Bawston Fans Elated at Ensuing Mayhem

Why yes, Saturday was a fine day. I had a meeting where I got to smoke a cigar, a bought some blue jeans, got a haircut, and had evening drinks with old friends from years past, bantering back and forth about the good old days and the good new days ahead.

The same could not be said for Mr. Alex "YOU SACK (suck)!" Rodriguez.

In a leak from a supposedly-confidential 2003 screening, Rodriguez was one of 104 major leaguers to test positive for steroids, he himself testing positively for two anabolic steroids, which is a terrible faux pas these days. The name of the heir-apparent King of Swing now lie in ruins in a back alley in Queens.

In an unrelated incident, Seamus O'Learrigan, one of the individuals who worked for the nursing staff that conducted the urine testing, was given the key to the city of Boston for a week.

It is still unknown from whence the leak about A-Rod came, and the MLB Players' Union is still investigating.

But this incident has unveiled a beast even more treacherous that that of the Steroids Era in baseball, the Gambling Referee Era in basketball, or the Trent Dilfer Era in football: Legitimizing the claims of Joe Homah Bawston fans.

Turning a deaf ear to mindless Homerisms has become a statewide past time in Arkansas. Despite how terrible the team may be or how vaunted the opponent, the knuckle-dragging booger-eaters that comprise the evening sports radio show racket still attempt to logically plot out victory for the often hapless Razorbacks. "Hogs are playing the Steelers? Pittsburgh? Welp, I thank Darren McFadden gon' run for 'bout fiftyhundredandeleven yard, run back a kick-off punt, throw a touchdown pass, and average 4.8 sacks this here game," you know, very educated discourse.

New England protestations are similar. "If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!" to borrow a line from Tawmmy for Quinzee.

And while it may be simple to avoid eye contact, ignore the problem, and pray to your God that it goes away before a clover-leaf belt buckle is chucked at your head, once their claims are legitimized by coincidence, it's hard for these types to let it go in a lawful manner, becoming so over come with irrational faculties, a felony is bound to break out somewhere.

These same fans have been decrying the name of Rodriguez for years. Now it seems they will be able to have new ammunition to claim that Rodriguez does indeed suck a fat one, this time backed up by a federal Grand Jury.

I shudder to think what the highway's between Bawston and New Yark will resemble in the coming weeks.

I shudder even more vehemently to think of how much blood loss I will suffer through my ears after hearing the likes of southern Bawston fans, and their newly recharged fervor.

UPDATE: A-Rod dresses like Mr. Rogers with avid Bawston fan, and oh yeah, admits he lied like a liar from 2001 to 2003 while playing for the Rangers. Bigger question: Why did he have to cheat to outperform for the Rangers? That'd be like Manute Bol wearing stilts in China; We get it. You're taller.

DOUBLE UPDATE: If you look closely, you can see Peter Gammons laughing and spiting in A-Roid's face, what any true Bawston fan would have done in the same situation. He can also be heard cackling when the camera is on Rodriguez.

Professor Shaq Defines Physics

Shaquille O’Neal, the future Hall-of-Fame center now playing for the Phoenix Suns, was ejected last night following two “flagrant” fouls, which calls for an automatic ejection. The Suns went on to beat the Pistons, however following the game, an awfully begrudged Shaq Diesel began to describe the incident the only way he knew how: cold, hard science.

“The laws of physics say that a body in motion stays in motion. So if you have two objects meet in the air, the smaller object is going to fall much harder,” O’Neal said. “I’ve never been the type of player to take anybody out, so I obviously went to the ball. The little guy ran into a brick wall.” (Actual quote from Shaq)

Physicists, who had previously never tuned in to an NBA game in their lab-coated lives, quickly paid heed to Professor Shaq. Dr. Kurt Von Webrenhuesen, an Austrian astrobiologist shown on the left, said that although he was stunned by O’Neal’s initial statements, they were entirely accurate.

“He’s right, you know,” said Von Webrenhuesen. “Big man make little fellow fall with much fervor. Yah!”

A little known fact, but Louisiana State University, of which O’Neal was an attendee, has an excellent physics program that helped him acheive his mental dexterity, while still being veiled by his actual dexterity. And while he has publically stated he has plans for a career in law enforcement following his days in the NBA, he claims to aspire to be “one of those smart cops who solves crimes with science and stuff in like an hour.”