"No guys, focus on the center, and as I move it out, you'll see the 3D image."
or...
"Are you happy now with me shielding your eyes from the sun, you fat prima donnas?"
or...
"I hold in my hand tonight's top ten list!"
These weren't funny. Yours better be. Remember, there's a prize at the end of the tunnel, so comment well, and comment often.
UPDATE: Anonymous wins. This could be a "body of work" award, but it's actually going to the use of flatulence. Congratulations, unnamed sage! If the fart joke was you, email us to let us know who you are, you're in the running for bountiful treasure.
Posts
(all in unison throughout)Guys: So that's the stripper at your bachelor party?
ReplyDelete(sheepishly)Coach: Uh. Yeah.
Guys: Yeah, I can see how you thought it was a woman, but at this angle, you can definitely see that she's in fact a he.
Coach: Are you sure?
Guys: 100%.
Coach: Well, I definitely did some inappropriate things with her.
Guys: Him.
Coach: Right, right. So. What's my next move?
Guys: Well, how do you feel about it?
Coach: Well, to be honest, I didn't mind it. I mean it was like she—
Guys: He.
Coach: Right...—he really got me, and not because of my job but because of who I am...(taps heart) you know, in here.
Guys: Wow, that's something special.
Coach: I know. But now I'm wed...I mean made a commitment before God, my family, some of you fine people and I have to stand by that; I guess it just isn't meant to be.
(In tears) Guys: So this is what it sounds like when doves cry...
Belichick: You're all fired.
Why was Belichick at the Panthers training camp? Doesn't he have cronies to do his spying for him?
ReplyDeleteWhoops. Looked like the Pats, not the Pants.
ReplyDelete******
Fox: You're all fired.
******
That makes it funny again, right? AM I RIGHT?!
Coach: Alright Guys we're going to work on motivation, gather around. (Coach Holds up clip board with picture of Fat Jessica Simpson)
ReplyDeletePanthers in Unison: Ughh O MY GOD WHAT IS THAT? several players leave the circle to throw up on the side lines and some start to cry
Coach: You see this?? Take a goood look because this is what happens to your wives/girlfriends whatever when you don't make the playoffs
THE STATUE OF FUCKING LIBERTY PLAY...THE STATUE OF FUCKIN LIBERTY!!!!
ReplyDeleteCome on, God. Don't be such a pussy. Just help with this one play. Who's gonna know?
ReplyDelete"I call this THE ANNEXATION OF PUERTO RICO"
ReplyDelete#52: Vigilante?
ReplyDeleteCoach: No you're wrong you dumb piece of shit, I need a five letter word for "citizen arrestors" thats five as in...
/clenches fist
//uses fingers to count off
1..2...3...4...5
/Smacks #52 in the earhole.
(Not seen, Steven Lattimer)
ReplyDeleteLattimer: But coach I thought...
Coach: What's your first problem?
Lattimer: I thought...
Coach: That's right you fucking thought, Lattimer right now if I had to choose between you and a ten pound bucket of shit, I'd take the bucket of shit. In fact this entire D-Line is a giant bucket of shit. OOOOOOO the big bad D-line everyone in the conference is scared of you, ooooo _____ college d line are some bad mother fuckers. I tell you what, those school fags over there playing flag football aren't even scared of you, in fact I bet they'd kick the shit out of all of you.
/next play D-line starts fight with O-line.
Coach, how does this help us know which way the wind is blowing?
ReplyDeleteCoach: EVERYBODY LOOK UP AT THIS PLAY!
ReplyDelete/coach's son steals everybody's wallets
Look, a dead bird!
ReplyDeleteIdiots
Coach: Sorry my eyes aren't what they used to be... when you get old the first thing to go is your sight, then its your sex drive
ReplyDeleteCoach: bet you can't reach this clipboard!
ReplyDeleteCoach: No no no no First you throw the hand up in the air like this, then you grab your junk AND THEN YOU MOON WALK...and don't forget to scream when you grab your junk, that's what Michael says would be a good TD celebration
ReplyDelete#1: "Yo, Icehouse! Why yo' bitch ass pick out a picture that's backwards? It's bad enough I gotta work with this cracka' all day."
ReplyDelete7 to Heaven....DRIIIINNNKKKK
ReplyDeleteCOACH: ALRIGHT YOU MAGGOTS GATHER AROUND! AHH SHUT UP AND CIRCLE UP. NOW, DO YOU SEE THIS? (holds up clipboard). THIS IS TECHNOVIKING AND HE IS GOING TO START PRACTICING WITH US TO TOUGHEN YOU LITTLE BITCHES UP.
ReplyDelete(peering through a scope)Techno Viking: Prepare to dance, my warriors. Prepare.
ReplyDeleteCOACH: "You guys gotta huddle in closer. It's hard to see... Closer. Alright, now keep lookin... keep lookin"
ReplyDelete/coach farts
PLayer: Doorknob
ReplyDeleteCoach: O Shit
Techno Viking: "Jeg vil enten slå deg til stede krigere eller vanquish du dypet av Valhalla."
ReplyDeleteTechno Girl: Dersom noen av dere svin tør å røre meg trofast Techno Viking behead deg med kraften av hundre menn
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what the fuck you said little kid but you reached down and touched a brothers heart...give me the map Scott..GIVE ME THE MAP SCOTT!
ReplyDeletewho is the hater?
ReplyDeleteCoach: Okay guys gather around, I recently discovered a new life philosophy that will motivate the team to win. We have to dedicate ourselves fully to this. (Turns around and hold up clip board)
ReplyDeleteALright, now, this is L Ron Hubbard...