Thursday, May 21, 2009

Random Ideas

For those of you who know me understand that from time to time crazy nonsensical ideas pop into my head. Typically when these ideas come up others add to them and we end up with some form of undeniable hilarity. I'll be posting these from time to time, and I'm sure the other authors will as well.

So lets get started.

The University of Tennessee will self report a fourth secondary recruiting violation.
What was the offense you ask? A recruit's name was mentioned on Lane Kiffin's Twitter page.

Wa waaa waaaaa. Boooooring.

This is hilarious. The NCAA is worried about a recruits name being mentioned? Yeah, they need to protect the privacy of those recruits. Because you know, their aren't any websites or anything WHOSE SOLE PURPOSE IS TO ANALYZE EVERY MOVE THESE RECRUITS MAKE.

The NCAA is just pathetic.

So here's my idea.

Let's open up College Recruiting. Open Markets. The Wild West.


I think the SEC is the best place to start.

We have the most competitive conference, filled with hyper-competitive coaches, and a borderline insane fan base. Now imagine this with zero recruiting violations.

Could you imagine Lane Kiffin taking recruits to Knoxville's finest strip club on their visit. We could have Alabama boosters telling prospective running backs "Look we typically pay $100 a yard, but for you we'll pay out $250 and throw in a gift card to Best Buy for every TD." Shit even the recruits could negotiate. "Look coach Miles, I'm yours if you throw in an 8 ball and a stripper after every home game." And it doesn't have to be ALL bad. For example:

Tebow: Hey coach , I really love Florida and you have a lot of tradition. If the University builds me my own ministry I'm yours for four years. Look, other coaches have offered the same, so you know build that ministry and I'm yours.

Coach Meyer: Consider it done.

Now this would all be privately funded, because in my mind it's messed up to use an Auburn fan's money to buy off an Alabama player. This all leads to the best part. Since it would be privately funded the Universities can take allllll that scholarship money and give it to students who actually want to learn. Which is not to say that the athletes would not want an education, hell that may be their demand. "I just want books and tuition coach." Shit, this idea may actually keep kids in school for four years. The great SMU RB Eric Dickerson was once asked what was the difference between the pro's and college. His reply: "The paycut."

Vanderbilt, this is right up your alley. Vanderbilt University 2015 National Champions

Ohhhh and I'm just getting started. Lets look at basketball. The entire state of Kentucky would unite under one common cause. The best players money can buy. Three words to show you how cool this could be. Calipari no rules.

I could just see Booker Pogue throwing his children's college savings so UK could land that seven footer with a midrange shot. Hell it may even stimulate the economy. "Honey I'm opening up another tire store chain. We're lookin at this 12 year old, people are sayin he's the next Lebron, he's gonna cost us."

Then again it could bankrupt the entire Southern United States. In fact if I wanted to bankrupt the South, this would be one of my many plans.

"But Lattimer what about competitive balance, what about the schools that cant afford to compete."

Glad I asked myself this question. It's an open market, so everyone can't be bigtime. Schools would have to choose which "sector" they want to do business in.

(Mississippi State Athletic Boosters Banquet)

AD: "Well football didn't go to well, but we did throw all of our money into Jonny Utah who was supposed to be a sure thing. He didn't pan out, turns out the codeine/Jack Daniels cocktail he requested with his pre-game snack wasn't the smartest move on our part, but hey at live and learn.
/Clears throat
On a much happier note, we are kicking total ass in Women's Swimming and Diving. Turns out Once we showed those Chinese girls a dorm room and blue skies they were putty in our hands. Now smuggling them over cost some money, but overall we saved an estimated $150,000."

Now I would have one rule. Schools have to report everything they give to athletes. Money, narcotics, strippers, PB&J sandwiches with the crust removed, I want it all. In fact that would be my only recruiting violation. You fail to tell the public about that bathtub filled with chocolate chip cookie dough your star Lineman requested. Pay a fine to all the other schools in the conference.

And that's only for one conference.

I can only think of one drawback. If this thing actually spread the University of Oregon Fighting Highlighters would become relevant. Because of this guy.

And that would be a real shame.

So go ahead add your additions, critiques, questions, concerns in the comment section. Oh and I encourage you to be as absurd as the idea I just posted.


  1. Rhett Bomar sure wishes this is how things were done.

  2. I feel like I just peeked into the mind of a mad man.

  3. See Bomar wouldn't even have to sit and do nothing at the car dealership, he could get paid up front.

    Also I would have zero academic requirements, it would be left up to the school.

    Actually I'd keep the 12 hour rule just to see all the dumbass classes they would bring out of the woodwork.

  4. I would want to know the list of demands some players make. I feel that a lot of them would be akin to the list of demands from "Airheads."

  5. That was my inspiration for the "bathtub full of chocolate chip cookie dough"

  6. What else would an 18 year old intellectual manchild want the most in the world?

    It's gotta be a whole bunch of hilarious shit.

  7. If I was in that position I'd get my tuition, some extra cash, but you bet your ass I'd throw in some crazy shit. In fact I think I'd want crab chips and lemonade at my doorstep every morning.

    /wire elitism

  8. On a different note: I think instead of a jump ball, the two players should play a quick game of knockout (lightening, etc.)

  9. But... but... it's as though it were a professional league, but... No academics? But what about the integrity of... Sportsmanship is the most important th...

    Don't lose the illusion, Steve, it's cold out there.

    Also, we're way ahead of you. We just hired Nike's Sports Marketing Manager as director of basketball operations.