Kemba Walker's trollface is amazing.

It's... it's just too perfect.

The best part is that they really did troll us all. We were all suckered into watching... whatever that was. Some people will claim that superior defensive play was on display last night. Those people are horrendously wrong. True, both teams are better defensively than other teams, but holy shit was that just an exhibition in bricklaying.

Butler sucks. I was all about them last year because of Duke haterade, but this year was the same shit, just a year older and minus Gordon Hayward. So no, I don't give a shit about Butler or the underdog or any of that nonsense. You tiptoed and bumblefucked your way through the weakest possible bracket lineup to another championship game, then shot 12 for fucking 64 from the field. Butler might as well have their bulldog mascot (who is actually pretty cool) come out and take a shit on midcourt.

12 shots made. Out of 64 attempts. That's 18%. Here are some other things that are 18%:
-18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the Earth
-18% of Kentucky nursing homes abuse their residents
-18% of Americans think Congress is doing a good job
-18% of Florida homes are vacant
Source

Moving on, I'd like to point out that UConn women lost to Notre Dame in the final four. So after all the hoopla about how this is the greatest chick team ever or something, they lose and all the glory goes to the men's team. So sad. And Hilarious. Hilariously sad.


Finally, UConn is facing NCAA punishments for recruiting improprieties. Jim Calhoun himself has to sit out the first three Big East games next year. He'll probably still collect that salary, though.

So yeah. The bad guys won. I'm happy about it. You should be too.

WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW, WHITE AMERICA?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


BASK IN IT! HAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW, HUH? MAKE YOUR KIDS PLAY SOCCER AND LACROSSE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

GRH Art Gallery: Wolfpack Edition

[Click to set mood]

Good evening. Tonight's enterlightenment comes from a young man in North Carolina with the wit of Wilde and boner of Emily Dickinson. I'm sorry, I should have said the "libido of Emily Dickinson."

What's that? She was a shut in?

Well she probably... you know... hey, YOU'RE GROSS. Get your mind out of the gutter, this is an Art Gallery for pete's sake!

Sorry to lose my cool there, everyone. May I improve the mood with some wine and cheese?

[Icehouse snaps fingers]

[Lattimer produces box of Franzia and can of EZ Cheez]

Moving on. The prose of this young man is magnificent. It is like looking into the brain of Hawthorne and thinking to yourself, "shit yeah sew that letter on my clothes, this is some straight naughtysauce."

Which of course is how Hawthorne really spoke. Don't believe me? Fine, Bing that shit, see if I care.

Anyway, allow me to quote from the latest to join our pantheon of artists. Open your brain to the words of young CJ Leslie, forward for North Carolina State.

"She Finally Came"

she was hesitant...
about the lack of time we spent.
she said, "i barely know you,
and
i'm kinda sick."
i said "calm down
... only as friends."
i waited it out,
and tried it again.
this time only to find out
that we had work til 10!
DAYUM
where did I go wrong?
just tryna find a beneficial friend...
i'm starting to think these excuses
are
other men...
the next time she cancelled,
it was for an emergency.
man
this chick is really avoiding me...
then i got a text.
"sex."
YES.
she finally came.
over
and over, and over, and over...

Splendid. Magnificent. Beautiful. These lyrics are breathtaking. Note the use of colloquialisms, the alternation in capitalization practices. The references to modern technology in a pursuit as primal as a hobo caveman fighting a sabre-toothed tiger for the rights to chill in a cave.

Fin.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Oh man. Ouch. Icehouse is... over this week.

"Wassup baby, wanna see my title belt?"

Ho shit. WEEKEND.

BOUT. FUCKING. TIME. So let's just get down to it.

First of all, this video combines three things Icehouse likes: Skiing, Manu Chao, and pain.

Miles Breaks His Face from UnofficialNetworks.com on Vimeo.

In the words of Lattimer: PPGF


Here we have a crazy downhill mountain bike course in Brazil, and the inevitable epic crash. That's a whole lot of damage done to his bike.


Hypnosis, breakdancing, fat guy striptease, and a double off-the-top-turnbuckle finisher. It's perfect.


More wrasslin'? You bet. Believe it or not, Icehouse has actually been to this very arena.


You gotta do something to entertain yourselves when you live in Kansas. Make the most of it Jayhawks. How's that home winning streak going? HARHARHARHARHAR.


Good work everybody. Now go get your swag on.

Caption Contest!

It's going to be a good week. Baseball hath returned, the Champion's League is in full swing (and has two games today), and the most soothing golf tournament in the world fills out HD TVs with azaleas, lush greenery, and as few minorities as possible. A tradition like no other.

SO! Pictures! Pictures to caption! Please do not lump all of your captions into one comment box. More comments make me think that more people are paying attention to me, and well, I could use the ego boost.

First up, we have Gordon Hayward freaking out while Lance Thomas seems oddly at ease.


Keeping with the college hoops we have Tiger, really really happy at a Stanford game.


Keeping with the Tiger theme, we have a picture of his girlfriend from his Stanford days. This isn't a funny picture, I just want the meanest thing you can possibly say about this obviously jilted ex-lover.


Party. Caption away.

Congratulations, Fuckfaces.

We're really proud of you. Way to go. Your athletic fandom has meaning. I would also like to thank you, Duke fans, for making the world hate what has been a more likable Duke team than usual. Because of you, a new generation of Duke haters has been born.

You see, Duke hasn't won a tournament since 2001. It's high time that we remind a generation of kids that Duke fans are the unclean of the sports fans. They are not to be touched.

In addition to being the world's finest collection of grade-grubbing douchebags, they are also silver spoon classless cumstains. Exhibit A.

Yeah, real clever. Duke fans are so pitifully annoying that they make Butler students look cool and attractive. Students that attend a university I've never heard of that's based in Indianapolis. That's hard, man. Really hard.

Seriously, who would you rather party with? Definitely this guy.

Take a look at the Duke roster. You're looking at the coolest that Duke has to offer. Seriously. Jon Scheyer is the coolest that Duke has to offer, and I'm fairly certain that he makes those goon-ass faces during sex. If he had sex. Which he doesn't. On a side note, Butler coach Brad Stevens gets way more ass than the rest of the Duke team. I'm sure Coach K got elbow-deep in some Chinese tang in the summer of 2008, but back stateside, he's still married to that dude.

Which brings me back to you pimply fuckfaces at Duke. Being smart and going to a good school is admirable. But see how many friends being elitist about it earns you. People that go to the best schools in the country (not Duke) are nervous about revealing this fact, due to the stigma attached to it. In a Blue Devil's astigmatism-afflicted eyes, this stigma is a good thing.

So, we have social reject, ugly, and being an arrogant prick about it. What do you have? Oh! The "Cameron Crazies!" Duke fans must be crazy, right? Did they riot last night? No. No riot = not crazy fans. This really comes as no surprise. If you're not bold enough to take your socks off to have sex, you're probably not bold enough to light a campus police cruiser on fire.

Furthermore, I'm not sure who's delusional enough to do this, but don't even try with saying that it's a nice place to go to school. Calling Durham a shithole would be disrespectful to anuses everywhere.

So yeah. Have fun with this victory, Duke fans. Soon you will face the real world, where like every Duke player not named Danny Ferry, you will fail. Enjoy regaling your local bartender with the story about how you totally skipped out on your physics study group to watch the 2010 National Championship on Coack K court. He'll be really impressed.

Texas may lose, but they're still cooler.

No way would a Longhorn be caught dead looking like this dipshit. Nuh uh. Furthermore, Cole Aldritch is a giant sack of lame. He'll be like Brian Cardinal. What a wiener.

Enjoy the win, Jayhawks. Have fun doing whatever there is to do in Lawrence. The 'Horns are perfectly content to just be all-around cooler people. And to make boatloads more money next year. Fuck a degree, we're going to the League!

You know who's awesome?

This guy.

This dude is the shit. He hoops in college. For Siena, who has a habit of ruining my brackets every spring. He also has an apostrophe AND a hyphen in his first name. That's setting the bar pretty high.

His whole life has been a fucking struggle. He was one of seven children, and had to move across country to move in with one of his siblings after shit went bad. But he didn't let that shit get him down. He worked his way into community college, where he hooped for a year. The first part of his life story starts out like too many others, which all too often turn to crime, drugs, drug crime, or some other destructive force. Not my man here.

He's better than that.

After his first year in community college, he decided to serve for four years in the military, doing a tour while stationed in Iraq. That's right. As if he hadn't fought for enough in his life, now he's going to go fight YOUR battles also.

He got back from the suck, went back to community college, and finally moved up to Siena. In addition to hooping, he's also active in the improv/comedy group at Siena. Dude does more in one day for his school than most do in an entire career.

Just-in'love wants to be a state trooper to help out with the border patrol in New York. Canadians don't have a clue what's coming to them. Just-in'love makes me hate so many people in America. Fat, lazy, Wal-Mart fucks, self-entitled frat boy fucks, myself, people that bitch about the welfare while supporting the war but don't go fight their damn selves, and thousands of others.

Step aside, bitches. Just-in'love Smith is here to save the fucking day. Keep kicking ass, big guy.

McWuncler's All Americans: April 2009

Fuck you, college.

So I was hard at work formulating my latest prognostication, which was that one day, some enterprising young fellow would would realize that Europe has no age restrictions, will pay, that pro hoops is pro hoops, and decide to go play professionally without even finishing high school.

But then this fucker went ahead and did it.

I'm totally for it. It's economics. The NCAA had a stranglehold on basketball prospects until Kevin Garnett decided that was horseshit and made the jump. This grew and grew until the NCAA cried hard enough for David Stern to enact the minimum age requirement in 2006. The NCAA hides behind the shroud of caring about kids, but this is nonsense. Have you any idea how much more money the NCAA would have made had LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard et al decided to go to college? Boatloads. That's what they're upset about.

You care about kids? Why not honor scholarships no matter what? What about all that talk about "most of us are going pro in something other than blah blah blah? Where's Leon Smith these days? Huh? You two-faced sacks of shit.

What the NCAA should understand is that they're not an enormous money-making entity. They're supposed to be about higher learning. They lost sight of that. They want to be as relevant as the NBA, and that's just not logical. They have the best postseason of any sports organization, amateur or otherwise. That shit is exciting, and the whole world watches it. They should be content with what they are, instead of bending the rules to suit themselves. They should also ask themselves what having a host of one-and-done players running roughshod over competition actually gets them in the end. Well, it gets them cash, so they could probably give a fuck.

I'm proud of Jeremy Tyler. He's going to blossom as a player, and as a person. Seriously, what do athletes actually get out of college?

Don't try to tell me that he's going to miss out on his education. Players have much better track records when they go back for their degrees (see: Vince Carter, Shaquille O'Neal, Stanley Roberts. Actually, research Stanley Roberts before telling me I'm wrong). People like Jeremy don't want a higher education, and don't need one. It's unfair to force them into a farce of one. Don't tell me that all players get something out of more school, because they don't. I've seen what kind of "education" D1 athletes get.

Finally, it's about time that we let players play, regardless of age or sport. Where was the uproar when Freddy Adu went pro at 14? What about Andre Agassi? Michael Phelps? Basketball is an urban sport, populated mostly by poorer African Americans. The very people whose families would benefit the most from a pro athlete's salary are told they need to wait 5 more years than suburban kids who play wiener sports like tennis and swimming.

Jeremy is going to be able to earn money for his family, instead of earning money for Rick Pitino. It's only fair, and I hope more kids do it in the future. Thank you Jeremy Tyler, I just wish you would have let me document my prediction, instead of writing something all after the fact.

Caption Contest!

1, 2, 3, AWKWARD SMILE!

or...

Vince Carter secretly wishes he had the sweet Argyle sweater on the guy three rows behind him.

or...

Julius Peppers applies the perfect death grip.

Do better than these. It's a good one.

The NBA: Where The Big Jabbawockee happens

This was a great All-Star game. The whole weekend was great, in fact. H-O-R-S-E (give the name back, you Geico ratfucks!) is a great addition to the festivities, but I'm still waiting for a 1-on-1 tournament. More on that at a different juncture.

Anyways, Lattimer requested some Shaq for this week's Fun Bag, but I couldn't help myself after seeing this. Shaq is a Big Mystery. Shaq in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a lie wrapped in an onion. He's so many things to so many people. Savior, traitor, MVP, Deputy Sheriff, Overpaid galoot.

Me, I've gone through various stage of Shaq. He was undeniably the most valuable player in the NBA for about half a decade. It took Tim Duncan and David Robinson to stop him, and Shaq v. The Admiral is the most underrated rivalry of all time. He's been the killer that tore the Mexican Azzurri apart three years in a row, yet the guy I had to watch. The dump truck in which Los Angeles filled its hopes, dreams, exposure, and drama.

Acting, rapping, shoe-producing, spokesman of failed sports drink endeavors, Shaq has done it all. Needless to say, he's filled some different shoes.

But he's entertaining as anything, though, isn't he?

Look at him go! It's not the best Shaq breakdancing we've featured on this glorious experiment, but it's on a different production level.

Although he may be in the twilight of his career, he's still the guy that we all fell in love with back in the day. The way I think about Shaq is that he's like the giant robot that the kid gets to control in that one movie. Shaq's body is the gigantic robot, life-destroying yet tender. Shaq's mind is the six-year-old. He doesn't have the tightest grasp on everything, but he's good.

I hope I never see a world without the Big Cactus.

Ghost of Roy Hobbs: 1 Mass Media: 0

I case y'all were wondering, the best media source in the fucking universe rides our coattails.

It's a pretty good article, saying essentially what we said back in July.

Can I get a hallelujah?