Celtics' Garnett Says He'll Definitely Be Ready for the Championship

BOSTON — Kevin Garnett, whose knee injury kept him from the latter part of the season and most of the playoffs, says that he's ready to defend Boston's crown in the NBA Championship.

"I feel like I'll be ready to go," said Garnett. "Not yet, but by this time next week? Definitely."

Garnett, who won defensive player of the year accolades last year, says that the Championship belongs to the Celtics, with second place going to the Lakers.

"It's a rivalry that runs deep. I'm pretty sure it's in our contract, too," Garnett said in an empty Boston locker room. "I don't know where everyone is..."

When informed that the Celtics had been beaten by the Orlando Magic and would not be advancing in the tournament, KG laughed.

"You're dumb," said the All-Star. "We're going to the Championship, and when we get there, I'm going to play. But really, you're a big dumb, retarded dummy."

Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and every other member of the Boston Celtics organization were unavailable for comment, as they were vacationing elsewhere.

Vikings Brass Freaking Out That Best QB on Their Roster is Named 'Sage Rosenfels'

MINNEAPOLIS — In what most in the Vikings front office thought was an "obvious joke," the 2009 NFL Draft has come and gone with no quarterbacks taken in any rounds by Minnesota.

"I mean, we really pooped the bed on this one," said one officer in the Vikings camp. "I'd dust off my resume, but I'm fairly certain we're all done for."

"I mean, Coach Childress slouched in and put the names on the bulletin board," said star running back Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. "I felt like someone kicked me in the back of the inside of my stomach with a knifeboot."

"How am I supposed to possibly survive?," rightfully whimpered the doomed Sooner.

Even the QBs in the organization were bewildered that they would have to go through a belittling and career-ending starting carousel throughout the season, without the benefit of having a youngblood, hot-shot talent taking their jobs.

"I mean, I was looking forward to riding the pine and at least maintaining a shred of credibility that I might be able to play," said former USC starter John David Booty. "Now? I'm definitely about to lose money getting thrown to the wolves about game eight."

"Good-bye retirement. Hello insurance agency applicaiton."

Coach Brad Childress was available and willing for comment, but reporters were unable to discern his drunken and unintelligble babble from anything resembling a human thought.

Caption Contest!

"You see baby, Ron Artest only smokes the finest blunts- I mean cigars."

or...

Girl in the foreground: "HEY! Don't take P. Diddy's picture without his permission!"

or...

"RON ARTEST FARTED! YOU HEAR ME?! LOOK HOW ANGRY I AM!"

Look, it's Ron Artest, some ho, some dude, and some crazy looking ho in the foreground. If you can't come up with a better caption than these, you can go to hell.

UPDATE: We had some solid comments on this one. It was honestly hard to choose. While I'm biased to myself, commenter "Brian" had one post referencing Ron's penchant for domestic violence, and then an enormous paraphrasing of the last verse of Eminem ft. Dr. Dre "Guilty Conscience." At the risk of creating a downpour of paraphrased rap verses, Brian's Guilty Conscience wins. But he loses points for not changing the line to include that Ron Artest is from Queensbridge, NY, not Compton.