Friday, May 22, 2009

GRH Acquires the BETcats

Billionaire and BET Founder Robert L. Johnson is selling the Charlotte Bobcats, because vinegar-based barbecue sauce is horrible. Or because North Carolina's a dump. Or he's sick of Duke fans. Or something, I don't know.

Anyways, the Ghost of Roy Hobbs has acquired the erstwhile franchise, as well as the rights to 106 & Park. What are we planning on doing with this scrappy band of up-and-comers? Well, we've got a few ideas.

-Lattimer is given an airhorn rigged to sound like the scream of a bobcat.

-Free admission to all fans wearing cowboy boots, boxers, aviators, and nothing else.

-Emeka Okafor will be player/CFO.

-Pat Summitt is head coach. Reasoning: The one thing every NBA fan can agree on is the importance of solid fundamentals. She will be forced to wear corn rows and show a little chest, after she shaves it. She is also the one woman in the world that can withstand a Ruben Patterson attack.

-Ruben Patterson is assistant coach.

-Blackjack consoles fold out of the seats in front of you; all major credit cards accepted. First five beers free. That'll make a 30pt ass-a-stompin from lebron go down a little easier. If you're gaming you get a free shot every time Emeka gets dunked on. Why has no-one thought of this?

-Your ticket stub of a home win will be redeemable for one tattoo at any area tattoo parlor. The catch is that it must be the same as one of Gerald Wallace's.

-It will be first NBA team headquartered on an Indian reservation or military base. Any tailgating that involves automatic weapon fire is a good idea. The early favorite is Zack Stovall's birthplace, Camp LeJune.

-If DJ Augustine breaks ten assists in a game, everyone gets a free hampster

-Charlotte Bobcats will now be known as the "Naval Air Station Pensacola TurboDawgs.” 18 to enter, 21 to Party.

-Iron Chef-style cooking reality show where Sean May is the judge.

-"Thursday night is amateur night in Club Swamp Rocket, so ladies, work on those moves; First place gets a date with Vladimir Radmanovic.”


-Crepe-eating contest against Boris Diaw.

-Sweepstakes contest to re-name Alexis Ajinca to something that sounds less communist. [Ed’s note: I have no idea why this happens to Alexis and not VladRad]

-Five lucky fans take on Raja Bell in those sumo wrestling suits. At the same time.

-Halftime cage matches with the WWF stars of yesteryear.

-Go kart racing around the club level.

-Instead of a blimp dropping coupons for wings at Chili's we'll eliminate the middle man and just drop the wings.

-Jetpack beer vendors.

-After every win (home or away), a pack of bobcats is released onto the court. My plan ends there, which is exactly where the hilarity begins.

-Free nipple piercing on Tier 3.

-Pay $1 to have Nazr Mohammad guess your weight and age.

-Pay $1 to guess Juwan Howard's weight and age.

-Test your paintball accuracy by unloading 50 rounds at the bound and gagged Rhythm Cats.

-The Rally Cats will be fired. As acting CFO, Emeka Okafor will do the firing. Icehouse will be present with a Polaroid camera, so he can shout, “ha! this is how sad you looked! I can't believe this shitty gig is all you had in your life! Now, get your ugly ass off my property." Lattimer gets to fire Rally Cat Joe.

-After every home loss, season ticket holders get three throws with the Managing Member of Basketball Operations in a dunking booth.

-"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.

-The Rufus Room is about to become a strip club. "Eddie House" will be added to Rufus' Pet Peeves. “Anything by Petey Pablo” will replace all of Rufus’ favorite songs. Rufus will have a giant, inflatable counterpart.

-DeSagana Diop will personally greet every fan that enters the stadium with, “Welcome to the Bobcats game. I love you."


  1. I will be swift, but fair with the airhorn.


  2. -"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.I'm in freaking tears.

    Semper Fi.

  3. Re: Rufus
    We can’t measure him; he won’t stand still"

    Well sedate the mother fucker.

    Shit, I'll do it for free.

  4. If my place of employment knew how much time The Iceman and I spent dicking around with this kind of shit, I'd be fired.

  5. Pete you have been using name in which I gave you and copyrighted in the early fall of 2003. I expect royalties.