OMG! PLAYOFF CALIBER FUNK!

German Hank Hill Dirk made OKC look silly the other night, knocking down 48 pale and uninspiring points, none of which made while breathing through his nostrils. Last night, Alabaster Jones got his. And how!

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Well it's been a great week. First we completely troll the Royal Wedding by KILLING THE MOST WANTED MAN IN THE WORLD, Then we realize we shot him in the eye, THEN we reveal that we also had a SEAL dog. A DOG!!! Even Mother Russia gives us a stoic nod of approval.

This will be a longer Fun Bag simply because we need to address the Bin Laden Reaction.

I wonder if any of our writers has a video addressing this very issue. OH HEY!!! It's our very own Zack Stovall doing the damn thing on the stage.


A four Wheeler, a pistol, and the Stars and Stripes. Eat your heart out Michael Moore.


I mentioned the greatness of Dogs earlier. Most of you know I'm a dog lover, but let's just see what Cats were up to.

Figures

Ok now onto the usual with sports, and people getting injured.

Looks like The SNES Street Fighter game finally made it to Kazakhstan


Icehouse put it best when he said the Enya really made this video, I agree. Also, I love Enya


The Kentucky Derby is this weekend, and I absolutely love Horse Races. Did you see those LOZERS in England wearing those funky ass hats. HAHAHAHAHA We'd Never do that in Amer.....Damn


Finally, If you've haven't already done so, I'd suggest reading Matt Uffords eloquent reaction of a veteran. I know we've been waving our flags and have been going all America on everyone's ass. It goes without saying, but the reason we can celebrate, or condone celebrations, or have any public reaction at all is because we have men and women in our military who know the risks, and are the best at what they do. Most of us didn't do any of the work, but we're still damn proud of it.

Now back to the irreverence of GRH, I'll leave you with my favorite meme.

On Professional Basketball Players Playing Worse Than I Would Play Professional Basketball

When I watch a professional athlete perform, I usually have to stand in awe and silent acknowledgement that I could never do what he does. When I see Mr. Pujols drive a ball into the upperdecks, I remember how not far my longest homer ever sailed. The same is true for Peyton Manning flinging a ball 60 yards with a flick of his wrist into a hole the size of a basket.

This acknowledgement is never as profound as it is when I watch NBA basketball. I could practice hitting, or passing, but you can't practice being tall. Even "little" guys like Steve Nash are 6'3" or so. THAT'S TALL, YO.

So you can't imagine my utter disappointment when I see some overgrown sliltish oaf playing basketball at a level under my own. Enter Brad Miller. Enter Disappointment.

Anyone who touches the ball thrice, each time to subsequent disastrous effect, is worse than I am. Even I know when to NOT touch the ball. His time was right after he gave it to Nash. The first time. I can only imagine the diasappointment of those he was also playing with:

Kyle Lowry: "What the hell, BRAD."
Miller: (low grumbling) "Man, I dunno...I just tried....play hard...tough loss....guurrrhhhh...tough play."
Aaron Brooks: (slapping Miller's hand away) "No, Brad. The postgame spread is for people who aren't made of fuckup."
Miller: "Real tough los-..."
Chase Buddinger: "Thanks a lot, BRAAAAD."
Miller: "You're welcome? Err...Anyone want to go clubbing?"
Luis Scola: "No, BRAAAAAD."
Miller: "Tough loss."

Again, tough loss. But then again, it could've been less tough if, you know, he hadn't blow the game all single handedly and whatnot.

Political Pundits MLB power poll

The MLB season is quickly approaching, and we've asked some of our fine colleagues in the world of pundintry to give us their predictions on the upcoming season.

First up, Reality TV star Fox News analyst Sarah Palin!!! TM

Sarah: Well I just want to thank everyone here at GRH for allowing me to talk about our National pastime. I think Baseball is great because it's so American and I think the values that you see represented by this fine sport are traditional American Values that we really need to examine, and I think we as a country need to strive for them. As you know I was quite the athlete in high school and much like other Americans some of my self worth comes from how I competed in high school athletics. Soo hahahaha I know a thing or two about hitting a touchdown.

Top 3

1. New York Yankees: The Yankees are whats truly great about this country, they aren't limited by a big league office and they are allowed to really use american capitalism to outspend innovate against other teams. I also really identify with A-Rod, and the troubles he's faced with the paparazzi and the "gotcha" journalism we see so much from the far left. Even though gotcha journalism is a representation of what you actually know or do, I think he can really overcome his obstacles and "go rouge" (on sale at your local book stores)

2. Oakland A's: The A's are the quintessential American team, It's a small business in a small market, and they use that good ole American ingenuity to field a competitive team every year. They haven't won any championships yet, but I'm sure they have a chance this year.

3. Texas Rangers: You know, our former President George W. Bush used to own this team, and I know during his time there they were considred one of the worst teams in professional baseball, by the LIBERAL MEDIA. However, I think their recent success is an example of the ground work he paved for success.

Bottom 3

1. Chicago White Sox: As you know our current President, Obama, is a fan of this team, and I think his fandom is fake. He's just really really fake. It's all rhetoric. Socialism.

2. You know, this arbitrary preview is really distracting me from improving my image The American People. I quit.

Next Up, Glenn Beck, Fox News. Take it away Glenn!!!

/Dons cape and wizard staff
Glenn: America, we should be worried. Very worried. Socialist-Facist-Nazi-Marxist-Maoist-Globalist-Stalinist-Pol Potist-Pagans are INFILTRATING, the thing we hold dear, the thing every true American holds dear. Baseball. Let me just give you a quick lesson.

(Explained Via Chalk Board)

Top 3
1. St. Louis Cardinals: Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols were kind enough to attend my Rally to Restore Honor. And that's the key word. HONOR. We've lost it folks, we've lost our HONOR. These fine men, took time out of their season to talk to Americans about....Faith. Hmmmm I wonder who else had faith? Oh, haha, that's right. JESUS!!!

2. Los Angles Angels of Anaheim: America, I was talking to a small boy the other day. and he was saving up money, he /chokes up he was saving pennies, nickels, and small change. For a Gift. A gift for America. He said he wanted everyone in America to have a guardian Angel on their shoulder. I said I wouldn't cry, but you know who else likes Angels? GOD!!!

3. Washington Nationals: Washington, I bet you are surprised that I would pick a team from our nation's capital. But let's look at the meaning of the team. The Nationals, a pride in OUR NATION, a team that represents all of our greatest ideas. You know, they also have mascots, charicatures of individuals. Individuals who would change the course of our great nation, and set the course of the greatest civilization the world has ever seen. Who are those mascots? THE FOUNDING FATHERS!!!

Bottom 3

1. Los Angles Dodgers: The Dodgers have a certain player on their team, and you won't hear this from the clueless mainstream media. His name is Dioner Navarro, from Venezuela, home of the known Socialist HUGO CHAVEZ. /throws magnets on chalk board. Now I did a little research on Navarro. And a little something stuck out to me, hmmm what was that. Ahhh Here it is a . six six six career OPS. Hmmm where have I heard that number before. Oh, haha that's right THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST, AKA THE DEVIL. Now, who else in history was a fan of the beast. That's right. THE NAZIS AND HITLER!!!

2. Seattle Mariners: I did a little research on this team, and I advise you to do this yourself. Don't believe me, EDUCATE yourself. But the Mariners, a seemingly simple name honoring our nations fine....Mariners. People who worked hard, searching for the bounty of the sea to feed our nation. However, recently this industry is struggling. Recently, China has become the largest national fishery accounting for over 49 million tons of fish and aquatic life PER YEAR. PER YEAR. Now, that seems somewhat of a coincidence. UNTIL you look at this article from MLB.com In 2007. The headline reads. "Mariners sign two Chinese players to Minor League contracts" THE SEATTLE MARINERS HIRE CHINESE WORKERS FOR OUR NATIONAL PASTIME!!!. I wonder who else wanted Chinese workers to take over the world economy? Ah yes, our good friend MAO TSE TUNG!!!

3. Chicago Cubs: Initially when you look at the Cubs, you instantly know about the Daly's and the corrupt Chicago politics. However let me point you to a player on that team. Bobby Scales, who currently resides in Chicago. however let's examine where he went to school? Hmmmm University of Michigan, the same alma mater as THE WEATHER UNDERGROUND'S BILL AYERS, WHO ALSO CURRENTLY RESIDES IN CHICAGO AND IS BEST FRIENDS WITH BARACK OBAMA!!! We simply cannot trust the Cubs.

4. Cincinatti Reds: Red. Color of Communism. Stalin!!!

5. Houston Astros: Astro. Star Logo. Zodiac. Astrology. PAGANS!!!

6. San Francisco Giants: Lincecum. Pot. Giants. BIG GOVERNMENT!!!

7. Kansas City Royals: Royals. Kings. Queens. EUROPEAN STYLE OF GOVERNMENT!!!

8. Sand Diego Padres: Don't you mean the fathers? WE SPEAK ENGLISH IN THIS COUNTRY!!!

Ok, that's enough Glenn. Next we ha....

Sarah Palin TM: Oh I'm back now.

2. Toronto Blue Jays: As you know the Blue Jays are located in Canada and I simply do not think their universal socialist healthcare system can handle all the injuries during the 162 game season.

3. Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles haven't won anything in years yet they stay afloat. Why? Well they get all the big MLB handouts with the revenue sharing. They simply sit back and don't try to innovate or create any jobs. I talk all about this in my book "America by Heart." But I don't want to get caught up in the typical Washington politics I'd rather go back to Alaska, but I'll probably be back.

Thanks, Sarah. Next we have MSNBC's Rachel Maddow.

Rachel: Thank you, Lattimer, is that your name, Lattimer? I typically don't get into the sporting events typically witnessed by millions of Americans. I typically resign to reading various topics of political theory and discussing it with other intellectuals during the course of free time. I find that examining the writings of Alexis de Tocqueville or clicking through the CIA fact book can be rather relaxing on those nights where I simply need to let my brain settle by reading topics on the lower level of my own Flesch Kincaid scale of readability.

/Smirk

To use the vernacular, I was what was known as a "Jock" in my formative education years, however I have simply lost interest in my athletic endevours, unless they obviously spill over into my world of political theory. As a result of my apparent ignorance on this topic, I've decided to ask a few of my colleagues to assist me in this endevour of ranking Baseballing teams.

Top 3

On next is a former guest of my show, Zack Stovall.


Mr. Stovall, Could you perhaps give me an indication as to who you expect to do well in this upcoming season of the major league organization.

Zack Stovall: Well Rachel, I like the Cardinals, I really do, they need to sign Pujols BECAUSE HE'S THE BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD. but I'm also worried, because they let go of a personal favorite, The Boog.

Rachel: The Boog?

Zack Stovall: Yes, the Boog, I'm all about the Boog. I love the Boog, need the Boog. I defended the Boog when he put up a rare .740 OPS in 09 and still defended him when
he put up a .573 OPS in 2010 and a BA of .223 with 17 errors, even though his only job was to be awesome in the field and have respectable plate appearances.

Rachel: I see, well how did this Boog vote on the health care bill?

Zack: Well, see the thing is we're not actually sure if he can read, it's not confirmed.

Rachel: I see, so a typical American who does not enjoy the fine writings of Emberto Eco, or James Joyce. Although I am not surprised, so typical of the modern American.

2. Boston Red Sox I decided to broaden my intellectual horizons and embark on this task of ranking professional baseballing teams. And it seems that other fine intellectuals have given their loyalty to this organization. The loyalty, or more specifically this mendacious loyalty, is almost chic, or dare I say hip among other educated learners. It seems that the success of this team may serve as an icebreaker when discussing Machiavellian Politics in late 19th century America.

3. Oakland A's: Being raised in Castro Valley California, I assume it's only proper to root for the local team. I find it somewhat endearing to root for the team which is closest to the city in which you were reared.

Bottom 3

1. New York Yankees. Heh
/Smirk

Well I think we all know about the Yankees.

2. Cleaveland Indians/Atlanta Braves: I find it disheartening that we are still objectifying Native Americans through sports mascots.

3. Pittsburgh Pirates: I have researched their record over the past decade, and it seems only logical to place them in the bottom three teams.

Finally, we have MSNBC's Al Gore's station's Keith Olbermann.

Keith: /Stares into camera 2

As you know, I spent a good deal of time at one of the largest sports media organization ESPN. This, America, means that I know everything. Worse yet, I know I know everything which undoubtedly means I am always right and everyone else is wrong. It is the way of the world. Furthermore, I speak for America. Because I do know all things.

/stares into camera 3

The worst teams in the world.

1. Glenn Beck: I saw the other day on this blog that my "ESTEEEEEEEMED" counterpart Mr. Beck placed the St. Louis Cardinals as one of your top 3 teams. Well, SIIIRRRRR, I think you have once again misled the American people!!! Do you not remember the Tea Baggers, the scum of this great nation, shouting racial epithets and waving guns in front of Children. CHILDREN. You Sirrrrrrrrrr have seem to forgotten the large faction from the Gateway city, the violence and HATE they have SPEWED across our political landscape. YOU SIRRRRRRR are an insult /removes glasses to all Americans everywhere. FURTHERMORE, the Cardinals two prominant figure mr. LaRussa and Mr. Pujols decided to speak at GLENN BECK'S political rally during a trip to Washington. Well YOU SIRRRRRRRS have an obligation to your club, AND YOU have decided that political agenda is more important than the success of your STORIED BALL club, I say the entire organization needs to reevaluate their PRIORITIES.

/Replaces Glasses
2. Glenn Beck: I see the certifiably insane Beck has also chosen to support the Angels of Aneheim. May I remind you SIRRRRRRRR that our founding fathers supported a separation of church and state. Sounds like SOMMMMMMONE needs to read their history books.

3. Washington Nationals: It's laughable that anyone would think the Nationals could actually compete. With the republicans in power Washington is doomed to fail. As a people we asked for change.
/Dramatic pause
THIS is not change. Washington will still suck.

Less worst Teams.

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Fox News bloviart, Glenn Beck, has selected the Dodgers as a bottom 3 team. I wonder if the large latino population that supports the Nation's finest team has anything to do with Mr. Beck's decision. Perhaps you SIRRRRRRRR should reevaluate your ranking criteria, and your SOUL!!!

2. Seattle Mariners: Obviously overlooking the rich history of the Mariners Mr. Beck has failed to recognize the potential of this club. The signings of Japanese players such as Ichiro and Johjima (ed note: Johjima no longer with team, killed me in fantasy) clearly represents the innovation THAT YOU SIRRRRRRRRR DESIRE, the same innovation WE ALL DESIRE.

3. Chicago Cubs: Glenn Beck has decided to riducule the quintessential American team. A team that has struggled recently, much like our great nation.

/removes glasses

You SIRRRRRRR DARE TO DEVALUE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. YOU SIRRRRRRR DARE TO STEP ON OUR VALUES AND MORALS. YOU SIRRRRRRRRRRR DARE TO CONVINCE PEOPLE TO BELIEVE THAT THE CUBS WILL NEVER WIN THE WORLD SERIES IN OUR LIFETIME.

/rubs eyes
//fake emotion

You SIRRRRRRR dare to step on our dream with your perverted interpretation of our country, you DARE to step on our dreams.

(but keep it up because I need material)

H/T John Stewart.

Alright, thanks everyone. Pitchers and catchers on the 14th Enjoy the season.

Oh, you want Cam Newton in your video?

Us the villains, fuck your feelings
While y'all playa hate we in the upper millions
What's the dealing, huh? It's like the SEC's been soft
Ever since Cam came through and crushed the buildings

I'm tryin to restore the feelin, fuck the law keep dealin'
More money, more cash, more chillin
I know they gonna criticize the hook on this song
Like I give a fuck I'm just a crook on this song.

College Park, Georgon took on the world
Shit, I led a life you can write a book on
Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street
Man and I tell ya it'll be the best seller

Money, Cash, Hos

Friday afternoon Fun Bag!!!!

Woooooooooo you losers go ahead ride the school bus, I'll be on the cool bus!!!

God this weekend is going to be great.

First and foremost Icehouse is attending the annual gathering of insufferable fan bases. You may know this as the Red River Shootout/Texas State Fair.

In the interest of Fairness I will present videos embarrassing both fan bases


I posted it before but it needs the Hobbers need to see it again. UT of Course!!!!


Continuing with our wrestling theme, The Bushwackers. Raise your hand if you marched around School like this.


This is a couple weeks old, but it's totally worth watching the whole thing.


I don't plan on seeing "The Social Network" Stovall says it's pretty good. I think this is better.

"The Social Network" Trailer - watch more funny videos

If you haven't had a chance you REALLY need to start watching The League. Comes on right after It's Always Sunny.


Finally, I refuse to like or enjoy anything performed by Jimmy Fallon. However, He has the Roots so that's how I justify posting things by him.


Ok gang, have a good one, stay off the short bus.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Good morning, friends, how is everyone? Icehouse is recovering from a San Antonio adventure that culminated in several hot beers being consumed while stuck in traffic on the interstate.

No, YOU have a problem!

Sorry. Anyways, I'm stepping in for Lattimer on this one. A couple of days ago, ESPN had the following poll:


You know who I'm voting for? NONE OF THE ABOVE!


There's no reason we should be confined to only whoever we get spoonfed. We should be able to choose whoever we want to be the "face" of our favorite sports. But for the purposes of today, let's confine it to fictional characters. We all know that Roy Hobbs is the face of all things awesome in sports, so we'll take him off the board.

My selection? Snake from Escape from L.A. as the face of basketball? What? You don't remember?


That's right. Snake balls out in the LA Coliseum. The pressure's on, and he drains shots. He's as cold as ice dropping them in from 90 feet. And with no depth perception! So there. Fictional character that should be "the face" of a sport.

70% of Americans responded that Quinnipiac just became less sexy

It's official: Cheerleading not a sport.


So basically Quinnipiac tried to give the ole reach around to title IX by removing Volleyball and replacing it with Cheerleading. THEN use the saved revenue to fund dude sports.


Volleyball players get pissed and some legal stuff happens issue ends up in court.


So what does Mr. asshole judge decide to do?

"Competitive cheer may, some time in the future, qualify as a sport under Title IX," Underhill wrote. "Today, however, the activity is still too underdeveloped and disorganized to be treated as offering genuine varsity athletic participation opportunities for students."

Way to cock block asshole.

I think Icehouse sums up this decision best:

Shut up you old robed assholes! We spent decades making these chicks think they were doing something athletic, and now they're just going to throw away their miniskirts!"

My thoughts exactly.

Now, the crooked judge said that in order to become a sport, cheerleading would have to meet specific criteria, like competing and having a governing body. Well of course cheerleaders compete. They made like 10 movies about it. AND Quinnipiac formed their own governing body. It's like...official and stuff. It's just like gymnastics. Kinda.


All this legal mumbo jumbo is making my head hurt, I think we need to bring in GRH's legal analyst Elliot to sort this mess out.

Boobies!!!

I KNOW!!!

Anyway Mr. Fancy Pants may have his standards, but I have my own 100% accurate way to determine if a sport is in fact a sport and deserves to leave club ball and become a part of the pure and majestic pantheon that isf college sports.

Do they compete?


Yes

Do they have uniforms?

YES

Do they meet rigourous academic standards?

Yes

Backflips?

Yes

Do they party?

Yes

Do they haze Freshman

Yes

Do they post things on facebook that would get them in trouble?

Yes

Do they have massive coke parties?

YES

See just like any other college athlete.

Chris and Christy Cooley know a little something about cheerleading. Chris sort this shit out.

/Looks at wife
"Oh yeah it's totally a sport"

Gah, whats the problem. It's even Co-ed. I think it's fairly obvious that cheerleading is in fact a sport and this judge has done nothing short of pushing Women's Rights movement back 50 years. What are the cheerleaders supposed to do now? Just stand there and look sexy?

But here's the thing. Quinnipiac started by doing something cool, but now they're going to take their ball and run to their unsexy home.

School officials responded to the ruling by saying they would start a women's rugby team

This is an OUTRAGE!!!

We can't take this lying down. We need to fight for the right to cheer (officially).

I ask you Hobbers who will cheer for the cheerleaders?

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

It's the reason we watch games that we have no vested interest in. The threat of the upset.

This weekend, like many in March Madness, had a lot of upsets. Kansas: done. New Mexico: done. I really don't have any sympathy when people are all 'WAH WAH WAH MY BRACKET'S FUCKED!' Suck shit you whiner. This happens every year. Your bracket was not perfect last year. It won't be perfect next year. Shut the fuck up.

So for today's Shit Storm, I want to know your favorite upset in history. Which one was the most poignant to you? What about the most impressive? The most shocking? Lay it on me.

For me, the answer is quite simple. You see, I'm a bit of a Longhorn homer. All throughout 2005, Texas had to run the fucking gauntlet while the worldwide follower heaped giant stinking piles of fellatio on USC. The weeks leading up to the game, the same media outlet crammed down our throats the concept that this was the greatest college football team of all time.

They even got to play a home game for the National Championship. How wack is that? But Icehouse was there. I was one of the few in burnt orange that knew that you have to play the football game to win the football game. And the rest, as they say, is history.


Greatest all-time upset. Shit Storm go.

GRH Exclusive: True, Southern Patriot Congratulates USA's Evan Lysacek

This was found in the GRH Mailroom on our fax machine. We can only assume its veridity enough to publish it, having checked with other media sources who received the same message, and leave it to you, the discerning reader, to determine its genuine authenticity. Read on and thank you.

-The Ghost of Roy Hobbs

USA! USA! USA! USA! Hooooooboy! We got us a MASSACRE here, boy I will tell you what! We ain't even half way through these here O-Limpics up there 'round Canadia and already we're moppin' the floor with these other sumbitches! We got more metals [sic.] than Pittsburgh, baby! USA! USA! USA!

And we gotta give credit where credit is due. That belle of a woman Lindsey Vonn sucked it up like a man and skiied on that bad leggahers. That red-headed stepsister won at the halfpipe, like she's done over and over again, and against the menfolk! Well-done and bravo.

But even in the sissiest of "sports" has the flag of our fathers reigned soupreem [sic.]. I'm talking about...

(/accidently swallows mouthful of Skoal)

...men's figure skating.

I ain't never watched it before. I don't ever plan on watching it. That's for them people who float around and dance around like this right here (/jumps around oddly with wrists unfettered), not for me and not for most Amuricans. We like meat and potatoes. We like our trucks and four-wheelers. We like George Strait and we think that homewreckin' Keith Urban can make out with that Adam Lambert all he wants to in the presence of the Devil in his den in hell. Not for me, thank ye kindly.

But I'll be derned. This Evan Lysacek (I think it's pronounced like Licorice, like Twizzlers) gone and won for the US of A. How 'bout that. Bout time he did something meaningful for his country, I guess. I don't know. I didn't watch it.

I didn't watch one minute of his what-I-heard was a flawless performance; a dextrous combination of athletic prowess and regal grace. Not once was my television tuned to his masterful 6'2" frame, gliding through the air like an angel that done falled from heaven to say hey to us humans on Earth. I didn't see him stick every landing with the authority of a grown man commanding the Earth beneath him.

(/wipes drool off chin)

I think I was watching an episode of 'Reba' or something. Tammy's got a few of them reruns taped, so we watch it most nights.

Not saying I wouldn't have liked to have seen the Twizzler boy whip up on that ole Ruskie. From what I saw heard, he was walking in like the skatin' court the Hotel Del Queero and he was the pro-pry-etor [sic.]. Figures as much. You know what they say about them fairy Russians...gotta keep warm somehow! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHAWWWWWWGawh!

I was just happy to see one of them godless, sinful communist bastards git theirs. Heard he came back just for the gold medal, now safely in Amurica, where it belongs. Got nothing against him, the homo, and I hope he finds Jesus through this tragedy ah-his. Hate the sin, not the sinnin' queer, to quote my mama.

Too bad I didn't watch the whoopin, Lysacek threw down on him.

(/tobacco falls out of mouth, down shirt, to floor, arms fall to his side)

Maybe I would have half-way enjoyed the show. Maybe I could have actually stomached the way he masterfully skated along the ice with the precision of a vernerable brain surgeon; slicing and cutting his patient, the ice, with the tender care of a loving father. Hell, I mighta been able to sit through his routine, as his body moved with both the viscosity and purpose of liquid hot magma spouting from a volcano atop Mount Olympus, gleefully scaring all those who come into its contact with the happy memory of a performance so wonderfully demonstrated with the ease - yet strength - of a world class athlete; a portrait willfully etched into all who purveyed it for all time. Maybe I could sat comfortably instead of with my legs all bunched up, or even stand up knocking over my Dr. Pepper and my Bud Light, as he danced, in the truest form of the word, he danced to Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade, reflecting each note with a concordant move; as if the two were born of the same womb, destined to be paired together. And as the sinews of his quadracepts, torso and mighty shoulders melted together with the rest of his brut frame, losing all sense of individulity, rather becoming one mass, one energy, one synergy in lockstep with the rest of this beautiful thing we call the Universe, climaxing to a point in which every living soul and creature turned toward the rink, which was its epicenter and acknowledged "You are Supreme," maybe...

...uh, maybe I wouldn't have thought it was all THAT bad. Maybe chant "USA!" a coupla times. But I really. Can't stand that sissy crap. Not one bit.

(/adjusts pants, oversized belt-buckle)

So, uh, congrats Mon-sewer [sic: Monsieur] Lick-o-rish. USA? All the way!




I'm not gay.

Warmest Regards,

Danny Joe Hampel, Jr.
Goose Bucket, Alabama

Hablamos de la Liga de Fútbol Nacional!

We've been talking about CFB lately, and we'll talk more as I collect my BCS thoughts. However I think it's time we talk a little NFL football.

I don't know if you noticed, but this month is NFL Hispanic Heritage Month. If you watched MNF last night you MIGHT have picked up on it with Anthony singing the National Anthem, Estefan doing "Are you ready for some football" with Hank Williams Junior. (I bet he wants to spit some beechnut in that producer dude's eye...cause a country boy can survive) You also may have noticed that Mark Sanchez is indeed a Mexican-American, and the first penalty was announced in Spanish. Again, you had to look closely, but it was there.

In all seriousness, I think it's cool that the NFL is trying to expand their product. The picture above shows the Mexican U-19 national team that competed in the IFAF world championships this summer. They finished in 4th behind Japan, (Japan has a baller team) Canada, and the U.S.A MOTHER FUCKERS!!!. I watched a couple of games and the international quality of American football is much better than I expected. They showed a shot in Mexico City where groups gather every week in movie theaters to watch MNF, and you know what, I think that's cool. Hell I even like having a regular season game in London, and in the future Mexico City. However I will go all Pat Buchanon when the Ginger Overlord talks about having the Super Bowl outside of the U.S.A. FIRST THEY TAKE OUR JEEEERBS NOW THEY'RE TAKIN OUR FOOTBAWWWWWW.

I interviewed GRH Hispanic heritage expert, Icehouse, about his thoughts.
"we gave Hispanics a pretty sweet month

October is nice

not too hot

has football

halloween."

October is also breast cancer awareness month, as you can tell by all the NFL standard issue pink flare. I went to the Iggles game this past Sunday and the NFL is doing a pretty good job with this. I've had family members affected by this disease and it's comforting to know that some of my $5,000 12 oz. will go to a good cause.

Ok now on to the teams.

Giants-Vikings-Colts-Saints: In my mind these are the four best teams in the NFL right now. The Giants and Saints are going to throw down next Sunday at 1:00 EST. (FACK, why can't we have flex scheduling the entire year) The giants have looked strong, but a lot of that comes from the weak schedule they've had. However in all fairness they've dominated those teams, sans Dallas. NOLA on the other hand has played the Iggles and Jets. Everyone wants to talk about Drew Brees and the offense. They are doing well, make no mistake, but the big surprise is the Saints defense completely pwning people week in and week out. I'll give the advantage to the Saints.

In other news, Pey Pey is still good.

Everyone is blowing Brittfar, but C'mon, they were a solid team with T-Jack behind center.

In other news, I can't stand Brittfar.

Naturally we have a lot of teams bunched in the middle. I'll go ahead and say that I think the Iggles, Pats, and Jets have the best shot at the playoffs. Pats and Jets have run into some good teams. The Iggles have been passing the ball well, but watch out if they ever get that running game going.

I could include the Bears in this segment, but they have a pretty hard schedule coming up so who knows how they will eventually turn out. Same could be said for Atlanta.

One team that I THINK could emerge is Pittsburgh. They have a decent schedule and the running game should pick up.

Two surprise teams: Tennessee and Denver. The Titans have completely blown every game they've played in. Sure, they were competitive in several games, but GD that defense blows. NFL blowhards will point to the departure of Albert Haynesworth, but I think it has to do more with the Jim Schwartz heading off to the Lions. Denver on the other hand seems to keep pulling shit out of their ass through five weeks. However, the schedule gets significantly harder in the coming weeks, so we shall see what boy wonder and the town drunk are made of.

Finally we have the WORST team in the NFL. This Honor goes to the St. Louis Rams. For real, they suck hard, real hard.

For those of you who care, Stovall and Harem of Men( our only girl...besides pope and early favorite for team name award) are leading the GRH fantasy league (undefeated). Stovall, however, did not draft so take that for what it's worth.

Point/Counterpoint on Michael Oher biopic 'The Blind Side'

Stovall: The trailer for the new film The Blind Side has been released. It stars Sandra Bullock and a litany of other actors.

Icehouse: Based on the book by Michael Lewis of the same name, it appears to be some director's attempt to piggyback the next big thing, which is apparently anything Michael Lewis does (even though Moneyball just got axed).

Stovall: It's the compelling story of a large, socially offputting African-American boy and his struggles on the street. Just spitballing here, but I think he goes to Ole Miss, wrecks house, and gets drafted in the first round, now able to buy thousands and thousands of the beds he could never have afforded growing up.

Icehouse: The book begins with an explanation of the psyches of adults that grew up in unfortunate circumstance. This discussion is based on fears that these men probably did not encounter while devoid of a normal childhood. It then shifts to explain recent trend in the NFL landscape to value defensive ends, and therefore their counterparts, offensive tackles. Essentially, the tackle must counteract the end, thus protecting the quarterback's blindside. Get it? Football begets football in the book.

Apparently, The beginning of this movie is a platinum-bleached half-assed mom who won't clean up after her kids and can't cook for shit.

Stovall: It looks uplifting enough. Maybe not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure this might affect some people in a positive way, like Remember the Titans, or Lucas.

Icehouse: They used "How to save a life" by The Fray in their trailer. How lame can you possibly be? They waited for something to be so played out that it is featured on Scrubs, then wait three years, THEN puts it into their movie trailer.

Stovall: I'm not concerned with Sandra Bullock being the star of a film about football. She's a more than capable actress, and pretty easy on the eye's as well. Joan Rivers would be one thing, Meg Ryan even, but I have to think that the romantic interest of Speed could handle the wear and tear of the gridiron.

Icehouse: Bullock's character is a strong person in the book. A central character? Maybe. But this is about how NCAA recruiting has become a business of tracking in human flesh. The coaches see nothing but an enormous prototype that is light on his feet. The entire family (not just the mom, but the younger son and teenage daughter) get to learn Mike Oher's humanity in the process of the journey to stardom.

Stovall: It'll be interesting to see the racial complexities of such a story. Social stigmas being what they are, I think it could translate very well to numerous audiences.

Icehouse: This movie could be an exploration into the problems and inequalities making current conditions and 'stigmas' the way they are. It could bring people together. Instead I think I'm looking at "suburbanite woman's life becomes complete when she finally earns the respect of the country club." It makes me want to vomit.

Stovall: And plus, I love me some football crashes. They big time booms to ever tackle to make it seem harder. When I walked past Gridiron Gang, starring the Rock (want to make it very clear, I walked by, did not go in), it sounded like Pearl Harbor.

Icehouse: Oh, there's football in this movie? That's funny. I didn't notice. I DID see Sandra Bullock on a field surrounded by boys in football pads. HOW FUCKING INTENSE COULD THAT PRACTICE BE?!

Stovall: I'll be very interested to see this film.

Icehouse: I'm currently stockpiling fertilizer, and am planning on driving a Uhaul full of the stuff, fermented into bomb-quality, into the studio on the day of this piece of shit's release. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YOU!

All-Star Break

Well it's that time of year in the MLB season. Yes the time where some veterans show up and go through the motions, and others soak in every second because it may be the only time they will be introduced as an All Star. Personally I think the MLB version is the best out of them all. It's probably a combination of the fact that it's in the middle of the season, you have a home run derby, and July may be the slowest month in American sports.

Last night was the home run derby, which is still one of my favorite novelties and pro sports. It was also special to me because it was in the STL and it's always fun to watch taters in a stadium you've sat in. Prince Fielder ended up winning in the end, showing surprisingly great stamina for a guy who is a vegetarian. Fielder didn't put up an insane number like Hamilton or Abreu, but his total of 23 will go overlooked.

Chris Berman has pushed me to the breaking point. When I was younger he was only slightly annoying with his back back back schtick, and his name/nickname/name deal was never funny and it never will be. Later he was just too over the top. "That ball is on it's way to Latrobe!!!" Way to look at google maps jackass. But last night it was all about Boomer. I don't know what happened, at least when he was over the top the coverage actually focused on the derby. Last night it was just sick. Nelson Cruz hit some effing shots in the first round. One of which landed above Big Mac land, and personally it was the longest I've seen in that stadium. But while Cruz is on a tear, Berman is just bumbling on. It was the first time I actually muted an event and put on my headphones.

As a Cardinals fan El Hombre is awesome even when he loses. In fact he was perfect. He didn't hurt himself, or change his swing and he lasted long enough to keep the fans happy. Well done Albert.

Before I get on the rambling I'll talk very briefly about the actual game tonight. I still don't understand why MLB needs to "make these count." I could go on about how stupid it is to let an all star game decide home field advantage, but Hobbers are smarter than that. I actually think since the game matters it takes away from the entertainment. Imagine this. First inning, and Ichiro gets on base. Yadi, the best defensive catcher in the league is behind the plate. Jeter is up to bat with no outs. Normally you don't steal in this situation, but Ichiro decides he's going to go for it. Badass. Yes? it would only be better if Crawford led off, but you get my point. I think watching Lincecum pitch to Mauer in the first is good enough for me. I really don't need things to "matter."

Now on to a typical Lattimer rant. Icehouse made an interesting observation last night. We have a home run derby in STL and we only get two mentions of McGwire. Naturally this has to do with steroids, and more recently the righteous indignation of certain ass hats that think they are the moral compass for all fans. Hey Plaschke I think more people can't stand you over Manny because you are trying to tell them how the hell they should act. People don't want to hear it, but steroids saved baseball. Oh yes I cheered during the race of 98 and guys like Plaschke soaked it all in. And you know what? I loved it. I loved Mark and Sammy, and I still do because as a fan that summer may be one of the best. I still remember everyone having a 62 markdown calender in their house and calling to notify that Sammy was coming up to bat. Sure we want everyone to be the best. We cheer them when knock balls out of the park, and we curse TV's when they hit into a double play. So what now when they take something to hit it out of the park? Boo? What about all the "greats" who popped greenies all these years. Should I start hating every player from the 1950's on? And better yet, who exactly did these drugs hurt? As opposed to Stallworth's car?

I'll ask some questions. Who has ever used something to enhance their performance? Who has used some ADD drug to nail that research paper? Who intentionally held in football? Fake a foul in basketball? Would you take a drug to make you one of the best in your industry, especially if it meant millions of dollars? And just for you Plaschke. Tweek that quote just a bit to make that Sunday column really hit home?

I don't know the answers, and I really don't care. Not my business. All I'm saying is that in American sports we ask literally everyone who participates to be the best they can be. To win. Yet we're supposed to hate them when they don't do it the right way?

Trust me, I see all sides of this. I get the "play by the rules", I get the "what about the kids" and I really get the "what about the guy who played by the rules." However, I don't get some guy telling me, the fan, the guy who shells out hundreds of dollars each year to watch/support my team, telling me how to act. Guess what. When Mike Vick comes back I'm going to cheer my ass off, I like Mike, and that's my right. MLB, get over yourself, celebrate the past right or wrong.

Zach Randolph's HELLACRUNK To-do List

Zach Randolph's coming to Memphis has elicited a range of responses. Icehouse's was similar to Stephon Marbury, when Z-Bo was traded to the Knicks. Icehouse took to the streets screaming, "WE GOT ZACH RANDOLPH, Y'ALL!" Booker Pogue, on the other hand, began boarding up his windows. Either way, moving can be a hassle, and we ran across Zach's to-do list upon moving to Bluff City. Without further ado, we give you....
Z-BO'S HELLACRUNK TO-DO LIST

-Open Tops BBQ franchise.

-Update shipping/delivery address w/ Wall Street Journal, Forbes, & Cat Fancy.

-Find owner of meanest dog in area, challenge him to a duel.

-Airboat race against Gucci Mane, 8Ball, MJG, and Computer from the boat ramp at Mud Island to the riverboat casinos at Tunica. Yo Gotti is referee.

-Rob liquor store, throw party with proceeds/booty.

-Dig moat around new house in Southwind; fill moat with saltwater crocodiles and leopards purchased from bankrupt australian zoo.

-Ride bicycle dressed in tank top and flip flops with socks.

-Stand on bank of Mississippi, shout at Arkansas

-Purchase pyramid, rename CRNKAMID.

-Run for mayor

-Set OJ Mayo's house on fire.

-Purchase Rosetta Stone tapes, learn Spanish, tell Marc Gasol that he will be shot for every instance that he shoots with Zach on the floor.

-Shop at Kroger on Poplar and Cleveland.

-Eat the Sasquatch Burger.

-Look up who has the vanity plate "ZBOCRNK," kill him.

-Shop at flea market.

-a) Determine name of current coach (assuming there is one)

b) Shoot a rap video at said coach's place of residence

c) Start fire in garage of residence

d) Flee scene, deny deny deny

-Solemnly visit Civil Rights Museum, steal hubcaps off Booker Pogue’s car parked directly across the street. Offer to sell back to Booker Pogue. Act offended at rejection of said offer, claim racism.

-Eat at Pirtles; Start fire in bathroom; Flee scene; Deny, deny, deny.

-Get plastered at Wet Willies, drive home.

-Call a cab, steal said cab.

-Compete in Saturday morning's "Memphis Wrestling."

-Develop craving for ribs, slaughter own pig.

-Stand on street corner for an inordinate amount of time.

-Open a barber shop, dry cleaners, strip club, coin laundry, auto-repair shop. Begin to launder money.

-Visit graceland, improve hubcap collection tenfold, move into Graceland.

-Attend service at Al Green's church.

-Burn tires.

-Host a town-hall forum discussion on living a CRNK lifestyle: "Healthy Living, the CRNK Way, featuring Zachary Randolph"

-Liberate Desoto, Mississippi.

-Shoot skeet off the Peabody roof.

-Run trout line spanning entire Mississippi river.

-Get internship with accounting department of Piggly Wiggly.

-Challenge AC Wharton to a game of scrabble; game suspended following disagreement over "use of fake words".

-Make 1,000 airbrushed shirts.

-Steal Joey Dorsey's bitch.

-Drive to Missouri, buy souvenir on state line, drive home.

-About a half gram of coke on the 3rd floor of 152 aka Club Shadows.

-Shoot airballs.

-Buy above-ground pool and slip n' slide.

-Emcee a charity event headlined by Trick Daddy; $5 cover w/ free hotwings after the show.

-Force Memphis City Schools to ban headbands on school grounds, "FO STEALIN' MY GRIND.”

-Punch Steven Seagal in the mouth, let hoops family deal with the consequences.

-Turn Rudy Gay gay.

-Release howler monkeys from Memphis City Zoo.

GRH Acquires the BETcats

Billionaire and BET Founder Robert L. Johnson is selling the Charlotte Bobcats, because vinegar-based barbecue sauce is horrible. Or because North Carolina's a dump. Or he's sick of Duke fans. Or something, I don't know.

Anyways, the Ghost of Roy Hobbs has acquired the erstwhile franchise, as well as the rights to 106 & Park. What are we planning on doing with this scrappy band of up-and-comers? Well, we've got a few ideas.

-Lattimer is given an airhorn rigged to sound like the scream of a bobcat.

-Free admission to all fans wearing cowboy boots, boxers, aviators, and nothing else.

-Emeka Okafor will be player/CFO.

-Pat Summitt is head coach. Reasoning: The one thing every NBA fan can agree on is the importance of solid fundamentals. She will be forced to wear corn rows and show a little chest, after she shaves it. She is also the one woman in the world that can withstand a Ruben Patterson attack.

-Ruben Patterson is assistant coach.

-Blackjack consoles fold out of the seats in front of you; all major credit cards accepted. First five beers free. That'll make a 30pt ass-a-stompin from lebron go down a little easier. If you're gaming you get a free shot every time Emeka gets dunked on. Why has no-one thought of this?

-Your ticket stub of a home win will be redeemable for one tattoo at any area tattoo parlor. The catch is that it must be the same as one of Gerald Wallace's.

-It will be first NBA team headquartered on an Indian reservation or military base. Any tailgating that involves automatic weapon fire is a good idea. The early favorite is Zack Stovall's birthplace, Camp LeJune.

-If DJ Augustine breaks ten assists in a game, everyone gets a free hampster

-Charlotte Bobcats will now be known as the "Naval Air Station Pensacola TurboDawgs.” 18 to enter, 21 to Party.

-Iron Chef-style cooking reality show where Sean May is the judge.

-"Thursday night is amateur night in Club Swamp Rocket, so ladies, work on those moves; First place gets a date with Vladimir Radmanovic.”

-Spitoons.

-Crepe-eating contest against Boris Diaw.

-Sweepstakes contest to re-name Alexis Ajinca to something that sounds less communist. [Ed’s note: I have no idea why this happens to Alexis and not VladRad]

-Five lucky fans take on Raja Bell in those sumo wrestling suits. At the same time.

-Halftime cage matches with the WWF stars of yesteryear.

-Go kart racing around the club level.

-Instead of a blimp dropping coupons for wings at Chili's we'll eliminate the middle man and just drop the wings.

-Jetpack beer vendors.

-After every win (home or away), a pack of bobcats is released onto the court. My plan ends there, which is exactly where the hilarity begins.

-Free nipple piercing on Tier 3.

-Pay $1 to have Nazr Mohammad guess your weight and age.

-Pay $1 to guess Juwan Howard's weight and age.

-Test your paintball accuracy by unloading 50 rounds at the bound and gagged Rhythm Cats.

-The Rally Cats will be fired. As acting CFO, Emeka Okafor will do the firing. Icehouse will be present with a Polaroid camera, so he can shout, “ha! this is how sad you looked! I can't believe this shitty gig is all you had in your life! Now, get your ugly ass off my property." Lattimer gets to fire Rally Cat Joe.

-After every home loss, season ticket holders get three throws with the Managing Member of Basketball Operations in a dunking booth.

-"Time Warner Cable Arena" will be changed to "Abortion Clinic brought to you by the unbelievably shitty service that Time Warner Cable provides." We will eliminate one word for every service quality tier that they accomplish.

-The Rufus Room is about to become a strip club. "Eddie House" will be added to Rufus' Pet Peeves. “Anything by Petey Pablo” will replace all of Rufus’ favorite songs. Rufus will have a giant, inflatable counterpart.

-DeSagana Diop will personally greet every fan that enters the stadium with, “Welcome to the Bobcats game. I love you."

Monday Morning S--t Storm

I was going to do something serious, but I'm just having so much fun right now.

Icehouse's point/counterpoint had me rolling this weekend and I feel like we need to explore this topic a little more.

What's the topic you ask?

Goofy and gooberific athletes.

You know the ones that make you laugh, and question why are they playing.

My Pick:
Ok this took a long time, there are just so many choices, and believe me I'm still questioning myself right now.


"What's that you say Mrs. Robinson? Joltin Joe has left and gone away? (hey hey hey)

The reasons for Dimaggio?

Well Joe batted .325 over his career, banged out 361 homers (and probably would've had more if not for the war in the middle of his career and the large vacuum that was Yankee stadium's left field.) He was also considered the best 5 tool player, and he still holds the hitting steak record at 56, which I'm afraid to say, will not be broken in our lifetime.

Ohhhhh and he married Marilyn Monroe.

So for all you young hobbers out there remember this: As long as you can ball and make lots of money, nobody will care about anything else.

let's light this fire.

Begin

What is Vlade Divac doing?

Vlade dodi, he likes to party. He don't cause trouble, he don't bother nobody.

So a couple of weeks ago, I was wondering, "what the hell Vlade Divac was doing?" I've since learned he was filming a Taco Bell commercial.

Anyways, I started thinking to myself what could Vlade Divac be doing? I had some rational, if hilarious ideas at first, such as: Vlade Divac coaching the Croatian Women's National Team, or sideline reporting in Kiev. Funny ideas, but for some reason my thinking devolved into what I would like to see Vlade Divac do.

Recently, Old Booker Pogue and I brainstormed some mental images of Vlade Divac that will live with us forever.

-Moonwalk
-Handstand

-box tanya harding

-Fire two pistols at the same time
-intern in Marshawn's Crunk/Stank lab
-ride a giant zipline and do a cannonball into a lake

-sumo wrestle (fake fat suits) against bill cowher or mike leach

-shine shoes

-wreck a zamboni

-toss pizza dough. that would be huge

-put out a fire with a fire hose

-race an ostrich? Please.
box an ostrich?
lasso an ostrich and ride it

-waltz a kangaroo.
-harpoon moby dick

-Fight a giant squid with his bare hands, and knife in teeth

-scoop shit at a petting zoo

-reject a young basketball player's layup at the special olympics.
-enter a 3-legged race with wee man of jackass fame

-operate a jackhammer

-defeat ted nugent in paintball.

-Fight Kareem Abdul-Jabar in a remake of the final scene of Game of Death

-convince asia to lose the chopsticks and get on board with forks (they're just easier)
-reconcile the differences between dogs and cats (abraham simpson reference)

-whack snakes with a club.

-beat jimmy carter in arm wrestling before the screaming masses at MSG

-shoot an eskimo shooting a whale eating a dolphin. total catch 22.

-Run the ball on a 32 counter smash for the Titans

-suit up with a straight face in a wnba game
-deliver me a pizza. with corporate polo and ballcap.
-Write, direct, and act in Space Jam 2: Village of the Jammed
we will also accept, "Space Jam 2: Logjammin'"

-give gandhi a bloody nose
which gandhi? The one that died in 1947, or his granddaughter that runs India today?

-I'd like to see CBS drop Katie Couric for Vlade.
and then hear every reaction in mississippi and south carolina.

-Vlade whiddle
-play a slide trombone
or a washboard in a jug band while wearing overalls and a straw hat.
-race a pig at the state fair

-I want to see Vlade surf the big waves at Pea'hi, North Shore of Oahu


-I want to see him drop kick a koala, get swarmed by all of PETA, ALL of them at once, and then overcome, a la ving rhames in mars attacks.

-I want to see him be the wedge-buster on a kickoff in the NFL


-smoke weed with michael phelps
-photo bomb paris hilton with the shocker

-Chicken fight with michael phelps on his shoulders vs. Daryl Dawkins and Usain Bolt
-Motocross

-debunk, in a classroom lecure, sweatervest on, marshawn's proof that it don't get no better than solid.

-have a conversation with Marshawn Lynch
-rappel down the face of a tall building

Debate Willie Herenton

If you can think of a better thing Vlade Divac could be doing, drop it into the comments section. Hell, we might even put your name in the running for our inaugural "GRH MVP" T-Shirt contest (more news on that later. Tell your friends).

T.W at the Super Bowl.

Many of the writers on this blog were friends with this one guy in college. His name is T.W Samuels. While we all had some great memories many of us have moved on with our Lives. T.W, however, likes the college lifestyle, and travels around the country crashing at various homes. Last night at 3:00 am I received a phone call from an unknown number. My phone was silent so a message was left. (apparently the result of an accidental dial) The following is a transcript of that message.

Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.
/Beep

/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)

Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.


Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.

Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.


T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!

Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.

T.W: Haha open wide!!!

/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.

Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.

Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.

T.W: Matt...how did you watch the telecast?

Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.

T.W: ...

Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?

T.W: Losing the game?

Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.

T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...

Matt: Another drink!!!

/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.

Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...

/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.

T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...

/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.

Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!

(In a soft insightful voice)


Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?

Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.

Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...

Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.

Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.

/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.

Matt: DAMN YOU TROY!!!!

/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.

T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.

/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.

T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!


Matt: Phelpsie!!!

Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths

T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!

Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.

T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.

Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.

Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.

T.W: So Michael wha....

Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.

T.W: Yeah lets get the...

Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.

T.W: Haha yeah lets...

Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.

/Random Steelers fan enters.

Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974

T.W: More like '05 but whatever.

Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.


Phelps: I got your sixth bra.

T.W: Guys?

Dudes?

Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.

I'm going to go blackout now.

Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....

/presses 7