MINNEAPOLIS — Summoning all of his powers of senility, the wily and curmudgeonly violent Atlanta Braves Coach Bobby Cox killed 47 people, injuring 112 more during an on-field rant over a blown call at the plate while visiting the Twins. The victims were players, fans, coaches, umpires, ball boys and beer vendors alike.
"Chipper (Jones) was clearly safe," said Cox from beneath a muzzle, fastened sturdily to the walls of the solitary confinement ward of a maximum security mental facility. "We've gotta maintain some credibility out here."
"I mean, what, are we going to have to replay every play at the plate?" said Jones, advocating for his seemingly-mentally unstable skipper. "Coach went out to defend his player. Can't fault him for that."
The league has fined Cox $1,500 for being ejected and has suspended him for the remainder of the away trip to Minnesota. Federal agencies are at a loss to press charges against Cox, as instant replay is not allowed to review plays at the plate, and they "really can't tell if he was safe or out. Coulda gone either way."
Cox currently holds the record for most ejections in major league history (145), fatalities (81), injuries levied (388), and kidnapping (4). Ted Turner, owner of the Atlanta Braves says he relishes those statistics.
"That's just Bobby doing his thing," Turner said, kissing his 14-year-old World Series ring. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."
BOSTON — Kevin Garnett, whose knee injury kept him from the latter part of the season and most of the playoffs, says that he's ready to defend Boston's crown in the NBA Championship.
"I feel like I'll be ready to go," said Garnett. "Not yet, but by this time next week? Definitely."
Garnett, who won defensive player of the year accolades last year, says that the Championship belongs to the Celtics, with second place going to the Lakers.
"It's a rivalry that runs deep. I'm pretty sure it's in our contract, too," Garnett said in an empty Boston locker room. "I don't know where everyone is..."
When informed that the Celtics had been beaten by the Orlando Magic and would not be advancing in the tournament, KG laughed.
"You're dumb," said the All-Star. "We're going to the Championship, and when we get there, I'm going to play. But really, you're a big dumb, retarded dummy."
Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and every other member of the Boston Celtics organization were unavailable for comment, as they were vacationing elsewhere.
So yeah. Draft this weekend. The NBA playoff train keeps rolling. There's the ever-present shitload of baseball available. Good stuff all around.
So first and foremost, spring and summer is prime grilling time.
New rule: The Suns are never allowed to make the playoffs ever again. Sorry, but their time is just more useful to all of us doing other stuff. Everything's great in the video, but listen to how they describe Robin Lopez.
The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the Eighth Dimension. Yep.
Few teams have as much fun as the Cavs have. Seriously. Well, maybe the Suns. But the Cavs have fun playing basketball, so it's different.
And finally, a CollegeHumor original, perfect for bloggers, and set to a rocking tune.
Thanks everybody for your love and support. Now let's go to rumland.
This was a great All-Star game. The whole weekend was great, in fact. H-O-R-S-E (give the name back, you Geico ratfucks!) is a great addition to the festivities, but I'm still waiting for a 1-on-1 tournament. More on that at a different juncture.
Anyways, Lattimer requested some Shaq for this week's Fun Bag, but I couldn't help myself after seeing this. Shaq is a Big Mystery. Shaq in an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a lie wrapped in an onion. He's so many things to so many people. Savior, traitor, MVP, Deputy Sheriff, Overpaid galoot.
Me, I've gone through various stage of Shaq. He was undeniably the most valuable player in the NBA for about half a decade. It took Tim Duncan and David Robinson to stop him, and Shaq v. The Admiral is the most underrated rivalry of all time. He's been the killer that tore the Mexican Azzurri apart three years in a row, yet the guy I had to watch. The dump truck in which Los Angeles filled its hopes, dreams, exposure, and drama.
Acting, rapping, shoe-producing, spokesman of failed sports drink endeavors, Shaq has done it all. Needless to say, he's filled some different shoes.
But he's entertaining as anything, though, isn't he?
Look at him go! It's not the best Shaq breakdancing we've featured on this glorious experiment, but it's on a different production level.
Although he may be in the twilight of his career, he's still the guy that we all fell in love with back in the day. The way I think about Shaq is that he's like the giant robot that the kid gets to control in that one movie. Shaq's body is the gigantic robot, life-destroying yet tender. Shaq's mind is the six-year-old. He doesn't have the tightest grasp on everything, but he's good.
I hope I never see a world without the Big Cactus.
Sure, this is old. Sure, this is a throw away. Sure, this is funny. But you should still be able to have a ball with this one. 
MINNEAPOLIS — Summoning all of his powers of senility, the wily and curmudgeonly violent Atlanta Braves Coach Bobby Cox killed 47 people, injuring 112 more during an on-field rant over a blown call at the plate while visiting the Twins. The victims were players, fans, coaches, umpires, ball boys and beer vendors alike.
BOSTON — Kevin Garnett, whose knee injury kept him from the latter part of the season and most of the playoffs, says that he's ready to defend Boston's crown in the NBA Championship. 
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