Thursday, June 10, 2010
CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.
"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."
Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.