Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Executive Branch is about to get a new fresh African-American face in the Oval Office, but not the one that it was expecting.
In a startling chain of events, LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers has won the Presidential Race of 2008 in a landslide. Previously thought to be running as a gimmick candidate for the Fly Party, a secret underground campaign, coupled with some pretty decent season-opening numbers, have clinched the Race for the formerly monarchical but currently democratic King James.
"I mean, it's a big honor," said James. "It's not every day you can be the first and second most powerful person in the world. I'll holla at that. How many people can say they can keep their NBA Championship Trophy in their Lincoln bedroom? I'll be saying that come June."
Apparently the do-it-all small forward plans to literally do it all, shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a team kicking and screaming into the Finals and shouldering the responsibilities of dragging a nation kicking and screaming into prosperity all at the same time. But James says he has no reservations for pulling off both at the same time.
"I mean, I played high school football and basketball at the same time," James said, spinning a globe on his ring and index finger. "I think I got this."
James' platform includes free health care for everyone, flying cars for those over 18, the repealing of the one-year out of high school rule, and the creation of an eighth day of the week in between Sunday and Monday, known as Bronday, where no work only play will take place. He also wants to replace the entirety of CSPAN's staff with ESPN staff citing "irreconcilable differences."
But just how did James surmount such a tremendous upset over not only typical party candidates like Barack Obama and John McCain, but even less than conventional candidates like Bob Barr and Chuck Baldwin and...what's that guy's name?....oh yeah, Ralph "Guess Who's Back?" Nader?
"With style," James replied, as the threw a cross-court three-pointer in for a swish. Actually, James later admitted, the process was much more convoluted than the 23 year old had reckoned.
Taking notes from Obama rather than McCain, James first went about selecting a running mate that nobody could remember or care about. The LeBron James-Manute Bol ticket was formed, although none of the campaign materials were changed to include Bol's name.
"He's going to help my international relations and s**t," said James.
"Uh huh," replied Bol.
Next James went about garnering campaign finances. With Tiger Woods out of the picture, Nike was willing to throw millions into the campaign, including running an ad with the LeBrons, young and old, beating the ever-loving piss out of some Revolutionary-era Torries. One ad also included a video of LeBron dunking over the Detroit Pistons two years ago with LeBron breaking the fourth wall, looking into the camera and saying, "Voting for me? That's a slam dunk!" and then he game his trademark grin and soon-to-be-trademarked thumbs up.
Support also came from Hollywood. Jay-Z was more than willing to throw down his m-to-the-Oney towards James' campaign. Not fully understanding the democratic process, Jay-Z even let James sleep with his precious Beyonce (now known as Sascha Fierce...yikes) so that he would have some sort of blood ties toward what he called the "White House Throne," stating "I wanna sit where Lincoln sit."
Other financial backers included Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley, Michael Jordan, James Earl Jones, John Stockton and even Will "Fresh Prince" Smith, while DJ Jazzy Jeff, an ardent Republican, sided with McCain. The two apparently are no longer on speaking terms.
Having the necessary resources, LeBron quickly had the law banning people under 35 from being elected earmarked for amendment to exclude people who play in the NBA and "have sweet ink." Following the amendment, the rest fell into place as easily as it did silently.
James naturally swept his home state of Ohio, where he not only plays for the Cavaliers, but also played in his high school days. Known for wearing Yankee hats for no apparent reason was enough to carry New York and even New Jersey's half of an electoral vote. Sweeping both the coveted blue collar vote and the glitz and glamor vote, it was no wonder LeBron won as handedly as he did.
"That's just what I do," said LeBron. "I win."
LeBron said his inauguration suit will be made of a recycled solid gold H2 Hummer and the after-party will be "extra-crunk" because his first order of business will be to repeal the amendment restricting more than two term presidents.
King James, indeed.
Posted by Zack Stovall at 3:57 PM