Thursday, November 20, 2008
Aggregated Assault is a collective group post by the three primary writers of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs.
Ah, November. By now you're probably resting on your laurels of nearly a year's worth of solid work contributed to be betterment of society. Maybe checking a Christmas list for that special someone. Maybe you're sitting shirtless in a papasan chair eating tuna fish right out of the can. Either way, with the holiday season nigh and the year's end in sight, you're probably ready to relax.
Not us. We're just now gearing up for a year's end extravaganza that is going to award the best of the best of the best of 2008. The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards will cap off this, the eighth (or seventh?) year of the new millennium, by recognizing the marked achievements by those in the athletic society we affectionately call the Wide, Wide World of Sports.
The first award is the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens. Izzy Mandelbaum, the famed fitness enthusiast of Del Boca Vista, Florida, known for making men out of butterballs by inviting trips aboard the pain train, would be proud were he not busy somewhere else kicking it up a notch.
The issue of senior citizens in sports is very important for a variety of reasons. Senior citizens are hands down the best age group to watch a sporting event with. They have the best insight on games such as: "These players today don't have the HEART that we had" or "You're telling me we are paying this bum millions of dollars to miss 20 foot f'ing jump shots." or "Get a load of this bum" or "I hate the Iggles and you should too" and our favorite "Back in my day we had a way to deal with these endzone celebrations, it was called knocking your teeth out."
And the nominees are:
Zach Thomas, 35: Long considered to have his career ended, Zach Thomas came back with a fury. Well, a fury and a well-documented (thanks, HBO's Hard Knocks!) stretching program. Apparently stretching cures concussions and neck problems. Either way, you can't watch a Cowboys game without hearing his name several times a series, always flying around a play, or dragging down a runner by himself. He's currently four tackles away from the 1700 career milestone; which puts this no-necked sonuvabitch at the top of my list. Well, that and homerism.
Nancy Lieberman, 50: I mean, look at the age. Adding to the fact that she signed a week long contract this year to play for the team that she previously coached, the Detroit Shock, she also won a silver medal representing the United States in the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal. Not only is this chick old, and still played professional hoops this year, we must look at one more fact. In 1998, while head coach general manager of the Detroit Shock, she was forced to step down after having a (what I am assuming is a semi-hot) sexual relationship with one of the rookies on the team. BOOYAH!
Jamie Moyer, 45 (turned 46 on Tuesday!): We heard enough about this cat during the NLCS and World Series, but it still bears mentioning. As far as pro athletes in 2008, we have to mention Moyer. The dude was playing for real before anybody on this blog was born. He set records as the oldest to do several innocuous things, such as pitch in an NLCS game. But still, he ended up with a ring, after pitching a pretty darn good six innings – with a stomach virus no less – in the World Series.
Kurt Warner, 37: Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, what do I even say about you? Kurt, much like many other senior citizens, has a crazy ass wife. Her name is Brenda Warner and she looks like a goblin. Kurt, however, represents so much more than a mush-head QB. He represents the majority of senior citizens in the U.S: Religion, check. Wife with gray hair, check. Flat-top, double check. But you know what Kurt is just too damn nice. He literally kills opponents with kindness...and his gloves.
Jamie Moyer, 46: Jamie Moyer is also old, in fact if these awards were serious, he'd win hands down. The problem with Moyer is that you always hear him "helping" the younger pitchers, or "mentoring" rookies. What the hell? Old people don't roll that way, Jamie. No, I'm all about stereotypes for these awards and who fits the old person stereotype better than...
Kerry Collins, 36: Oh my God, we have a winner. Think about it. Kerry Collins is 1.) Racist. 2.) Alcoholic. 3.) Fights Jim Kelly. Hell, Kerry Collins is originally from PA where we cling to our guns and religion because we are bitter. Well, you know what BHO? The K.C. is bitter about something. He's bitter that people over look his skills simply because every time he's been successful he's had a lights out defense, and a extraordinary running game. Well you know what K.C., I'm going to acknowledge you right here on GRH. You're always a winner in my book.
- Steve Lattimer
Joe Paterno, 122: Everyone should be well aware of my disdain for weak conferences such as the Big Ten, but let's face it: JoePa deserves to be on this list. Paterno has coached for the better part of two centuries, won numerous bowl games and currently adds more games to his record of most winningest college coach of all time. And he's still good. Prior to an unforeseen upset at the hands of Iowa, Paterno had his team National Championship bound - albeit undeservedly so - and still has a top ten team. This is all from coaching in the box with a bad hip. Way to go, Pops. You're aces in my book.
Brett Favre, 39: Admit it. You love this guy. There's something in the hearts of men everywhere that aches for the days of adolescence and youth and vigor and Brett "The Tease" Favre is the epitome of all of those feelings. Like a kid out in the rain, Brett Favre has still got it. He has taken a lack-luster team like the Jets and made them legitimate contenders for the AFC East. Sure, the heavyweight Patriots are in a rehabilitating year, but give the man credit: they're much better than they were without him. Overrated he may be, and while not in the upper-upper echelon of QB's, he is still one of the best. Put it this way; were it not for Tom Brady, who would've been the league MVP last year? That's right. Father Time Brett Favre.
John McCain, 156: I have contended for a long time that politics is the ultimate sport, mainly because it's the only one where overtime can be settled by nukes. But in political discourse, no elder statesman stood out so elderishly as GOP Senator and Presidential-hopeful John McCain. Johnnie Mac ran very well in a race in which he was never supposed to be close. The new hotness, Barack Obama, came in and Ba-Rocked the Vote. But McCain's septuagenarian shoulders carried the banner for a country that, despite the mandate from towards a more-left movement, is still a center-right country. Oh yeah, and he's killed more commies than cancer, and he's beaten cancer a couple of times, too. Despite your loss at the hands of democracy, I salute you, Old Man River.
Who do you think deserves the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs