Monday, February 9, 2009

Bawston Fans Elated at Ensuing Mayhem

Why yes, Saturday was a fine day. I had a meeting where I got to smoke a cigar, a bought some blue jeans, got a haircut, and had evening drinks with old friends from years past, bantering back and forth about the good old days and the good new days ahead.

The same could not be said for Mr. Alex "YOU SACK (suck)!" Rodriguez.

In a leak from a supposedly-confidential 2003 screening, Rodriguez was one of 104 major leaguers to test positive for steroids, he himself testing positively for two anabolic steroids, which is a terrible faux pas these days. The name of the heir-apparent King of Swing now lie in ruins in a back alley in Queens.

In an unrelated incident, Seamus O'Learrigan, one of the individuals who worked for the nursing staff that conducted the urine testing, was given the key to the city of Boston for a week.

It is still unknown from whence the leak about A-Rod came, and the MLB Players' Union is still investigating.

But this incident has unveiled a beast even more treacherous that that of the Steroids Era in baseball, the Gambling Referee Era in basketball, or the Trent Dilfer Era in football: Legitimizing the claims of Joe Homah Bawston fans.

Turning a deaf ear to mindless Homerisms has become a statewide past time in Arkansas. Despite how terrible the team may be or how vaunted the opponent, the knuckle-dragging booger-eaters that comprise the evening sports radio show racket still attempt to logically plot out victory for the often hapless Razorbacks. "Hogs are playing the Steelers? Pittsburgh? Welp, I thank Darren McFadden gon' run for 'bout fiftyhundredandeleven yard, run back a kick-off punt, throw a touchdown pass, and average 4.8 sacks this here game," you know, very educated discourse.

New England protestations are similar. "If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!" to borrow a line from Tawmmy for Quinzee.

And while it may be simple to avoid eye contact, ignore the problem, and pray to your God that it goes away before a clover-leaf belt buckle is chucked at your head, once their claims are legitimized by coincidence, it's hard for these types to let it go in a lawful manner, becoming so over come with irrational faculties, a felony is bound to break out somewhere.

These same fans have been decrying the name of Rodriguez for years. Now it seems they will be able to have new ammunition to claim that Rodriguez does indeed suck a fat one, this time backed up by a federal Grand Jury.

I shudder to think what the highway's between Bawston and New Yark will resemble in the coming weeks.

I shudder even more vehemently to think of how much blood loss I will suffer through my ears after hearing the likes of southern Bawston fans, and their newly recharged fervor.

UPDATE: A-Rod dresses like Mr. Rogers with avid Bawston fan, and oh yeah, admits he lied like a liar from 2001 to 2003 while playing for the Rangers. Bigger question: Why did he have to cheat to outperform for the Rangers? That'd be like Manute Bol wearing stilts in China; We get it. You're taller.

DOUBLE UPDATE: If you look closely, you can see Peter Gammons laughing and spiting in A-Roid's face, what any true Bawston fan would have done in the same situation. He can also be heard cackling when the camera is on Rodriguez.


  1. Boston Response: Yah just jealous, TITLE TOWN USA!!!!

    Lattimer: ???

  2. So what is the problem with professional athletes taking a little HGH? These people have devoted their entire lives to playing the game and have gotten as naturally good as they can. What is the point of making it to the big time and being "made" if you cant take a load off, put your feet up and let someone else do the work for you? We do it in business all the time so why can't baseball replace interns with steroids? Personally, I don't want to see a bunch of average guys on TV playing sports (except for soccer, they are extraordinary already) they should just allow steroids and make the fields longer and the goals smaller...put this "performance enhancer" name to the test

  3. That's what the TechnoViking would do

    also, totally fell for the "how i know you're gay link"... Touche Roy Hobbs, Touche

  4. Brian, you should watch the movie "Bigger Stronger Faster"

    You will like it.

  5. I will certainly check it out. It's going to take a lot to out do Kurt the Russinator in "Big Trouble in Little China"