Professor Shaq Defines Physics

Shaquille O’Neal, the future Hall-of-Fame center now playing for the Phoenix Suns, was ejected last night following two “flagrant” fouls, which calls for an automatic ejection. The Suns went on to beat the Pistons, however following the game, an awfully begrudged Shaq Diesel began to describe the incident the only way he knew how: cold, hard science.

“The laws of physics say that a body in motion stays in motion. So if you have two objects meet in the air, the smaller object is going to fall much harder,” O’Neal said. “I’ve never been the type of player to take anybody out, so I obviously went to the ball. The little guy ran into a brick wall.” (Actual quote from Shaq)

Physicists, who had previously never tuned in to an NBA game in their lab-coated lives, quickly paid heed to Professor Shaq. Dr. Kurt Von Webrenhuesen, an Austrian astrobiologist shown on the left, said that although he was stunned by O’Neal’s initial statements, they were entirely accurate.

“He’s right, you know,” said Von Webrenhuesen. “Big man make little fellow fall with much fervor. Yah!”

A little known fact, but Louisiana State University, of which O’Neal was an attendee, has an excellent physics program that helped him acheive his mental dexterity, while still being veiled by his actual dexterity. And while he has publically stated he has plans for a career in law enforcement following his days in the NBA, he claims to aspire to be “one of those smart cops who solves crimes with science and stuff in like an hour.”