the inside."

So what has this week taught us? American cars aren't doing too well, something called a "swine flu" may be almost as painful as the flying pig puns that are procured therein, and, judging by the amount of postage this week, Zack Stovall is either unemployed or has way too much time on his hands.

Also, there were some videos. A hat tip to GRH commenter White Yao. Savor the flavor, butterscotch — I'm sure there's a Lattimer verbal thrashing somewhere to be found. Here's one that's less funny than freaking-face-melting-mind-blowingly awesome. Apparently you can't embed things that are this awesome, to which I would reply, "FIE!"

One of my guilty pleasures is an affinity for some forms of punk music, including but not limited to Blink 182. But this entertainment knows no bounds.

Watch British Choir Sings "Whats My Age Again?" on CollegeHumor

This is one of my all-time favorite SNL skits. It was the precursor to Andy Sandberg's digital shorts, and features Steve Buscemi as a used food pawn shop owner.

Stavenhagen's Food Pawn Shop with Steve Buscemi and Will Ferrell from Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay

I don't much care for the Hills. But I care for Chris Bosh a great deal. I'm so conflicted. But this is funny anyway.

I like food and I like it when people rub my feet in a non-tickling fashion. I am down with this cause.

It's entirely possible that Vader Sessions has appeared on the Ghost before. It's an absolute certainty that it hasn't been watched enough by Americans everywhere. Do your patriotic duty and behold.

Hey there! Six videos! Five of which were easily embedded! That's enough to get a good start to the weekend. Or not. Anyway, have it at it, and, as always, play to win.