If you like A Clockwork Orange, you’re a f*cking weirdo.

Every once in a while, the spirit of this fair experiment manifests itself to us. Normally he's pissed about something. This is an account of one of those supernatural experiences.

I just… I just have to get this off my chest.

Every time I walk into some fucking hipster joint, like an indie movie store or a sous chef’s apartment, there’s a fucking Clockwork Orange poster.

So I said fuck it, I’ll give this thing a whirl, see where it takes me. I read the book first. It sucked. The main character’s running around hopped up on milk, raping and pillaging a bunch of worthless chumps, while acting like quite the yankee doodle dandy-queer that he is. This guy that wrote it, Anthony Burgess, is a complete failure other than this “visionary” [makes quotation mark hand gestures] piece of shit. People were telling me, “But Roy, he invented new slang.” Fuck yourself with that. That means I have to read a whole bunch of shit like “rooker,” “gob” and other goddamn atrocities to the king’s English. Everything is “malenky” and “real horrorshow, my brother.” Pfft. Not like the shit I hear these days. Calling someone a ‘douchebag’? That’s gross enough for me to go up somebody’s head with a corked bat.

So I gave that a shot, and it didn’t pay off. But I thought, maybe, just maybe the movie is somehow better, and I put it on my Netflix queue. I’m telling ya fella, big fucking mistake. Now, not only do I have to look at this mascara’d piece of fop, I’ve gotta hear him say all these stupid made up words. Fuck me, this was worse than being gutshot, and THAT’S BAD. Not only that, but the gayest future ever envisioned is now fully frontal with its balls on my chin. Shit! There’s phallic shit all over the screen! It’s awful. I can’t believe people respect this goddamn thing. [eyes sink to the floor, head shakes]

The fight scenes kind of cracked me up, because these people I was hating got their asses kicked. At one point in time, they show these Dorthies walking like badasses in slow motion, and then BAM! JIMMY CLUB TO THE CODPIECE!

So next time you see a skinny jeans-wearing square-rimmed glasses jackass with “A Clockwork Orange” on his wall, give ‘em a Wonderboy in the codpiece for ol’ Roy here.

...

...and tell him Bjork sucks.