Ways To Make Zack Like Basketball: Make Players Good Looking and Then Throw Them Through The Air

This is an ongoing series throughout what, for me, is the worst period of time in sports. Baseball is a few months away, and football is as good as dead until the fall. And it's all because, no matter how much I try (AND BELIEVE YOU ME I TRY A LOT) I just can't watch, like, enjoy, get behind, or generally stand basketball. I'll watch a Blake Griffin dunk, or a last second Rudy Gay buzzer-beater, or LeBron do anything. But, and nothing against basketball or any of its fine fans, this time of year is a real struggle for me to get through. Feel my pain, and bear with me, as I try to show room for the game's improvement.

Make The Players Better Looking, Then Throw Them Through The Air

If there's anything I don't like watching, it's men sweating as they perform feats of athletic prowess. The speed. The dexterity. The muscular definition. I've got none of that. I somewhat famously pulled a muscle or broke a rib sneezing. That's a bodily function. I didn't hurt it doing anything as athletic as Phil Jackson does on the bench coaching, and he's like 119 years old or something (THERE'S SOMETHING TO THAT ZEN, KIDS). Seeing all these guys, you know, moving well puts me in a bad mood. Plus, I'm not tall at all. All of those guys in the NBA? They're really freaking tall, which is why most of them got into basketball in the first place. Steve Nash is supposed to be short, and he's like 6'2" or something. Baseball? Prince Fielder is good at it and he's so fat, he'd float in most bodies of water, and that's AWESOME. Humans don't play football anymore, it's steroid-fueled creatures of Frankenstein and those dancing robots Fox has that are really playing under those pads and jerseys.

In order for me to tune in to college or NBA hoops, I'm going want to look at the players. And you know who I like looking at? Pretty women. Fill the NBA with gorgeous women running up and down the court, sweating, and fouling each other. That way when I watch them, I'm going to want to keep watching them play all of the basketball things that I don't understand. You want to know why all of those late night channels run ads with voluptuous women talking on phones? Because people like watching them do things, like talk on the phone and demand money. I'd wager a lot more people will enjoy watching them do whatever it is that people who play basketball do.

Also, other people should be allowed to throw the now good-looking basketball players through the air to make plays. And a lot of plays, too, like mid-air passes, throwing a person into a dunk, and imagine the midcourt buzzer beaters! In the NFL, there are rules forbidding players to use other players to levitate themselves. If there are any of those rules in the NBA, we should get rid of them. That way, players could get thrown through the air, simulating the same - IF NOT MORE - type of high-flying antics that NBA fans already enjoy. People already don't like the WNBA because nobody's flying around, and even if they did, well, now we're just back to the original problem with the NBA. My advice is to make sure that the good-looking players are flying around.

Plus, people getting thrown through the air is just cool. I believe everyone here knows my stance on the necessity of a return to an Era of Catapults.

That would make me watch some more basketball. 66 days until MLB opening day, by the way.

(Originally published on Zack Gets Down, a neat website you should all check out.)

Caption Contest!

Hobbers, it's an uncharted day today: RICKY RANDOM CAPTION CONTEST!

No celebrity athletes today, folks. This picture, I thought was too good to pass up. For added pleasure, just think about what these two goons are probably doing today: Working at Enterprise Rent-a-car and living at home, still keeping in touch with Ty Willingham.

Jersey: So that pretty much ruins 90% of your activities for your weekend, eh?
Sweatshirt: No, I'm a switch hitter.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: You should see the other guy.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: I found my Dad's Atari, and it's got a joy stick like this.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: There's a better chance of me playing with this cast than of you playing at 100%.
Jersey: Wow....I mean, yeah...

I implore you. Please do better than I did.

Aggregated Assault: The Izzy Mandelbaum Award

Aggregated Assault is a collective group post by the three primary writers of the Ghost of Roy Hobbs.

Ah, November. By now you're probably resting on your laurels of nearly a year's worth of solid work contributed to be betterment of society. Maybe checking a Christmas list for that special someone. Maybe you're sitting shirtless in a papasan chair eating tuna fish right out of the can. Either way, with the holiday season nigh and the year's end in sight, you're probably ready to relax.

Not us. We're just now gearing up for a year's end extravaganza that is going to award the best of the best of the best of 2008. The Ghost of Roy Hobbs Awards will cap off this, the eighth (or seventh?) year of the new millennium, by recognizing the marked achievements by those in the athletic society we affectionately call the Wide, Wide World of Sports.

The first award is the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens. Izzy Mandelbaum, the famed fitness enthusiast of Del Boca Vista, Florida, known for making men out of butterballs by inviting trips aboard the pain train, would be proud were he not busy somewhere else kicking it up a notch.

The issue of senior citizens in sports is very important for a variety of reasons. Senior citizens are hands down the best age group to watch a sporting event with. They have the best insight on games such as: "These players today don't have the HEART that we had" or "You're telling me we are paying this bum millions of dollars to miss 20 foot f'ing jump shots." or "Get a load of this bum" or "I hate the Iggles and you should too" and our favorite "Back in my day we had a way to deal with these endzone celebrations, it was called knocking your teeth out."

And the nominees are:

Zach Thomas, 35: Long considered to have his career ended, Zach Thomas came back with a fury. Well, a fury and a well-documented (thanks, HBO's Hard Knocks!) stretching program. Apparently stretching cures concussions and neck problems. Either way, you can't watch a Cowboys game without hearing his name several times a series, always flying around a play, or dragging down a runner by himself. He's currently four tackles away from the 1700 career milestone; which puts this no-necked sonuvabitch at the top of my list. Well, that and homerism.

Nancy Lieberman, 50: I mean, look at the age. Adding to the fact that she signed a week long contract this year to play for the team that she previously coached, the Detroit Shock, she also won a silver medal representing the United States in the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal. Not only is this chick old, and still played professional hoops this year, we must look at one more fact. In 1998, while head coach general manager of the Detroit Shock, she was forced to step down after having a (what I am assuming is a semi-hot) sexual relationship with one of the rookies on the team. BOOYAH!

Jamie Moyer, 45 (turned 46 on Tuesday!): We heard enough about this cat during the NLCS and World Series, but it still bears mentioning. As far as pro athletes in 2008, we have to mention Moyer. The dude was playing for real before anybody on this blog was born. He set records as the oldest to do several innocuous things, such as pitch in an NLCS game. But still, he ended up with a ring, after pitching a pretty darn good six innings – with a stomach virus no less – in the World Series.
-Icehouse

Kurt Warner, 37: Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, what do I even say about you? Kurt, much like many other senior citizens, has a crazy ass wife. Her name is Brenda Warner and she looks like a goblin. Kurt, however, represents so much more than a mush-head QB. He represents the majority of senior citizens in the U.S: Religion, check. Wife with gray hair, check. Flat-top, double check. But you know what Kurt is just too damn nice. He literally kills opponents with kindness...and his gloves.

Jamie Moyer, 46: Jamie Moyer is also old, in fact if these awards were serious, he'd win hands down. The problem with Moyer is that you always hear him "helping" the younger pitchers, or "mentoring" rookies. What the hell? Old people don't roll that way, Jamie. No, I'm all about stereotypes for these awards and who fits the old person stereotype better than...

Kerry Collins, 36: Oh my God, we have a winner. Think about it. Kerry Collins is 1.) Racist. 2.) Alcoholic. 3.) Fights Jim Kelly. Hell, Kerry Collins is originally from PA where we cling to our guns and religion because we are bitter. Well, you know what BHO? The K.C. is bitter about something. He's bitter that people over look his skills simply because every time he's been successful he's had a lights out defense, and a extraordinary running game. Well you know what K.C., I'm going to acknowledge you right here on GRH. You're always a winner in my book.
- Steve Lattimer

Joe Paterno, 122: Everyone should be well aware of my disdain for weak conferences such as the Big Ten, but let's face it: JoePa deserves to be on this list. Paterno has coached for the better part of two centuries, won numerous bowl games and currently adds more games to his record of most winningest college coach of all time. And he's still good. Prior to an unforeseen upset at the hands of Iowa, Paterno had his team National Championship bound - albeit undeservedly so - and still has a top ten team. This is all from coaching in the box with a bad hip. Way to go, Pops. You're aces in my book.

Brett Favre, 39: Admit it. You love this guy. There's something in the hearts of men everywhere that aches for the days of adolescence and youth and vigor and Brett "The Tease" Favre is the epitome of all of those feelings. Like a kid out in the rain, Brett Favre has still got it. He has taken a lack-luster team like the Jets and made them legitimate contenders for the AFC East. Sure, the heavyweight Patriots are in a rehabilitating year, but give the man credit: they're much better than they were without him. Overrated he may be, and while not in the upper-upper echelon of QB's, he is still one of the best. Put it this way; were it not for Tom Brady, who would've been the league MVP last year? That's right. Father Time Brett Favre.

John McCain, 156: I have contended for a long time that politics is the ultimate sport, mainly because it's the only one where overtime can be settled by nukes. But in political discourse, no elder statesman stood out so elderishly as GOP Senator and Presidential-hopeful John McCain. Johnnie Mac ran very well in a race in which he was never supposed to be close. The new hotness, Barack Obama, came in and Ba-Rocked the Vote. But McCain's septuagenarian shoulders carried the banner for a country that, despite the mandate from towards a more-left movement, is still a center-right country. Oh yeah, and he's killed more commies than cancer, and he's beaten cancer a couple of times, too. Despite your loss at the hands of democracy, I salute you, Old Man River.
-Zack Stovall

Who do you think deserves the Izzy Mandelbaum Award for Accomplishments by Senior Citizens? Vote now in the comment section and let your voice be heard. God speed.

Sincerely,
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs