Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Morning Shit Storm

This is a storm that has been brewing inside of me for 23 years.

We all love sports, we all watch sports, and the majority of the time we are watching these sports on a TV.

Which is awesome, except for the fact that somebody has to explain the game to you.

I have a love hate relationship with commentators. I love some, like Keith Jackson. I'd put Keith Jackson on the same level as Einstein, DaVinci, and Albert Pujols. Hell I'd listen to Keith Jackson read my Tacoma's owner's manual.

However, there are some "commentators" that I simply can't stand. They constantly ruin my sports viewing experience with their blatant douchebaggery.

Who's on the top of my list.

Brent Musberger.

God I don't know how many sporting events this guy has ruined for me. Hey Brent, you don't have to over analyze every single play.

If Brent were to do play by play on my morning this is how it would sound:

-Wow waking up at 6:30? You have to wonder Kirk if he got enough sleep last night?

-Lattimer used alot of toothpaste this morning, you have to wonder if he will eventually have to get more toothpaste.

-Eggs? I realize there is alot of protein? But Kirk you have to wonder if this will have an impact on him later in the day?

-Coffee? Only 1 cup? Well, I have no idea what Lattimer is thinking, but ONE CUP

-The polo? You have to wonder here Kirk, if the weather changes, I mean it's fall and you have to wonder here if the polo was the wrong choice?

-You know what Kirk? I was sitting down with Lattimer the other day, Fine young man, and do you know what he told me? He pee's standing up? ha ha I mean can you believe that kirk? Standing? Ladies and Gentleman this Lattimer is a special man.

-You know what Kirk, I've been all across this land, and Lattimer is without a doubt the best at opening a car door.

-Wow shifting into 5th gear on Jacksonville road? Kirk isnt that a little risky? I mean the sign clearly says 45? You have to wonder here kirk, if this will have implications later on? I mean I'm no expert, but anyone can see that shifting into 5th on Jacksonville, is not a wise move my friend.

-ooooo yellow light Trouble here.

-Wow Kirk, he just made that light, but you have to wonder if that close call will make him less aggressive at future lights?

-I'll tell you what that was the best right turn I have ever seen?

-I'll tell you what here kirk, This may have been the best morning I've seen, But you have to wonder that ole' tomorrow morning is rolling around the bend' and I dont know that after this dogfight that ollllllllllllllllle' lattimer can make it through another grinder.

God I hate Musberger.

For the storm list your most hated TV sports personality.


  1. I'm just going to go ahead and say Musburger's partner in "The Waterboy," Dan Fouts.

    Dan: "He sure knocked the poop out of him!"
    Brent: "Poop?!"

  2. The whole Monday night crew. I don't know who decided that Tony "The Jewish Jordan" Kornheiser was a halfway decent commentator, but they seventh circle of hell is reserved for them.

  3. I also could not stand Theisman when he was employed.

    And I agree with MNF to an extent, I like Jaws and Tirico, but it always seems like they are looking for that elusive color guy.

  4. And Berman is naturally a close second.

  5. I'm glad we've already featured a deep hatred for Brent Musburger. That way I don't have to tell the story about the verbal boner he portrayed during the Fiesta Bowl when Brady Quinn's sister was between her brother Brady and her boyfriend A.J. Hawk. Musburger had a chubby the entire time and it took away from the game so badly, I decided to not watch a college bowl game.

    I used to hate Joe Buck, even though I loved his father, Jack. However, following an awesome trip to the Conan O'Brien show I have since renounced that hate. Buck gets text messages from his buddies during big games that he's commenting on with wagers and dares that he won't slip certain phrases into the broadcast. Words like "Sweet Burrito!" and "Like a rhinestone cowboy!" Conan said he'd pay $1,000 if Buck would say "Jubb jubb," one of O'Brien's favorite made up words that he always tried to slip into the Simpsons. During game five of the World Series, Buck referred to Chris Meyers as "Our own little Jubb Jubb, Chris Meyers is on the field."

    Keith Olbermann has tainted sports with his politics. I don't care if your conservative or liberal; check that poop at the door, Keith.


  6. Speaking of olberman:

    the entire "football night in America" crew.

    Do we really need 50 people to analyze what happened on Sunday?

    I also think Colin Cowherd is an egotistical Duechebag,however I will love Jim Rome until the day I die.

  7. Bryant Gumbel is the reason I don't want the NFL Network.

  8. mike patrick. that's one ugly mother.

  9. And Joe Buck fellates Troy Aikman. I would also like to point out that one time, they got into a discussion about the show, "Hole in the Wall" and agreed that it was a masterpiece.

    Finally, "Jubb Jubb" is the name of Patty and Selma Bouvier's pet iguana in the Simpsons.

  10. Don Delaware hates John Madden's face.

    I miss Pat Summerall.

    I don't mind Kornheiser. PTI rules.

  11. Jon Barry is the third best basketball player in his family, and the worst commentator.

    Bill Walton is the best.

  12. Oh man, how did we forget about Stephen A. Smith.

    And Jay Mariotti should never work again.

  13. Ok here is the thing on Screamin Stephen.

    when he was always on the air I loved to hate him. He never had a logical argument and his only source was Kobe on his blackberry.

    Now that he is out of the spotlight I feel like there is a hole inside of me. I feel like Batman without any villains in Gotham.

    I really wish Stephen A. makes a comeback.

  14. I also miss saying




  15. Stephen A. Smith is terrible. He's not "In Your Face," more like "sassy," which is usually reserved for a girl who speaks their unwarranted opinions too loudly, which is unbecoming of anyone.

    I don't know what happened to Jay Mariotti to make him think he could do anything close to writing, covering or talking about sports. He's like some kind of spoiled kid, only that kid is your age and he's in your office, babbling incoherently about something you can only decipher has to do with sports because he can match the city with the mascot. I mean, who told him he was good?

    I still miss Pat Summerall.

  16. I remember when I used to pee my pants in anticipation of Lupica's sunday column.

    Now I want to punch him in the face.

    I also loath mitch albom.

  17. this may be a whole other shit storm, but lets give credit where its due.

    Jason Whitlock is easily the most insightful sports columnist. He needs to write a book, like right now.

    Bill Rhoden always has great stuff, he's kinda like Whitlock except more scholarly, always makes you think.

    Brian Burwell is cocky, but he always has great points.

    Bernie Micklasz was disappointing for a while but I think he's hitting his stride again.

    This may suprise people but woody hayes was a good columnist before he became ESPN's dancing monkey.

    I actually like Trev Alberts on ESPN.

    Mike Mayock and Jamie Dukes on NFL network do a great job.

    and finally chris speilman is easily the best color guy in the biz.

    Oh and I think Erin Andrews is a great sideline reporter (she looks good too)

  18. eat shit and die lattimer. keith jackson is a blowjob artist, and you're his canvas.

    how can you respect an announcer that was so blatantly biased and WRONG during the 2005 national championship? the man is senile... set him free and find a new boyfriend.

  19. Pete's Friend:

    You won your NC.

    Stop complaining.

    Always impressed by UT fans' knowledge of the game.

  20. Suck shit. Lattimer is the best sports mind in the blogosphere.

  21. I know he is not a sportscaster or commentator in the technical sense, but i really cannot stand Bill Simmons.