So you don't like soccer, huh?

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad that you perpetuate the myth that Americans are introverted. Shit, only twenty percent of us have passports. Fuck the rest of the world, right? You can get all the culture you need in Goodland, Kansas.

I'm glad you were watching American Idol. I'm glad you think that Nascar is cool.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know you're alright. I know you guys are cool. Heck, the game versus Algeria was the most watched soccer game in ESPN history. Pretty awesome.

We're getting there, everybody. Soccer is finally becoming mainstream. The MLS will perpetually be awful, but what the hell. Our guys are doing pretty well in the big leagues, and the world no longer looks forward to playing us.

AMERICEY IS WATCHING!... ANYBODY NOT WANNA GO?!

Video at the top via White Yao.

World Cupkakke!

This is Steven Gerrard's girlfriend. Good work, man. Good airbrushed work.


I bet you didn't think that you would see a great NBA finals game, then see Icehouse pop up and spout off more soccer babble. But that's what we're getting today, chumpstyles. AND no caption contest. In your faces. I'm determined to make the sparse few of you actually give a fuck. If I succeed in full, you may even have something insightful to say whilst watching a game.

So I posted the picture above, getting your attention. It worked, didn't it? Well, there's plenty more where that came from, right over here at Bleacher Report.

Now, if we'll all turn our attention back from the boobs to me, I'd like to say something about the sport itself. The Spoiler compiled a list of the 10 most exciting players that will be playing in the Cup (note: Arjen Robben hurt himself a little, but should be able to play. Didier Drogba hurt his elbow, but you don't need arms in soccer, so he'll play). Anyway, if you're too lazy to click on that link, here's a few of my favorites:

Franck Ribery of France:


Kaká of Brazil:


Wayne Rooney of England:


Woody Harrelson of the Rest of the World:


If you watch all ten videos on the spoiler, you'll get a pretty good idea of what great soccer looks like. If you watch the whole thing and don't see anything that you like, then fine. Go back to watching UFC reality shows on SpikeTV you white trash piece of shit.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

Champion's League Open Thread

Some sweet ass UEFA action today. So if you need to break up the monotony of curling, switch it over to Fox Soccer. Although I will say, as absurd of a sport as curling is, and despite the fact that I know nothing about it, it's pretty engrossing.

Regardless. The sport that I wanted to see today, downhill skiing, has been either postponed (men's super combined) or canceled (women's downhill training). The women's 10K Biathalon is currently underway, just not on TV.

So quit sliding rock and brushing ice, fuckwads, and watch the Champion's League. The two games today are Olympique Lyon v. Real Madrid, and AC Milan v. Manchester United. A couple of notes:

-Lyon is Squirrel Tactics' dark horse for this tourney while Real Madrid is in a crazy amount of debt so that you can watch Kaká, Xavi Alonso and Cristiano Ronaldo on the same team (you ungrateful cocks).
-This will be David Beckham's first game against Manchester United since leaving the club seven years ago.

Let's get it on. If you have anything to say on either Champion's League game or the Olympics, come on in and say hi. To the comments section!

Caption Contest!

Ronaldo demonstrates Real Madrid's new set piece.

or...

Ronaldo: "You see, I am tired of getting hits in the nuts. Sooo, I turn around now."

or...

"Hey Ronaldo, remember when you got arrested with a bunch of trannies? Well, we gave you the benefit of the doubt until..."

Bunch of CL games yesterday. Rip this guy a new ball magnet.

Something Good Might've Happen for the U.S. In Soccer, Or Not, No One Knows

SPRINGFIELD — Sources have yet to confirm or deny that something good for the United States soccer team might have happened today.

No one has confirmed that they were in fact watching an alleged game between the USA and Spain, who could be ranked as high as No. 1 in the world or as low as somewhere below Brazil, who most thought was No. 1.

"I dunno, I had ESPN on in the background and they said something about us winning a game?" said local man Russ Applegarth. "I think I had heard we were pretty good this year. Right?"

Fireworks stands across the country are currently gearing up for Independence Day festivities next weekend, however some say they are ready to make a second order before the holiday if patriotic sentiments flare up over a possible victory in the sport.

"I mean, if it happened, and people get fired up about it, sure, we'll sell a couple of firecrackers early," said Earl Meadows, owner of a local fireworks stand. "If not, I should be good through the Fourth."

In other soccer related news, scientists have unearthed that American football may have been a tangent of rugby, which is in no way related to soccer, according to those same scholars.

Blame the Goalie

I'm not going to lie, I hate goalies. I hate goalies who are 6'6" and suck even more. In yesterday's Champions League Final, Edwin Van der Sar made a case for why no one on his team should ever hang out with him... ever.

Link:

Nice ups, you Dutch-nosed bastard. Van der Sar's effort here pretty much sums up the overall demeanor of Manchester United yesterday during their 2-0 loss to Barcelona. The Red Devils got off to a strong start, but were silenced in the 10th minute by a goal from Samuel Eto'o. While I would like to blame United defender Vidic for letting Eto'o slide by, I simply can't forgive Van der Sar's poor performance. He simply did not look like an athlete.

Even this guy has a better vertical:



Goalies are always the easiest person to place the blame on. They are the outcasts of every team. They were placed in the goal as a kid because they sucked at every other position. While the rest of the team plays with their feet, the goalie plays with his hands. He doesn't even wear the same uniform as the rest of the team for Christ's sake.

There are some exceptions to the rule. Take Rene Hiquita for example. Unlike our Dutch friend, Hiquita's got gusto. While Van der Sar was learning how to hold a cup with two hands, Hiquita was practicing making saves in ways you couldn't even imagine...



That's the coolest thing any goalie has ever done. That is all.