OMG! PLAYOFF CALIBER FUNK!

German Hank Hill Dirk made OKC look silly the other night, knocking down 48 pale and uninspiring points, none of which made while breathing through his nostrils. Last night, Alabaster Jones got his. And how!

On Professional Basketball Players Playing Worse Than I Would Play Professional Basketball

When I watch a professional athlete perform, I usually have to stand in awe and silent acknowledgement that I could never do what he does. When I see Mr. Pujols drive a ball into the upperdecks, I remember how not far my longest homer ever sailed. The same is true for Peyton Manning flinging a ball 60 yards with a flick of his wrist into a hole the size of a basket.

This acknowledgement is never as profound as it is when I watch NBA basketball. I could practice hitting, or passing, but you can't practice being tall. Even "little" guys like Steve Nash are 6'3" or so. THAT'S TALL, YO.

So you can't imagine my utter disappointment when I see some overgrown sliltish oaf playing basketball at a level under my own. Enter Brad Miller. Enter Disappointment.

Anyone who touches the ball thrice, each time to subsequent disastrous effect, is worse than I am. Even I know when to NOT touch the ball. His time was right after he gave it to Nash. The first time. I can only imagine the diasappointment of those he was also playing with:

Kyle Lowry: "What the hell, BRAD."
Miller: (low grumbling) "Man, I dunno...I just tried....play hard...tough loss....guurrrhhhh...tough play."
Aaron Brooks: (slapping Miller's hand away) "No, Brad. The postgame spread is for people who aren't made of fuckup."
Miller: "Real tough los-..."
Chase Buddinger: "Thanks a lot, BRAAAAD."
Miller: "You're welcome? Err...Anyone want to go clubbing?"
Luis Scola: "No, BRAAAAAD."
Miller: "Tough loss."

Again, tough loss. But then again, it could've been less tough if, you know, he hadn't blow the game all single handedly and whatnot.

Ways To Make Zack Like Basketball: Make Players Good Looking and Then Throw Them Through The Air

This is an ongoing series throughout what, for me, is the worst period of time in sports. Baseball is a few months away, and football is as good as dead until the fall. And it's all because, no matter how much I try (AND BELIEVE YOU ME I TRY A LOT) I just can't watch, like, enjoy, get behind, or generally stand basketball. I'll watch a Blake Griffin dunk, or a last second Rudy Gay buzzer-beater, or LeBron do anything. But, and nothing against basketball or any of its fine fans, this time of year is a real struggle for me to get through. Feel my pain, and bear with me, as I try to show room for the game's improvement.

Make The Players Better Looking, Then Throw Them Through The Air

If there's anything I don't like watching, it's men sweating as they perform feats of athletic prowess. The speed. The dexterity. The muscular definition. I've got none of that. I somewhat famously pulled a muscle or broke a rib sneezing. That's a bodily function. I didn't hurt it doing anything as athletic as Phil Jackson does on the bench coaching, and he's like 119 years old or something (THERE'S SOMETHING TO THAT ZEN, KIDS). Seeing all these guys, you know, moving well puts me in a bad mood. Plus, I'm not tall at all. All of those guys in the NBA? They're really freaking tall, which is why most of them got into basketball in the first place. Steve Nash is supposed to be short, and he's like 6'2" or something. Baseball? Prince Fielder is good at it and he's so fat, he'd float in most bodies of water, and that's AWESOME. Humans don't play football anymore, it's steroid-fueled creatures of Frankenstein and those dancing robots Fox has that are really playing under those pads and jerseys.

In order for me to tune in to college or NBA hoops, I'm going want to look at the players. And you know who I like looking at? Pretty women. Fill the NBA with gorgeous women running up and down the court, sweating, and fouling each other. That way when I watch them, I'm going to want to keep watching them play all of the basketball things that I don't understand. You want to know why all of those late night channels run ads with voluptuous women talking on phones? Because people like watching them do things, like talk on the phone and demand money. I'd wager a lot more people will enjoy watching them do whatever it is that people who play basketball do.

Also, other people should be allowed to throw the now good-looking basketball players through the air to make plays. And a lot of plays, too, like mid-air passes, throwing a person into a dunk, and imagine the midcourt buzzer beaters! In the NFL, there are rules forbidding players to use other players to levitate themselves. If there are any of those rules in the NBA, we should get rid of them. That way, players could get thrown through the air, simulating the same - IF NOT MORE - type of high-flying antics that NBA fans already enjoy. People already don't like the WNBA because nobody's flying around, and even if they did, well, now we're just back to the original problem with the NBA. My advice is to make sure that the good-looking players are flying around.

Plus, people getting thrown through the air is just cool. I believe everyone here knows my stance on the necessity of a return to an Era of Catapults.

That would make me watch some more basketball. 66 days until MLB opening day, by the way.

(Originally published on Zack Gets Down, a neat website you should all check out.)

English Midfielder James Milner Accidentally Stabs Self In Anus With Lawn Dart

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA - James Milner, midfielder for Team England in this year's World Cup, accidentally stabbed himself in the anus while attempting an ill-planned maneuver during a friendly game of lawn darts with his fellow squad mates.

"Well, you know how sometimes footy players will try and do a front-handspring, but where they use that momentum to throw the ball really far?" explained fellow midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips. "He tried to do that, but with a lawn dart instead, and failed epically, the end result being a lawn dart up my mate's rear."

Milner will therefore be unavailable for the World Cup match against the United States, as game time will be at or near the gauze will be carefully detached from the wound, as they have already begun to become grafted to the still-healing skin in and around the anus.

OMG! WELL-TIMED REBOUND AND SUBSEQUENT LAY UP!

THE BALL WENT IN THE CIRCLE AS TIME EXPIRED! GOOD THING KOBE BRYANT MISSED THAT THREE POINT SHOT, SAYS RONALD ARTEST, EH COWORKERS? HUZZAH! I KNEW THE LAKERS WOULD WIN BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TEAM THAT HAS MOST RECENTLY WON A CHAMPIONSHIP AND USED TO EMPLOY THE SERVICES OF MAGIC JOHNSON.


I watched a How I Met Your Mother rerun last night. If you're not watching that show, you're missing out on some good ole fashioned, American, all-Caucasian guffawing.