Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Congratulations, Fuckfaces.

We're really proud of you. Way to go. Your athletic fandom has meaning. I would also like to thank you, Duke fans, for making the world hate what has been a more likable Duke team than usual. Because of you, a new generation of Duke haters has been born.

You see, Duke hasn't won a tournament since 2001. It's high time that we remind a generation of kids that Duke fans are the unclean of the sports fans. They are not to be touched.

In addition to being the world's finest collection of grade-grubbing douchebags, they are also silver spoon classless cumstains. Exhibit A.

Yeah, real clever. Duke fans are so pitifully annoying that they make Butler students look cool and attractive. Students that attend a university I've never heard of that's based in Indianapolis. That's hard, man. Really hard.

Seriously, who would you rather party with? Definitely this guy.

Take a look at the Duke roster. You're looking at the coolest that Duke has to offer. Seriously. Jon Scheyer is the coolest that Duke has to offer, and I'm fairly certain that he makes those goon-ass faces during sex. If he had sex. Which he doesn't. On a side note, Butler coach Brad Stevens gets way more ass than the rest of the Duke team. I'm sure Coach K got elbow-deep in some Chinese tang in the summer of 2008, but back stateside, he's still married to that dude.

Which brings me back to you pimply fuckfaces at Duke. Being smart and going to a good school is admirable. But see how many friends being elitist about it earns you. People that go to the best schools in the country (not Duke) are nervous about revealing this fact, due to the stigma attached to it. In a Blue Devil's astigmatism-afflicted eyes, this stigma is a good thing.

So, we have social reject, ugly, and being an arrogant prick about it. What do you have? Oh! The "Cameron Crazies!" Duke fans must be crazy, right? Did they riot last night? No. No riot = not crazy fans. This really comes as no surprise. If you're not bold enough to take your socks off to have sex, you're probably not bold enough to light a campus police cruiser on fire.

Furthermore, I'm not sure who's delusional enough to do this, but don't even try with saying that it's a nice place to go to school. Calling Durham a shithole would be disrespectful to anuses everywhere.

So yeah. Have fun with this victory, Duke fans. Soon you will face the real world, where like every Duke player not named Danny Ferry, you will fail. Enjoy regaling your local bartender with the story about how you totally skipped out on your physics study group to watch the 2010 National Championship on Coack K court. He'll be really impressed.


  1. I can't even count how many of my own testicles I would have willingly given for that half-court heave to go in.

  2. As sweet as that would have been, and that would have been pretty sweet, I still treat it like it is: a minor league championship game.

  3. I've always liked Duke since the Bobby Hurley days.

  4. I bet a tetsticle that it would go in, and I'm really regretting it now. Feels like I got punched in the stomach!