Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Roger Clemens Lives in an Alternate Universe

As you might have heard, our favorite all natural pitcher, Roger Clemens went on Mike and Mike this morning. During the show, Roger denied all steroid allegations, going so far as to cite his step father's heart problems as a reason he did not use steroids or HGH. Because as everyone knows, once you marry into a family you automatically assume their DNA and medical history. It's fairly clear that Roger believes he did not take steroids, and I guess in Roger's mind as long as you believe something, it's not a lie.

Being the hardworking bloggers that we are, GRH decided to investigate this a little further and find out what else Roger believes to be true.

The following are some hard hitting facts straight from the Rocket himself.

The Morlocks have invaded.

Houston is a mighty fine place to live.

Vampires can survive outside with just 25 SPF sunblock, but everywhere that sells it closes before dusk.

Fog is just a hug from a cloud. Smog on the other hand is juiced fog, and WAY MORE RIGHTEOUS.

My son Koby has a bright future in the Astros organization.

Country singers always sing better after I plow them.

The Travel Channel’s Samantha Brown is a bitch.

The only way to eat a breakfast burrito is to dunk it in strawberry wine prior to each bite.

Because the conscience is the only tangible proof of existence, the only thing that can truly be proven to exist is the self, so fuck off, all you figments of my imagination.

Franz Ferdinand ROX!!

  1. Buttermilk > All other milks.
  2. His endorsement deal from Axe body spray is just around the corner.
  3. Agrees it's kind of ironic that he nicknamed A-Rod "bitch tits."
  4. That Pres. Obama ought to go sleeveless from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
  5. Shaving, common courtesy, and normal-sized testicles are overrated, while back-acne, uncontrollable rage and Paul Blart: Mall Cop are all remarkably underrated.
  6. If Texas is going to secede, they ought to give him at least part of Houston, and therefore refer to him as 'The Baron.'
  7. That people should just go ahead and call him 'The Baron,' with or without secession.
  8. That Ron Pearlman isn't that weird looking.
  9. Ironing shirts is about as cumbersome as trying to ball up the shirt and hurling it into the dryer, which he just can't help himself to do every time he throws something into the dryer.
  10. Ron Artest is a perfectly balanced and well-adapted individual. Not to mention handsome.
  11. Skoal + Copenhagen + sleep = Bliss, but quite a mess for the old lady in the morning.
  12. Limiting Roger Clemens to the normal amount of entries is a fool's game.

Clouds are made from giant cotton balls pasted on to a giant piece of blue construction paper, this creates our sky.

Wrestling is real.

The pink unicorn behind home plate tells him which pitches to throw.

Beer before liquor is always the way to go.

This whole Scientology thing makes a lot of sense.

Every night the moon god consumes our sun god and spits him out in the morning, this is how we get day and night.

Santa Clause is not real, The Easter Bunny? Totally different story.

Paris Hilton is a good Christian girl.

O.J is innocent.

MTV has gotten better over the years.

Cheating on your wife is ok, as long as it's with a teenage girl.

Entourage is a groundbreaking show.

Frosted tips look great!!!

Old Booker Pogue:

  • "The only way to settle this is for you to see my testicles, but then you press charges. What gives?"
  • "People make all kinds of assumptions when they hear I drink my own breastmilk. ... What? No, I was finished."
  • "Whoa whoa whoa... I never pinstriped my dog while I played for New York. It was a cat, and it was her idea."
  • "Laughter isn't just the best medicine, it's the ONLY medicine."
  • "An apple a day boosts anabolic metabolization of whey in lab mice at a rate of 325% over the control group. Rocknroll."
  • "Is it just me, or is Bobby Cox actually Emmylou Harris' twin brother? He's been looking good."
  • "The ironic thing is that nobody ever caught me corking my mitt."
  • "Reba? Yeah, just once or twice. But surprisingly agile and - dare i say? - fearless."
  • "Yes, I injected Rickey Henderson with absinthe, but it was just to trip out."
  • "Whitesnake sold out just when they were learning how to rock."


  1. "An apple a day boosts anabolic metabolization of whey in lab mice at a rate of 325% over the control group. Rocknroll."


  2. Say what you want about Roger Clemens but I'll be damned if I sit here idolly while you bad mouth Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

    official notice...