Bag back, cameramen, gimme 50 feet

I don't especially like cameramen, which is funny, because I'm quite the connoisseur of their work. In fact, anyone who watches TV is. But for real, cameramen. Chill out, before something bad happens to you.

First and possibly most dangerous, you may get dago saliva on you.


More intimidating, but possibly more worth it, the dreaded Argentine Falcon Punch.


So you can film these guys, sure, but don't get all up in their shit. It's annoying to everyone.

Caption Contest!

Not necessarily a caption contest, per se, but we have do have a sweet collection of pictures from Buzzfeed of Mick Jagger watching the World Cup.







Sweet. Rolling Stones in the house.

Get excited, Americans.

This is how it should be. Just listen.

Icehouse is Casahielo down here in Mexico this week, but that doesn't mean that my blood is Orange, White and Green. The Mexicans are excited too. We may be bitter rivals on the field, but our fates are still intertwined in more ways than one. Everybody's getting up for this one.

Listen to the video above. I've played the recording about 50 times already. It brings goosebumps. I can only imagine how great it will be if we make it past Ghana, which will already be more success than the United States has ever seen in the World Cup.

I love America and I love all of you.





More of the call at Los Fanaticos.

More amazing photos at OMG Yanks.

I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana

(The first draft of this article was written immediatley after the United States secured passage onto the next round, when it seemed inevitable that Germany would come in second in its group. Of course, the Krauts won their stupid, stupid group, leaving us to play Ghana. And, being the frugal enterprise we are at the Ghost, are employing the services of an intern as editor, 17 year old Tommy Martins. That is all.)









ARGH! These guys?! Again? I thought we already sent you packing during WWII the Third Ashanti-British War (1900–1901)? People who know me...heck, even people who DON'T know me, know that I hate hate hate Germany Ghana with a passion. I can't even say how much I hate hate hate Germany Ghana without repeating the word "hate" thrice. Hate hate (for the aforementioned and quoted use).

What do I say about Germany Ghana? What can anyone say about that awful, awful place? First off, in their native, barbaric and wretched-sounding tongue, it's pronounced Deutchland Ghana. Looks an awfully lot like the word "Douche," "Gonorrhea" no? Hey DEUTCH bags Gonorrhea bags! Go back to DOUCHEland Gonorrhealand!

I've never met a good-looking woman from Germany Ghana. They have parrallellogram parrallellogram haircuts, abstract arts, and their clothing is always the drabbest of drab most colorful of colorful. Me? I love colors drab! Purple, yellow, green, red, blue: I'LL WEAR THEM ALL I'LL NEVER WEAR THEM. Heck, I'll put it all on one many article articles of clothing, just to show how much I love color drabness and how much I hate hate hate drabness color.

The Krauts Warrior Kings and their arrogance. Their pride! What kind of nickname is Kraut Warrior King, anyway? Need I remind everyone about a certain couple few of episodes known as, uh, WORLD WARS I AND II THE ASHANTI-BRITISH WARS I, II, AND III. The first one was the absolute worst. Mustard Gas? Spears? That stuff eats your lungs out from the inside. Thanks for bringing that about, you Schnitzel cocoa-eaters. Oh, then the persectution of 6 million Jewish British people and countless more you Nazi Ashanti people slayed. THANKS YOU GUYS! HATE HATE HATE.

OH, and who's Germany's Ghana's most famed citizen? I don't think I needed to remind anyone of that previous fact, but I KNOW I don't need to remind anyone of the fact that ADOLF HITLER KOFI ANNAN IS WITHOUT A DOUBT ONE OF THE WORST PEOPLE TO HAVE EVER WALKED ON THE PLANET. I guarantee you there are teams of scientists spread out all over the world, just aching to invent a time machine to go back and make sure that Hilter Annan's never born by any and all means necessary. That's gotta be priority numero uno for any time voyager. Go to the future and purchase a sports almanac for present-day gambling purposes: No. 2. Castrating Hitler's Annan's dad: No. 1.

I'm trying not to beat a dead horse elephant here, but c'mon. I think we all know the importance of this game Saturday, the US vs. Germany Ghana. This is about more than just soccer. This is about more than just Landon Donovan vs. Hans-Jörg Butt Anthony Annan. This is about sending a message that may have been forgotten long ago by our liberal conservative media today: America rules and Germany Ghana sucks.

In case you didn't know, I HATE HATE HATE Germany Ghana.

The End

PS: If the USA, can't win, I know it's a longshot but look for Ghana Germany to come out on top. That's where my money is. I got a GREAT feeling about those guys. Good team, good team.

So you don't like soccer, huh?

Good. I'm glad. I'm glad that you perpetuate the myth that Americans are introverted. Shit, only twenty percent of us have passports. Fuck the rest of the world, right? You can get all the culture you need in Goodland, Kansas.

I'm glad you were watching American Idol. I'm glad you think that Nascar is cool.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I know you're alright. I know you guys are cool. Heck, the game versus Algeria was the most watched soccer game in ESPN history. Pretty awesome.

We're getting there, everybody. Soccer is finally becoming mainstream. The MLS will perpetually be awful, but what the hell. Our guys are doing pretty well in the big leagues, and the world no longer looks forward to playing us.

AMERICEY IS WATCHING!... ANYBODY NOT WANNA GO?!

Video at the top via White Yao.

TELL ME WHAT IS UP IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS LEADER

SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.

HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!

CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!

GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!

COMMENCE LAUGHTER!

WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!

IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!

JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!

English Keeper Robert Green Lasered Into Several Pieces by Time Traveling Vigilante

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - Robert Green, a goal keeper for the English World Cup Team, has been shot with a high-powered laser beam by a time traveling vigilante known only as McTred, leaving Green in several separate pieces of charred flesh and ash.

"You know how in those American films Terminator and Back to the Future[Part II], people are always going back in time to fix some sort of catastrophe in the future?" explained English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "This chap comes runnin' out of a inter-dimensional vortex, and wham-o. There goes Greenie. Must've done something real bad."

Green will therefore be unavailable for the match against Team USA, scheduled for Saturday, as being the only player to use his hands, he has none left.

English Defender Ledley King Impaled By Shards of Broken Glass After Running with Boxful of Broken Glass

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - English defender Ledley King was tragically impaled by thousands of shards of broken glass of varying sizes and girth after picking up a large and cumbersome box that was heavily filled to the brim with the aforementioned, already broken pieces of glass.

"Led's one of the fastest, hardest-working guys on the whole squad," said English midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "When he saw that big cardboard box that had 'BROKN GLASS' on it in the middle of our practice facility, he went right for it, tried to move as quickly as possible. Then he tripped over his own left foot and, oh my, what a mess."

This makes King ineligible for the match against the United States on Saturday, as he'll be undergoing a week-long, extremely painful glass removal surgery, as soon as proper recycling authorities are found to take the glass afterward.

English Midfielder James Milner Accidentally Stabs Self In Anus With Lawn Dart

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.

"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."

Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.

WAGS of the World Cup

In keeping with the theme of the previous post, I thought I should share this wonderful website which features some pretty sexy photos of the WAGS of the World Cup. Here's a preview:

World Cupkakke!

This is Steven Gerrard's girlfriend. Good work, man. Good airbrushed work.


I bet you didn't think that you would see a great NBA finals game, then see Icehouse pop up and spout off more soccer babble. But that's what we're getting today, chumpstyles. AND no caption contest. In your faces. I'm determined to make the sparse few of you actually give a fuck. If I succeed in full, you may even have something insightful to say whilst watching a game.

So I posted the picture above, getting your attention. It worked, didn't it? Well, there's plenty more where that came from, right over here at Bleacher Report.

Now, if we'll all turn our attention back from the boobs to me, I'd like to say something about the sport itself. The Spoiler compiled a list of the 10 most exciting players that will be playing in the Cup (note: Arjen Robben hurt himself a little, but should be able to play. Didier Drogba hurt his elbow, but you don't need arms in soccer, so he'll play). Anyway, if you're too lazy to click on that link, here's a few of my favorites:

Franck Ribery of France:


Kaká of Brazil:


Wayne Rooney of England:


Woody Harrelson of the Rest of the World:


If you watch all ten videos on the spoiler, you'll get a pretty good idea of what great soccer looks like. If you watch the whole thing and don't see anything that you like, then fine. Go back to watching UFC reality shows on SpikeTV you white trash piece of shit.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

The World Cup is near, my friends.

Cristiano: "Why so glum, friendo? You no like me fucking you wife? Look, I make cool. I fuck you too."


I can barely contain my excitement. The World Cup is one of my favorite sporting events, but unlike the NFL or NBA playoffs, I have to wait four fucking years to watch it. Instead of waxing poetic about how it's a great game and Americans are stupid for not watching it, I'm just going to pass along whatever I come across in a series of quickies.

First up, David Beckham + Snoop Dogg + Daft Punk + one of the guys from Oasis + one of the guys from Knocked Up + Star Wars.


Also, Shakira sings the theme song for the World Cup. Because nothing says South Africa like Colombia.


Now I hope that at least some of you will give half a shit about the games this weekend. They will at least be fun, regardless of the outcome. Plus, America plays England. I can't wait for that. My advice would be to find the nearest "pub" to go watch. You'll be able to find these things pretty easily. They are the places where you try to drink as much beer as you normally do, but either get too full or run out of money before you're properly shitcanned.

Until later, biotches.

Umbro is Making Sure the Ladies Don't Feel Left Out This Summer

A new series of shirts featuring some of the favorite teams of this year's World Cup is being advertised by Umbro using the hot wives and girlfriends of some of the world's biggest soccer stars. I have to admit that not only are the shirts attractive, the ladies are as well.

representing England is Abbey Clancy fiance of Peter Crouch

representing Italy is Alice Bregoli, the girlfriend of Alberto Gilardino

representing Uruguay is Zaira Nara wife of Diego Farlan 

representing France is Charlene Suric, wife of Gael Clichy 

representing Argentina is Luli Fernandez, girlfriend of Pablo Mouche

and finally representing Germany is Julia Godicke wife of Marcell Jansen

and representing Brazil is Susana Werner, wife of Julio Cesar. 

click here to read The Daily Mail article