Monday, February 2, 2009

T.W at the Super Bowl.

Many of the writers on this blog were friends with this one guy in college. His name is T.W Samuels. While we all had some great memories many of us have moved on with our Lives. T.W, however, likes the college lifestyle, and travels around the country crashing at various homes. Last night at 3:00 am I received a phone call from an unknown number. My phone was silent so a message was left. (apparently the result of an accidental dial) The following is a transcript of that message.

Robo phone lady: You have 1 new message, first unheard message.

/muffled background noise.
(Night Club in Tampa)

Matt Leinart: BRAH!!!!!!! Man this Superbowl shit is CRAZY, so much better than the BCS. God, we need to do this every year.

Unkown voice: MATTY!!!! MATTY!!!! DUUUUUUDE this is great, we need to hang out more often.

Matt: Yeah man, hey thanks T.W for putting me on the list for your dad's Superbowl party.

T.W: No problem dude, I mean Playboy canceled their party, and so I was like "Hey dad lets throw a Superbowl party in Tampa." And he was all like, "If I do this will you finally get your life together?" And I was all like, "Oh sure thing dad , I'll send in that MBA application tomorrow." And he was all like, "Ok I'll see what I can do." Funny thing is, the deadline was LAST WEEK!!! Jokes on him, AM I RIGHT!!!

Matt: Totally dude, totally. Hey lets get a drink.

T.W: Haha open wide!!!

/Matt opens mouth, T.W tips self over, pours self in Leinart's mouth, proceeds to drink self.

Matt: Oh my god.
/Dry heaves
That is the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

T.W: Yeah man, I may be bottom shelf in taste, but I party top shelf.

Matt: Cool, so what did you think of the commercials? I thought the Boss had a decent half time show.

T.W: did you watch the telecast?

Matt: Oh dude, I got this free mini TV from some Superbowl bullshit, I pretty much watched the whole thing, also got to watch The Office in the locker room, but it sucked because every once and a while I'd have to get up and high-five Kurt or Larry. But other than that it was pretty sweet.

T.W: ...

Matt: But you know the worst part of the Superbowl?

T.W: Losing the game?

Matt: Ha, I could care less about that, no the worst part are these Tampa chicks. They are nothing compared to those Tempe girls.

T.W: Yeah, I really don't care either way...

Matt: Another drink!!!

/T.W pours self into Matt's mouth, chugs self.

Matt: Oh my god...blah...oh shi...

/Matt vomits on floor revealing a cigarette butt within the bodily fluids.

T.W: Oh man when someone else yacks I...

/T.W projectile vomits covering a female patron's shoe.

Matt: AHHHH T.W!!!!

(In a soft insightful voice)

Troy: Hey Matt are you ok?

Matt: Yeah Troy, I'm fine. Good game.

Troy: Thank you Matthew, the competitiveness of our game inspired me, it was truly great to...

Matt: Shut up Troy, your just bragging because coach Carroll gave you a shout out on his twitter page without mentioning me.

Troy: You have a kind spirit Matthew.

/Inflatable football decoration falls from ceiling, Troy picks up football, weaves through patrons, runs into the Tampa night.


/Matt Throws glass into corner of the bar, Santonio Holmes appears screaming "got that pandemic", extends arms, catches glass, taps both toes to stay in the bar.

T.W: Alright dude let's hit the beers for a while. Hey bartender throw me a cold one.

/Bartender throws beer, Larry Fitzgerald appears, catches beer, splits the bouncers, runs 64 yards untouched.

T.W: Hey Michael Phelps!!!

Matt: Phelpsie!!!

Phelps: Hey whaths up guyths

T.W: Nothin much man, just cruisin for the ladies. AM I RIGHT!!!

Phelps: Seriousthly man I've gotten stho much assth this weekend.

T.W: Sorry to hear about that photo thing.

Matt: Bra don't worry about that, I had a bad photo of me bonging some Tempe trash, it was no big deal, you're gold.

Phelps: I know dude, Gold timesth eight.

T.W: So Michael wha....

Phelps: Thisth party sucks letsth get the hell out of here.

T.W: Yeah lets get the...

Matt: Totally dude, but lets get some honey grahams before we roll.

T.W: Haha yeah lets...

Phelps: Stheriousthly dude letsth tag em and bag em.

/Random Steelers fan enters.

Steeler fan: WOOOOO, Champs!!! Fan since 1974

T.W: More like '05 but whatever.

Matt: Phelpsie, bogies 10 o'clock high.

Phelps: I got your sixth bra.

T.W: Guys?


Shit, who cares, for the first time in my life I feel like the least douchiest guy in the bar.

I'm going to go blackout now.

Robo Phone lady: End of messages, to delete this message press 7, to save it in the archives press 9, to hear more options....

/presses 7


  1. Can we get the "phelps is a douche" tag?

  2. he's token a RooR though...that's a fine way to breath smoke

  3. "Can we get the "phelps is a douche" tag?"

    Ask and you shall receive.

  4. in that case...Can we get a "Phelps loves to smoke man bong" tag?