Sunday, November 23, 2008

Monday Morning Shit Storm

This storm is fairly obvious.

I love Thanksgiving. Specifically, I like hearing about how everyone spends their holiday's. I think the best one I've ever heard is from one of my friends in high school. He said every holiday basically consisted of going to church, watching his entire family get plastered by noon, watching his entire family get into a fight, and finally leaving by 2:00 pm.

So for the storm: present the best Thanksgiving itinerary, or for our lazy readers simply post your favorite Thanksgiving food/ highlights of the holiday.

If nothing else, we can debate white vs. dark meat.

Tuesday/Wednesday- Sit in tree and attempt to kill innocent animals.


5:30 am-(I'm a human alarm clock) Arise, stare at TV and computer for two hours. (May play Civilization with younger cousin)

8:30 am- Inject turkey with flavor heroin.

8:45 am- Prepare for Thanksgiving feast by eating a spoonful of cottage cheese for breakfast.

9:00 am- Greet relatives.

9:07 am- Think of various excuses.

9:10 am- When asked for help in kitchen, claim that you have a "project" you are working on.

9:11 am- Work on project called "Thanksgiving TV: Social Implications on a Society."

10:25 am- Younger cousins steal remote control.

10:26 am- Bet younger cousins that they can't eat 5 crackers in a minute. Explain that if they win they receive the TV for the entire day.

10:27 am- Turn on NFL pregame show.

11:00 am- When asked for help in the kitchen explain: "Hold on I'll be there in a minute."

Noon- Cousin asks if you want a drink: Accept offer.

12:15 pm- Submerge flavor injected turkey into a hot vat of oil.

12:16 pm- Stare into vat.

12:30 pm- Watch Football, and enter kitchen only to pick at various dishes.

3:00 pm- When asked to help set the table reply: "I don't know how to set a table."

3:01 pm-When younger cousins set the table, explain to them that the knife blade should face inside.

3:15 pm- When mom asks you to make the cider punch tell her "I'll just screw it up." Aunt tells cousin to "give it a kick." When cousin asks how much liquor to place into punch explain "Well, she never specified the magnitude of the kick."

3:16 pm-Watch cousin pour entire bottle of liquor into a punch bowl.

3:17 pm- Smile

3:25 pm- Strategically place yourself next to the food table during Thanksgiving prayer.

3:27 pm- Put something from every dish on your plate. (I personally like to line my plate with a stuffing "base")

3:39 pm- Blow food load on 1.5 plates.

4:00 pm- Pass out.

7:00 pm- wake up

7:01 pm- Quickly scrounge together leftovers.

7:10 pm- Instigate Pictionary challenge.

7:11-11:00 pm- Dominate.

11:15 pm-1:00 am- Participate in political/economic/social debate with family members. (Discussion typically ending with the phrase "Well I think we ALL can agree that Springsteen kicks total ass")

1:05 am- Cousin asks if you want a bedtime drink: Accept.

Friday-Sunday- Sit in tree and attempt to kill innocent animals.

Sorry, I kind of got carried away there. Just put down your favorite food, mine is sweet potato casserole.


  1. I'd also like to add that Hunting is probably the coolest thing ever.

    I don't know who the first cro-mag was who saw a wooly mammoth and said: "You know what, I'm gonna kill that sonbitch and eat him"

    I would just like to take this opportunity to thank him.

  2. My favorite is green beans with fried onion strips on top.

    I also like watching the Cowboys.

  3. Green Bean casserole is a thanksgiving all star.

    Vegetables+fried food=great

  4. I also need some advice. I have a problem with premature stomach fullness. Basically I talk shit all day about how much I'm going to eat and then after like one plate of food I'm stuffed.

    For those of you who go 3, maybe 4 plates deep, is there any strategy I should use?

    I mean do you just try to combine all 3 plates into one?

    Do you literally fill 3 plates then place them in front of you?

    Slow? Fast?

    Do you separate the plates into food categories such as: fried, deep fried, and sweet?

    Do you take any type of pill to help you with a premature stomach fullness problem?

    Do you get so drunk that you can't feel the fullness and you can last all afternoon?

    Fore-eating, or no fore-eating?

    Do you play with your food?

    Use a napkin, or no napkin?

    Sit, or stand?

    Do you talk during consumption, or do you keep an intense focus on the food?

    Do you think about eating all day long, or do you try to block it out of your mind?

    TV on, or off?

    Kid table, or grown up table?

    Do you go with stuffing on the first plate?

    Desert right after the meal, or several hours later?

    Do you help with cooking, or do you just sit there?

    I'm sorry I'm off this week and I have too much time on my hands.

  5. Four-Layer Delight is delicious. Chocolate, whip cream, cream cheese and graham crackers have never been put together so splendidly.

    And Mr. Lattimer, on the subject of gorging, the answer is simpler than you would imagine. Basically, if you have to ask how to cram all that food, then you have already failed.

  6. Tell me more about this four-layer delight you speak of.

  7. Get a good work out in on Wednesday, and if you can find a pool that would be satisfactory to swim in, swim Thanksgiving day around noon. You'll be hungry as fuck. Eat sitting, but don't forget to stand from time to time and walk around a little bit.

    As good as stuffing is, don't fill up on it.

    The best dessert is apple pie, you communist motherfuckers.

  8. I'm actually a sucker for cool whip with a little pumpkin pie on top.

  9. Well, it's a desert and it's served like a pie, only in a larger deeper dish. The graham cracker is the base, topped by the cream cheese, the pudding, and the whip cream in that order.

    It's one of the more delectable concoctions of our era, in that there is a tremendous amount of rich flavor slammed into not a lot of filling. That means that even after eating eight to eleven pounds of casserole and turkey-that-has-chicken-and-duck-inside-of-it, you can still have more than enough room for this fantastic desert dish.

    My mom walked on water once.

  10. That sounds amazing.

    It also sounds like a Christmas crossover dish.

    During Christmas we have this thing called Ice Cream cake. It consists of mint/candy cane ice cream along with angel food cake. The problem is that I hate mint/candy cane ice cream.

    I think the point of the whole discussion is this:

    Carrot Cake is the best thing ever invented, and I still don't know why there isn't a law requiring American citizens to eat an entire cake everyday.

  11. I've had a turducken and QUITE FRANKLY they are overrated.

  12. You're going to have a tough time being an elected official if you're running on a pro-Carrot Cake platform.

    It's not THAT good.

    Now that Apple Pie agenda that seems tacitly proposed by Mr. Icehouse? Now there's something that Americans can rally behind.

  13. F that.

    I'm running on a change agenda.

    In all honesty I'm pro pie/cake.

    However, the apple-pie politics that has dominated dinner tables and window sills has gone on for far too long.

    America needs change. They need a dessert that crosess the cool whip and ice cream party lines.

    Carrot cake is this delectable dish we have been looking for.

  14. you know what I've never figured out? Cranberry sauce. I don't know, it's just not me. Now get some dark gravy all of the place, shit yeah.

    We used to have a pecan tree in our front yard. We would harvest fresh pecans for pecan pie every thanksgiving. Pecan Pie is also amazing.

    The best pumpkin pie you've ever had isn't that much better than the worst. It's a failsafe, but one who's potential is limited.

  15. I shun all of these Lattimerian platitudes and say that we do, indeed, need change. However, what America needs and requires is to hearken back to the traditional apple pie values that made it the country it is today.

    Your carrot cake may indeed be a pastry of change, but not the change we need here.

    God Bless America.

  16. It seems that we will never solve the dessert based debate.

    However, in response to Icehouse, Cranberry sauce is delicious.

    I'll admit, I wasn't pro cranberry until the age of 16.

    However, I feel like it has magical powers. I typically mix it in the stuffing base I referred to earlier.

  17. As God as my witness, I will be the first one in my enormous family to put olives on all my fingers and eat them off.

  18. Maybe your olives= my cranberry sauce.

    I want to like olives, I really do, but it just doesnt work for me.

  19. Also, are there any weird dishes that are a staple of your family's thanksgiving meal.

    For us it's fried oysters, and they are glorious.

  20. There's something called Emmitt Smith's Casserole. The recipe was published one thanksgiving, and it has been adopted by this family ever since.

  21. I have been thrown off Gchat. I think the man is on to me. Help!



    more sailing videos.

  22. You really really need to look at the pirate one.

  23. I just walked all around my office building's floor, asking people if they wanted to participate in a Thanksgiving potluck lunch on Wednesday. Nobody did. That's ok, I didn't want to share my vittles with them anyways.

  24. Man that is weak. In my line of work everyone is completely jacked for Thanksgiving right now.

  25. 1. I respect a man who lines his plate with a stuffing base.

    2. Turducken is delicious. Why would god have made turkeys, ducks, chicken, and cajun sausage if they weren't meant to be combined into one giant ball of delicious.

    3. Goode Co. Pecan pie is the only acceptable thanksgiving dessert.

    4. In preparation for thanksgiving we have had not 1 but 2 practice thanksgiving feasts. (Insert thank you to people who give my parents turkeys/hams/turduckens that they unload on me.)

    5. I expect that these "practice feasts" will allow my body to ingest an amount of food that I would expect will leave me uncomfortable and shitting my brains out for days.

    6. I would like to point out the importance of yet unmentioned sweet potato in all of this. Without it Thanksgiving is not complete.

    7. No Thanksgiving is complete without post meal nap

    That is all

  26. Store-bought pies are for those who don't know how to cook.

    They would have died in the days of the original Thanksgiving.