You KNOW Birdman is fixin' to party. Heeeeellls yeah.
This week was crazy kinds of long. Completely upsetting, really. I'm ready to BuFu this week. IN THE FACE. Bitchin.
OK, let's get to some vids.
First and foremost, this is some great camera work for some naughtysauce biking in Whistler. I will now point out that the Olympics will be in Whistler, and I'm mad jealous of anybody up there right now.
Bill Walton is gangster. And loves gin, apparently.
Rough night. but I did come home to a Ryan Bingham Austin City Limits replay.
but now we have CFB. Which is awesome.
I realize we had this yesterday, but Explosions in the Sky is great. Imagine this as ESPN's flagship song for CFB. Also a little shout out to friend of the program vitustinnitus who, along with Icehouse, showed me the awesome.
Not too many gameday notes.
-Wazzu is repping once again.
-Not too many good signs from the Columbus crowd (expected) but we do have some good Charlie Weiss fat jokes. Although there is a "search kids eat free sign." -Not sure how I feel about DMB and CFB
-Santonio is the celeb picker. Picking purely on fansanity. I can respect that.
Ok not too many games to get excited about. We'll be watching Old State, Michigan/ND, and the big one tonight. Hokies are on 360 which I don't have. This may be a good thing because walls computers and other items will not be punched do to offensive inability. *********************************************************************************** -PSU scores early, simply better than the Cuse.
-PSU up 14-0
-Follow The Wiz on Twitter. He will hook your ass up with out of market games. Now watching Army/Duke (FLEXBONE!!!!)
-But seriously, follow him.
-Fresno up on Wiscaaaaansaaaan 21-17
-Sports Bar break
-Not surprised that Houston is giving Boone Pickens trouble.
-For the Longhorn fans. Dave Christiensen is good, but not that good. You better "Hook them" or whatever the fuck it is you do to opposing teams.
-Michigan ND is a good game, we have the Catholic D-bags leading the newly reformed liberal D-bags 20-17.
-I'd like to thank all the Christians in Texas for beating the cake-eaters from Virginia.
-I'll note that Rich Rod seems to be using more gap schemes in his running game. He's typically been a zone guy.
-ND......BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON IT FISH EATERS.
-On a more serious note, the Forcier kid is pretty impressive especially for a true freshman.
-Musberger continues to piss me off even though I have little fan interest in the game.
-"That'll take the crowd out of it" /1 minute later "Crowd is back in it" Yes Brent, 100,000 plus fans packed it up because the other team scored. Seriously, just fucking go away.
(They are coming to your city because they hate you) Alright, I'll throw some relevant, and not so relevant thoughts on the early games. I'll be updating throughout the day, until I'm locked in the basement for the Tech game.
-The Kenny Chesney song is even more horrific than I could have ever imagined......Aaaaaand they still have Big and Rich. I hate ESPN so much right now.
-Under Armor debuts their new commercial. It's kind of a who's who of Under Armour commercials with Explosions in the Sky providing the soundtrack. Take note ESPN.
-Crowd reaction to the Blount punch is priceless.
-Colt and Bradford look so cute together. Somewhere Icehouse is vomiting. -And there is the Washington State flag.
-Nick Saban on gunshot wounds. "Not knowing a lot about gunshot wounds (ED-bullshit) It's really nothing more than a puncture wound.
-Obligatory SEC chant
-Obligatory overrated chant. (ND on the screen)
-And 11:20 EST we get our first Tebow of the year.
-Lane Kiffin on. Over/Under on a secondary violations committed- 2
-11:30 EST first beer.
-Musberger in a NASCAR....I'm not saying I'm hoping for a crash. But...you know.
-T-Mobile: They call him that because Tech's offense utilizes the drop back look and run play.
-Lee's upset alert Washington and LSU????
-Chipppaaaah, as the guest picker.
-Agree with Herbstreit that the Bama/Tech game will come down to the offenses/QB's
-Lee Corso....Mascot selection.....here comes.....The Pachyderm. Seems to be the general consensus.
-Best sign at gameday from EDSBS via@Flubby *************************************************************************************
Alright I'll be flipping between the Navy OSU game, Syracuse and Paulus, Lehigh, and a little of Old State for the early throw away lineup.
-OSU scores early, good pass by Pryor, Midshipman missed tackle.
-I'll say it again, Spielman is the best analyst on TV.
-Navy is impressive, they are executing the option flawlessly against bigger, faster, stronger, opponents. QB just scored on a midline play.
- Say what you want but it was cool what OSU did pregame and opening with Navy, Tech did something similar for ECU.
-Paulus, dare I say....not that bad all things considered?
-Gahhhh, Navy should be killing them with counter option. OSU is trying to rotate their safeties to motion. That's a flexbone 101 no no.
-Paulus throws a TD. Faked the bubble went up top on the fade. Good example of series football in the passing game.
-Seriously, Paulus is not that bad, he just made a hot read on a blitz.
-Paulus flopped, and you say there is no carryover between BBall and Football. Navy puckering the assholes in the entire state of Ohio. 14-23.
-UNI 13 Iowa 10. May have to rethink my Big 10 (11) argument.
-Navy big TD pass (85 yrds) to make it 21-29. Also, this is why you don't play man against option teams.
-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Navy picks off a Pryor pass into OSU territory, 3:51 left, plenty of time for the flexbone to do it's thang.
-TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NAVY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Midline follow...........waiting for the two point........fucking picked by tOSU for two points. SHIT
-Bob Griese is either drunk or suffering from too many concussions. I say drunk.
-Don't rip on tOSU, well actually no, destroy them. But give Navy some credit. we'll finish out this portion with Paulus watch.
-UNI field goal to win...blocked...double shit.
-Paulus really needs to stop the insane scrambling, throws pick in OT, Minnesota wins. All things considered, not a bad outing. Give him some credit.
-Lehigh loses to directional Conneticut state. Same shit as last year. I hate so much right now.
Ok we have OK State UGA and MIZ-ZOU Illinois in the 3:30 games. May check out Michigan
-Sorry we had a beer/wings/sports bar intermission.
-Don't follow ESPN personalities on twitter, during gameday it's worse than watching the actual thing.
-The MIZ-ZOU is very surprising. Everything coming out of Columbia, including my inside source was anti-Gabbert. He played very well today, I may have to change my thoughts on the Big 12 North...maybe.
-Michigan and ND. Hey, good job. It's not like they played world beaters, but they also didn't look like shit.
-The San Jose State USC game was an upset alert until the clock started.
-OK State was somewhat impressive. It was at home, and yeah they got some calls, but the defense was better than I expected.
-Ok enough with ripping on Millen as an analyst. He's good. If you're only argument is "well he sucked as a GM so he's stupid" then you must also follow the logic that Emmit Smiff is a great analyst because he was a great player. Seriously, listen to what he's actually saying. I guess I just appreciate a guy who knows the difference between a counter and "running it off tackle with a jab step" If you want to debate it, we can arrange that.
-Spielman is still the best.
-Oklahoma vs. BYU is on right now. Mormons VS. the Normans.....Sorry I had to.
-Big 10 (11) haters have some material to work with this week.
-Ok we all know VT and Bama is on tonight. And we all know I'll be locked in my basement. (complete with rubber walls) At this point I'm just hoping things don't get too bad. But if they do... It's been nice blogging for you Hobbers.
Billionaire and BET Founder Robert L. Johnson is selling the Charlotte Bobcats, because vinegar-based barbecue sauce is horrible. Or because North Carolina's a dump. Or he's sick of Duke fans. Or something, I don't know.
Anyways, the Ghost of Roy Hobbs has acquired the erstwhile franchise, as well as the rights to 106 & Park. What are we planning on doing with this scrappy band of up-and-comers? Well, we've got a few ideas.
-Lattimer is given an airhorn rigged to sound like the scream of a bobcat.
-Free admission to all fans wearing cowboy boots, boxers, aviators, and nothing else.
-Emeka Okafor will be player/CFO.
-Pat Summitt is head coach. Reasoning: The one thing every NBA fan can agree on is the importance of solid fundamentals. She will be forced to wear corn rows and show a little chest, after she shaves it. She is also the one woman in the world that can withstand a Ruben Patterson attack.
-Ruben Patterson is assistant coach.
-Blackjack consoles fold out of the seats in front of you; all major credit cards accepted. First five beers free. That'll make a 30pt ass-a-stompin from lebron go down a little easier. If you're gaming you get a free shot every time Emeka gets dunked on. Why has no-one thought of this?
-Your ticket stub of a home win will be redeemable for one tattoo at any area tattoo parlor. The catch is that it must be the same as one of Gerald Wallace's.
-It will be first NBA team headquartered on an Indian reservation or military base. Any tailgating that involves automatic weapon fire is a good idea. The early favorite is Zack Stovall's birthplace, Camp LeJune.
-If DJ Augustine breaks ten assists in a game, everyone gets a free hampster
-Charlotte Bobcats will now be known as the "Naval Air Station Pensacola TurboDawgs.” 18 to enter, 21 to Party.
-Iron Chef-style cooking reality show where Sean May is the judge.
-"Thursday night is amateur night in Club Swamp Rocket, so ladies, work on those moves; First place gets a date with Vladimir Radmanovic.”
-Spitoons.
-Crepe-eating contest against Boris Diaw.
-Sweepstakes contest to re-name Alexis Ajinca to something that sounds less communist. [Ed’s note: I have no idea why this happens to Alexis and not VladRad]
-Five lucky fans take on Raja Bell in those sumo wrestling suits. At the same time.
-Halftime cage matches with the WWF stars of yesteryear.
-Go kart racing around the club level.
-Instead of a blimp dropping coupons for wings at Chili's we'll eliminate the middle man and just drop the wings.
-Jetpack beer vendors.
-After every win (home or away), a pack of bobcats is released onto the court. My plan ends there, which is exactly where the hilarity begins.
-Free nipple piercing on Tier 3.
-Pay $1 to have Nazr Mohammad guess your weight and age.
-Pay $1 to guess Juwan Howard's weight and age.
-Test your paintball accuracy by unloading 50 rounds at the bound and gagged Rhythm Cats.
-The Rally Cats will be fired. As acting CFO, Emeka Okafor will do the firing. Icehouse will be present with a Polaroid camera, so he can shout, “ha! this is how sad you looked! I can't believe this shitty gig is all you had in your life! Now, get your ugly ass off my property." Lattimer gets to fire Rally Cat Joe.
-"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.
-The Rufus Room is about to become a strip club. "Eddie House" will be added to Rufus' Pet Peeves. “Anything by Petey Pablo” will replace all of Rufus’ favorite songs. Rufus will have a giant, inflatable counterpart.
-DeSagana Diop will personally greet every fan that enters the stadium with, “Welcome to the Bobcats game. I love you."
Here's hoping that this happens again, for some reason.
YES! The second season is upon us! GODDAMN RIGHT! I've decided that this year, I'm going to give what I want to have happen, series by series.
EASTERN CONFERENCE: (1) Cleveland Cavaliers v. (8)Detroit Pistons -Cavs. Because of Bron. Sorry, Sheed.
(2)Boston Celtics v. (7)Chicago Bulls -Bulls. If KG isn't playing, then I have literally no incentive to give a fuck about this Boston team. Suck shit.
(3)Orlando Magic v. (6)Philadelphia 76ers -Magic. Because Rashard Lewis is what Andre Iguodala will be.
(4)Atlanta Hawks v. (5)Miami Heat -Hawks. Because Miami are some smarmy fucks ever since winning the championship. Also, the Hawks are fucking badass.
WESTERN CONFERENCE: (1)Los Angeles Lakers v. (8)Utah Jazz /sighs //takes pull of whiskey -Jazz. I never thought I'd ever pull for the Jazz for any reason, but here it is. Deron Williams is awesome, Ronnie Brewer is VERY fun to watch, and Carlos Boozer has a hilarious habit of shouting obscenities where microphones can hear him.
(2)Denver Nuggets v. (7)New Orleans Hornets -Push. The most "QUIEN ES MAS GANGSTER" matchup I've ever seen. This is the fucking tits. Tyson Chandler, JR Smith, Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey "Gorzo the Mighty" Billups, Chris "Birdman" Andersen, AND the best point guard in the league all going at each other? Break out the bottle of Tanqueray, put on some soul music and let the flavor happen. If I have to decide, Nuggets, because of Homerism.
(3)San Antonio Spurs v. (6)Dallas Mavericks -Spurs. Because Robots > Nazis. And Homerism.
(4)Houston Rockets v. (5)Portland Trailblazers -Blazers. This one was really tough. I'd love to see the Rockets make it out of the first round, just to spite T-Mac (and because Ron Artest, Luis Scola, and Kyle Lowry are awesome), but I've always loved the Blazers. I can't explain it. However, LaMarcus Aldridge, Brandon Roy, Travis Outlaw, Grandpa Greg Oden, and the Spanish Mafiosos speak for themselves.
OK. Phew. That was tougher than expected. We'll see how these turnout, hopefully I won't be that sad.
Also, it's Lattimer's birthday. Wish him a happy one in our comment sections, because he's probably on his fourth Vodka and Whey Protein drink at this point, and will be out of commission until we have more information.
In light of the news that broke today (at least somebody's got a job, right?), we decided to combine our best/halfassed efforts into coming up with headlines that we would most like to see happen in the coming year. On with the show!
Steve Lattimer: -FIU coach Thomas wades into Miami surf, never to be seen again. -Thomas: "FIU is my dream job I just screwed up the Knicks to have a legitimate reason to come down here" -Reports show thanks to coach Thomas, America now knows about FIU. -Panther Strike: FIU finishes 4th in Sunbelt.
Zack Stovall: -MIAMI — Isiah Thomas voted 'Coolest Guy on Campus' and 'Least Likely to Succeed' in yearbook superlatives. -ORLANDO — On his first recruiting visit, Isiah Thomas could only stare awkwardly after he addressed the athlete's mother as 'sir.' -TALLAHASSEE — Isiah Thomas thrown out of a local Long John Silver's for agitating the fry cook for some crabbie patties. -KISSIMMEE, Fla. — Isiah Thomas sent to a local hospital after choking on a tater tot from laughing at the name of the town he was driving through. -ATLANTA — Isiah Thomas asks Hawk Joe Johnson to borrow a couple of bucks just to "catch a bus back home." -OXFORD, Miss. — Isiah Thomas kicked off Ole Miss' campus for public urination on John Grisham statue. -LITTLE ROCK — Coach Thomas ejected from UALR game, even after Bob Knight-esque chair toss was thwarted by chair being bolted down. -ORLANDO — Coach Thomas brings Mike Singletary into locker room to motivate team by pulling down pants, FIU routs WKU 178-44. -MIAMI — Isiah Thomas contracts airbourne venarial disease, dishes out several. -DEKALB, Ga. — Iraqi-born reporter throws shoes at Thomas in post-game conference; Shaq's size 22 sneaks don't miss.
Icehouse: -Isiah Thomas’ Dental Records Confirm That he was Present at Airstream Trailer Catastrophe -Isiah Thomas Finishes 5th in Catfish-noodling Competition -Isiah Thomas Kidney-punches Alonzo Mourning, Flees -Broward County Teen Pregnancy, Alligator Poaching Skyrocket -John Wall Transfers to Florida International University -“Storm’s gon’ be a big’n” Predicts Overalled Isiah Thomas, From water-damaged La-Z-Boy on Front Porch -Texas outlasts FIU for NCAA Championship in Double OT Thriller -Isiah Thomas Confuses Press Corps by Cryptically Declaring Self ‘HNIC for Life’ -Panthers Tired of Isiah Thomas Pretending to be Electrocuted Since Growing Afro -Eighth Day of FIU Standoff Ends Peacefully
Booker Pogue: 1.) FIU Campus Riots after Thomas Urinates on Alumni Honoree During Bizarre Halftime Incident 2.) Police Still Looking for Missing Critters after Drunken Isaiah's Midnight Petting Zoo Escapade 3.) Onlookers Baffled after Louis Farrakhan Throws Opening Pitch for FIU's '09-'10 Basketball Season 4.) Missing Teenagers Rescued after Isaiah's Speedboat Shootout with DEA, FBI Agents 5.) Isaiah Defects during Recruiting Trip to Havana; Will Star in Cuban Celebreality Dance Competition. 6.) Thomas Invites Holyfield to FIU Lockerroom for Pregame Speech; Kicks Former Champ in Groin. 7.) Coccaine "Donation" to Local Charity "Nets" Thomas 12 Years 8.) At Coach's Insistence, Quarter Beer Night to Continue in Spite of Violence for Panther Basketball 9.) Thomas Declares Sovreignty, Demands Backtaxes from Neighboring Residents. 10.) Judge Mandates Vasectomy after Latest Isaiah Thomas Paternity Suit.
"You see baby, Ron Artest only smokes the finest blunts- I mean cigars."
or...
Girl in the foreground: "HEY! Don't take P. Diddy's picture without his permission!"
or...
"RON ARTEST FARTED! YOU HEAR ME?! LOOK HOW ANGRY I AM!"
Look, it's Ron Artest, some ho, some dude, and some crazy looking ho in the foreground. If you can't come up with a better caption than these, you can go to hell.
UPDATE: We had some solid comments on this one. It was honestly hard to choose. While I'm biased to myself, commenter "Brian" had one post referencing Ron's penchant for domestic violence, and then an enormous paraphrasing of the last verse of Eminem ft. Dr. Dre "Guilty Conscience." At the risk of creating a downpour of paraphrased rap verses, Brian's Guilty Conscience wins. But he loses points for not changing the line to include that Ron Artest is from Queensbridge, NY, not Compton.
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