JJ Barea and Ron Artest have an exchange.

JJ Barea: Hey Ron!


Ron Artest: Hey, what's up, JJ?


JJ Barea: Your momma's so stupid, that...

THE NBA IS BACK

NO MORE BULLSHIT LIKE THIS! NO MORE FUCKING SPECULATION! THEY ACTUALLY PLAY BASKETBALL GAMES THAT MATTER TONIGHT!

Yes. YES. Break out your beers, pick your favorite goon-ass role-player and drink every time he does something. I call JaVale McGee (His Wizards tip off against the Mavericks at 8:30 ET. It's not on nationally).

We also get our first look at the NBA's version of Yankees-Red Sox! The first look at Shaq and LeBron (Shabron if they win, LeBraq if they lose) against the Celtics. OMG! SHEED! Rondo wants a new contract, KG says he's healthy, Paul Pierce still thinks he's the best player in the world, Glen "Big Baby" Davis is out indefinitely after breaking his thumb in a fight, and Jesus Shuttlesworth is himself. DID I MENTION THAT RASHEED WALLACE IS ON THAT TEAM?!

The Clippers get to begin their existential blight of a season without #1 pick Blake Griffin, since he broke his kneecap. Still gotta tune in to the late game, though. They're playing Kobe, Pau, Lamar, RON GODDAMN ARTEST and the rest of the Kardashians.

Elsewhere in Fox Sports local land, we have the playoff match up of the Rockets and Blazers. Lamarcus Aldridge just signed a big extension for the boys from PDX. Tracy McGrady and Yao better pray that Trevor Ariza is half as good as Artest was for them, or they could be looking at not even making the post season.

YES! SPORTS ON TV DURING THE WEEK!

Celtics' Garnett Says He'll Definitely Be Ready for the Championship

BOSTON — Kevin Garnett, whose knee injury kept him from the latter part of the season and most of the playoffs, says that he's ready to defend Boston's crown in the NBA Championship.

"I feel like I'll be ready to go," said Garnett. "Not yet, but by this time next week? Definitely."

Garnett, who won defensive player of the year accolades last year, says that the Championship belongs to the Celtics, with second place going to the Lakers.

"It's a rivalry that runs deep. I'm pretty sure it's in our contract, too," Garnett said in an empty Boston locker room. "I don't know where everyone is..."

When informed that the Celtics had been beaten by the Orlando Magic and would not be advancing in the tournament, KG laughed.

"You're dumb," said the All-Star. "We're going to the Championship, and when we get there, I'm going to play. But really, you're a big dumb, retarded dummy."

Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and every other member of the Boston Celtics organization were unavailable for comment, as they were vacationing elsewhere.

Thanks for nothing, Roger Goodell

R.I.P.


So now the wedge is outlawed. Sweet. Great. Thanks. The one, ONE play in football games where I was guaranteed to see some hits is now pussified. Thanks for nothing.

What is the deal with this? The NFL now has more rules and gray areas than Sexual Harassment laws. It's absurd to think that at the highest level of a sport where men have been grinding and battling for a decade, we're going to all of a sudden remove all violence. In what universe does this make sense?

Fellow Americans (and assorted cool foreigners), we are witnessing the destruction of our greatest contribution to the human race. Tackling quarterbacks now more resembles playing Operation, what with the extra care you have to take to not collide with any of the forbidden zones (anything not covered by a vest). Virtually any hit resulting in a decleating or snotbubbles is outlawed. Catching passes over the middle is now the fancy of the weak and lazy, as opposed to be the least fun thing in the world.

Why don't you go ahead and kill Santa Claus too, Goodell?

And now. Now we're outlawing the wedge. First developed by the Romans as a tactic to punch a hole in the hearts of a defensive breach, a couple of millenia later, we're removing the last semblance of the rape and pillage history that made football great to begin with.

"Wedge" used to be a cool word, too. But now it's only going to be used in contexts referring to cheese, shoes, sex pillows and this guy.

This is how democracy dies.