And Now A Word on Tim Tebow

For some reason, everybody only wants to talk about Tim Tebow. Every single goddamn talking head on ESPN is apparently paid per Tebow reference. Which is ok with me, because at least it's not Jerry Sandusky.

The only real problem is that every single person that talks about Tebow tries to view him through the lens that they force down our fucking throats.

How about we think outside that box for a second?

First, they regard this Bronco's scheme as some sort of batshit insane scheme - the likes of which we have never seen before. Don't they call this the wildcat in every other offense? Is there something I'm missing that makes this different? Oh yeah, Tebow's white.

Furthermore, they can't help themselves from sensationalizing EVERYTHING. The dude is 24. Why not actually try watching him play a little football, instead of skipping all the steps and asking "CAN THE BRONCOS WIN THE SUPER BOWL WITH TEBOW?!" Why not ask whether or not the Broncos can make the playoffs first? (Spoiler: Yes, the Broncos can make the playoffs. The AFC West is like the derpshit teenagers in Scream: EVERYBODY'S A SUSPECT) Why not ask if the Jaguars can win a Super Bowl with Blaine Gabbert? Or the Vikings with Christian Ponder? Aren't they his peers?

What would be nice and refreshing would be if we could all take a step back to look at Tim Tebow.

Believe it or not, there was a time when quarterbacks didn't just sit in the pocket and throw the ball, benefiting from the myriad of rules that protect them. They were just one of several ball carriers, and didn't need to slide if they ran. Tim Tebow happens to be a football player, and that's what nice about him.

I'm really sorry he flies in the face of the Tom Brady and Peyton Manning NFL that pundits and writers have been pushing at us for decades. Sorry you're having a tough time explaining him to the Sportscenter crowd. It might make it a little easier if you showed more games, and less Around the Horn.

People like to talk about how awful he is at throwing the ball. He's pretty bad at it. But so are 20 or so other starting quarterbacks. At least Tebow's useful besides that. And instead of comparing him to current pass-only quarterbacks, why not try to talk about what his strengths are?

Because they're haters. I don't exactly like Tebow or the Broncos, but I hate the haters, and I like watching somebody who's going to stick his face into the pile to try and score touchdowns.

Icehouse is sorry

Icehouse hasn't been around too much. I apologize for this. I've been a little swamped with some stuff, like riding my fucking bike from Houston to Austin.

Anyway.

Here's some pictures to fill in some space here.

The Foo Fighters support the Grizzlies.


Fans just can't let Tony forget about Eva.


A little old school, but it bears reminding that Jason Williams wore this shirt to the White House.


Lamar Odom pops bottles.


And finally, Chris Kaman put a suppressor on his .22.

Kemba Walker's trollface is amazing.

It's... it's just too perfect.

The best part is that they really did troll us all. We were all suckered into watching... whatever that was. Some people will claim that superior defensive play was on display last night. Those people are horrendously wrong. True, both teams are better defensively than other teams, but holy shit was that just an exhibition in bricklaying.

Butler sucks. I was all about them last year because of Duke haterade, but this year was the same shit, just a year older and minus Gordon Hayward. So no, I don't give a shit about Butler or the underdog or any of that nonsense. You tiptoed and bumblefucked your way through the weakest possible bracket lineup to another championship game, then shot 12 for fucking 64 from the field. Butler might as well have their bulldog mascot (who is actually pretty cool) come out and take a shit on midcourt.

12 shots made. Out of 64 attempts. That's 18%. Here are some other things that are 18%:
-18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the Earth
-18% of Kentucky nursing homes abuse their residents
-18% of Americans think Congress is doing a good job
-18% of Florida homes are vacant
Source

Moving on, I'd like to point out that UConn women lost to Notre Dame in the final four. So after all the hoopla about how this is the greatest chick team ever or something, they lose and all the glory goes to the men's team. So sad. And Hilarious. Hilariously sad.


Finally, UConn is facing NCAA punishments for recruiting improprieties. Jim Calhoun himself has to sit out the first three Big East games next year. He'll probably still collect that salary, though.

So yeah. The bad guys won. I'm happy about it. You should be too.

On Professional Basketball Players Playing Worse Than I Would Play Professional Basketball

When I watch a professional athlete perform, I usually have to stand in awe and silent acknowledgement that I could never do what he does. When I see Mr. Pujols drive a ball into the upperdecks, I remember how not far my longest homer ever sailed. The same is true for Peyton Manning flinging a ball 60 yards with a flick of his wrist into a hole the size of a basket.

This acknowledgement is never as profound as it is when I watch NBA basketball. I could practice hitting, or passing, but you can't practice being tall. Even "little" guys like Steve Nash are 6'3" or so. THAT'S TALL, YO.

So you can't imagine my utter disappointment when I see some overgrown sliltish oaf playing basketball at a level under my own. Enter Brad Miller. Enter Disappointment.

Anyone who touches the ball thrice, each time to subsequent disastrous effect, is worse than I am. Even I know when to NOT touch the ball. His time was right after he gave it to Nash. The first time. I can only imagine the diasappointment of those he was also playing with:

Kyle Lowry: "What the hell, BRAD."
Miller: (low grumbling) "Man, I dunno...I just tried....play hard...tough loss....guurrrhhhh...tough play."
Aaron Brooks: (slapping Miller's hand away) "No, Brad. The postgame spread is for people who aren't made of fuckup."
Miller: "Real tough los-..."
Chase Buddinger: "Thanks a lot, BRAAAAD."
Miller: "You're welcome? Err...Anyone want to go clubbing?"
Luis Scola: "No, BRAAAAAD."
Miller: "Tough loss."

Again, tough loss. But then again, it could've been less tough if, you know, he hadn't blow the game all single handedly and whatnot.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Ok, jabronies. Short and sweet. GO OUTSIDE! WINTER IS DONE!

/knocks on wood

Ok, first off, Demar Derozan totally should have kept dunking. No props, son!

If you watched the dunk contest, Blake Griffin missed that dunk. A couple of times.

And now, some freaky stuff. This dude falls off a mountain. OFF. A. MOUNTAIN.

Ager Stefan Stubai drop PTTP from Stefan Ager on Vimeo.

And this... this is just too bad. Probably the second worst thing Phil Simms ever produced. The first being his son, Chris.


OMG! High School Funk!


Ok. I'm done. Get two dollars, y'all.

OK Tim, nice and easy

OK, Tim, nice and easy. Just need to get it over the plate. There's nobody on, and this guy's a cake eater.

Nice little breaking ball in will do the trick. It'll get him to ground out, or maybe even golf one straight up. Gosh I love seeing these guys do their thing in the infield. So crisp and perfect, it really reminds me of why I love to play the game. I'd strike out fewer people, and throw more pitches that resulted in grounders, but you know. I like to show off a little also.

Except with this pitch. This pitch is going to be banal. I can't throw every pitch like it's my last, I got a career to think about. This one's going to be nice and easy, break in, and hopefully get him chasing something that ends up in the dirt. Nothing fancy or remarkable about this one, no sir. Not gonna be pretty. Speaking of pretty, I need to pick up some new conditioner. But after the game.

/takes bong hit

HERE IT COMES MOTHERFUCKER!

.gif below via SB Nation, since MLB is lame and definitely going to pull that video in the next ten minutes.

OMG! DOUBLE FUNK!

ThreeTwo reasons for posting:

1.) Wanted to beat Icehouse to it. What, just because he's taller, more athletic, actually plays and actually follows the sport, he's the only one who gets to blog about it? Zounds!

2.) It's awesome. That's simple enough.

3.) Nothing gets me going like two athletic guys dangling in the air by their hands and rubbing their nubile bodies against one another like so.

TWO REASONS. TWO MEN. ONE DUNK.

OMG! FUNNK!

Mars, Bitches.

Dr. Manhattan from The Watchmen was pretty awesome. I've always aspired to lead the kind of existence where I could roll around Earth naked, saving people, killing people, or saving people's lives just to kill them later. Multitasking like Dr. Manhattan means that you do science and gets freaky deaky at the same time. That's multitasking like a mug, y'all. He's the best of every world, literally.

Every world literally, because if you tick him off, he bounces to Mars to build glass castles. Mars, bitches.

And that's why I think we'll survive the "impending strike." Go ahead, check the comments.

You see, the NBA is great and successful this year because of a few select Dr. Manhattans. These few heroes wield enough power to ensure that we will always see some hoops. If the new collected bargaining agreement never gets agreed upon, the same cagers that we send to represent America can just bounce and go rep the states in a different form. Professionally, in other leagues. The New York Times reiterated my point quite eloquently.

I would really like to see the proliferation of foreign leagues, with one or two superstars per league. I'm talking ballers that would make those leagues both more watchable and more profitable. The idea has been floated before. I'm different, because I would follow these cats anywhere. One thing's for sure, no matter where JR Smith plays, I'm going to pay attention.

OMG! FUNK!


Europe is perfect for this for a couple of reasons. First, they are sports crazy, just like us. Furthermore, basketball has been the fastest growing sport in the world in recent decades, on a pace that will have it rival soccer within our lifetimes. Finally, European hoops leagues have the (potential) fan base and infrastructure set up to handle the globetrotting year-long circus that a stunt like this would require.

I would love to see a world where professional basketball expands so that the Larry O'Brien trophy is a legitimate claim to the title of "World Champion." Maybe a European vacation for some of our best players is the first step on the road to seeing this dream become reality.

OMG! Lazy Thursdays!

So we're not that great at Thursdays. We just aren't. Not that we don't have stuff to say or anything, it's just that none of it ever finds it's way here on Thursdays.

At least we've got some wacky hoops videos to watch.

First, we have Memphis' own Joe Jackson (in the green, playing for White Station) dunking on fellow University of Memphis commit Tariq Black. I sure hope these guys are roommates next year.


Here's something crazy from Europe. I do believe that Tony Skinn kicks a guy in the gut, dunks on him, then grabs his nuts. He crammed more flavor into that one move than I did in my entire career.


And finally, if Brittany Griner's dunking ability didn't convince you that she was a dude, here she is hulking out on a fat white girl.


Yeah, we're going to need the bitchslap picture for that one.


Delicious.

UPDATE: AARON RAMSEY BROKEN LEG VIDEO!
I'm not sure why, But EVERYONE'S reaction is pretty hilarious. And Ryan Shawcross, you should feel bad about breaking a leg and all, but get a grip. Dudes that break legs don't go crying like a bitch about it... fag.


So yeah. Awesome and everything. The writers need to write more.

Caption Contest!

So this picture has been all over the internetz since the Wiz game began last night. So here it is again, for your viewing and captioning pleasure.

Gilbert Arenas could give two shits about DC handgun laws. The rest of the Wizards - Mike Miller and Fabricio Oberto included - think the whole thing is a big joke.

On that note, I really do, too. Some dudes were clowning in the locker room. Clearly, everything's cool now. People have been saying a lot of nonsense about this incident, largely because it fits in with "OMG! BLACK MILLIONAIRES WITH GUNS! SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING! THE NBA IS FULL OF THUGS!

So yeah. Caption Contest and shit.

(Image via SLAMonline, NBA OffSeason, Sports Pickle... which means it will be on Ball Don't Lie next week)

F*ck off, we're busy

It's on now, motherfuckers.

So, we may have a new writer coming, who could possibly keep a D1 basketball player's views on life.

No fun bag today, y'all. We're busy. Busy partying. Normally we wait til the end of the day to party. Not today. Today we party now.

Anelka v. Odom

Has anyone ever seen Nicolas Anelka and Lamar Odom in the same room at the same time?

Anybody?

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Jake Peavy says it's a Jager night. Sounds about right.

So after a brief hiatus, the fun bag is back! Woo!

Without further ado, let's get to the fun. First and foremost. Via Brian, we have Chuck Norris fighting Bruce Lee, while a Kitten looks on.


As if that wasn't righteous enough, here's some fun with cars gone wrong.


The first thing I ever youtubed was the video for All the Things She Said by T.a.T.u. It was the only thing I wanted to see. Since embedding that video has been disabled, we get the techno remix. It's pretty good.


San Jose Sharks fans are pathetic. San Jose Sharks fans that cry? Now that's keyboard cat worthy.


Cleveland's biggest resident recently challenged this guy, B. Manley, to H.O.R.S.E. for $1,000. It's on now.


Yes. Let's all go get heat stroke, y'all.

Caption Contest!

"This reality show is bullshit."

or...

"Hey Sam, do they have these blue, yellow and red lines on a real NFL field? I wouldn't know."

or...

"Run faster! Mr. Jones is gaining on us!"