Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

So the Super Bowl happened and it was a really good game. You had a big lead, some key injuries, dropped passes, a comeback, intrigue, guts, all that crap. It was good stuff.

But of course, this isn't what you're lead to believe you need to be talking about today.

Did you HEAR Christina Aguilera's butchering of the National Anthem? That Vader commercial I saw online last week was UPROARIOUS! THAT MOVIE LOOKS PRETTY OKAY! I didn't know the Black Eyed Peas could sing and dance?! THAT WAS PRETTY OKAY TOO!

The Super Bowl is remarkable in that if there weren't a football game going on, you'd still get about half the viewing audience. People who don't care about football - AND THERE ARE SEVERAL - still watch it, and tell the same tired "Why is this football game getting in the way of my commercials? Oh, Carol in the office and I are JUST A HOOT! WE SAID THAT LIKE EIGHT TIMES THIS WEEK IN THE OFFICE! YEAH, CAROL WORKS WITH ME!"

So this is a free range poopscapade today: Best/Most Agreeable Football Distraction, Worst/Least Agreeable Football Distraction, best off the field moment, worst off the field moment, etc. etc. Basically, what was your least or most favorite part of yesterday other than the football.

Because if you're reading this website, I likely already know what you thought of the game, as most of it is due to empirical facts, like completion percentages and turnover margins.

Mine? This joke: "Brett Favre's penis is rolling over in its cave right now." Thank you, Fabrice Fabrice.

Silver Medal: Casey Matthews having a Championship Belt made for Rodgers before the game. Most would've called that a jinx.

Bronze Medal: People flipping out about the Kardashian Sketchers ShapeUps commercial. I say "people" but I mean the uberconservative Bible Belt types I grew up with and have somehow become Facebook friends with. To them I say HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shit storm! Commence!

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

I woke up early this morning, made some of the FINEST coffee you've never dreamed of tasting, and sat in some of the FINEST LINENS that Cracker Barrell's gift shoppe can provide. Which, as we all know, IS CONSIDERABLE.

Turning on ESPN, as I do most morning to catch up on all of the sports I didn't have time to watch throughout the weekend (there are CRACKERS to be BARRELLED, PEOPLE), I saw the headline "BAD BLOOD IN DENVER" and immediately presumed there would be fisticuffs worth sitting through a Meril Hodge analysis of anything (guuuuh).

Shame on me, Mr. Hobbs. Shame on me.

No, nothing really happened. If you're a big college football fan, Tim Tebow threw and rushed for a touchdown. Denver won, but it wasn't like a blow out or anything. But nary a drop of bad bloodshed that I had been led to believe. The "bad blood" to what the Entertainment Sports Programming Network was referring? Coaches Haley and McDaniel...(record scratch) DID NOT SHAKE HANDS.

ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS; THERE IS IMPOLITENESS AFOOT!

For this MMSS, get some new traditions of showmanship for your favorite sport. I've already discussed IN GREAT DETAIL my affinity for cake and its use in traditions, such as the winning coach getting to throw some in the losing coach's face. You know, to break the tension. Cake scenarios aside (BECAUSE THEY ALL WIN), I'd like for the captains to determine terms and conditions during the meeting for the coin toss, like a battle out of Braveheart. "Yes, if we win, we control the AFC East, but also, your coach must put his head between his legs and kiss his own arse."

Or something like that. New traditions, ya'll. NEW SCHOOL. Hobbers: COMMENCE.

Broncos QB Simms Recognized Outside of Team Activity

DENVER, Co. - While at a Denny's on Monday afternoon, Broncos reserve quarterback Chris Simms was recognized by another patron of the restuarant without Simms having to explain his role on the team, or his college and professional history.

"He was like 'You're Chris Simms, right?' and I was like 'Sure am,'" Simms told reporters. "He wasn't my waiter; he couldn't have seen my ID or debit card or anything. He just knew who I was.

"Pretty awesome if you ask me, which he did, by the way."

The recognizer, Bill Daniels, 41, stated that he recognized the quarterback, but couldn't figure out why.

"I think it was because of his dad?," said Daniels. "I lived in Austin for awhile, but that was when Major Applewhite was there. Speaking of, you know he's a coach now, right? I bet he's great."

Police records obtained by GRH later verified that Daniels had gotten into a fender bender with the erstwhile journeyman Simms in August.

Irish Faithful Coast-to-Coast Split On Future Coach Decision

The undisputed champion of storied programs in the history of college football is the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. However, the luster of the franchise has diminished greatly in the past fifteen or so years - years mired in mediocrity and unfulfilled expectations.

In light of the recent firing of head coach Charlie Weis, fans of Notre Dame football, being one of a handful of vaunted programs with a national fanbase, all over the U.S. are struggling to come up with a consensus on who should be the next head coach of the winningest program in the history of college football.

The Ghost of Roy Hobbs has collected samples of testimonies from this diverse fan base:
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Dom Manetti, Bratwurst Vendor, Chicago, IL: I think dey should get should get somebuhday with values we gots here in the Midwest. Yous bozos may or may not be aware of a certain coach whose dedication to da storied Midwestern values a beerah, brahts, and morbid obesity took an oistwhile (sic: erstwhile) Kansas Jayhawak team to da Orahnge Bowl and onward to vicory. Weis was good, but dat batched heart surgery took a lot out of him, made him lose about farty pounds a so. But Mangino da Hero? He's da typeaguy who can push through bout fitty pounds a prime braht on a game day. And with are recruits? Day gonna call day Orahnge Bowl da Braht Bowl come 2012.

Delmer Q. Lawnmower, Ditch Attendent, Latham, MS: WOOO! WE GOT US A NASHUNAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN HOTLANTA! S-E-C! S-E-C! YOU KNOW IT, BOY YOU KNOW! Nevermind my Rebels and my Irish didn't make it to the SEC Championship, we got that fish-eatin' sumbitch URBAN MEYER cummin to Notre Dame next year! He done already said was his dream job! His favorite Jesus boy Timmy Tebow, God love him, is gon be smashin' faces in the NFL next year, an if he's the upstandin, Chrissean he don spossa be, he gon convince URBAN MEYER to be our coach next year! Gaw-lee, with our recruits we gon win a bunch a dem SEC championships in a row! S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! SUCK MY BUTT OHIO STATE!

Anders Higgenbotham, CFO, Boston, MA: I believe the only coaching official worthy of coaching the much-ballyhooed and adept Fighting Irishmen of Notre Dame Our Mother is someone who has already proven his ability and worth to uphold the lofty standards therein. It should be Louis Holtz, for sure. He has already won national titles with the Irish and, from his deft and cogent and audible analysis on my ESPNHD, seems to still be sharp as a tack. He will bring with him a mass of faithful recruits, coupled with the already staunchly loaded classes the fine University already summons at will, our beloved alma mater will be simply tyrannical in their onslaught of the rest of the collegiate football dullards. Notre Dame deserves no less than the best.

Manetti: I have jus been informed by one Mangino da hero dat he, if he accepts da position, saints willing, would love to sponser Manetti's Brahts pending his taste approval! I have sent him a pallet of our best hahlliday brahts for his consumption, and am confident of his approval. You are welcome, Irish faithful.

Jack Swarbrick, Jr., student, South Bend, IN: My daddy is coaching Nottre Dame. He would be a good coach for Notter Dame. He thinks Notter Dame is good so i think Notter dame is good. The old coach has to be Stan Satan Santa this year my daddy said, but my daddy is not Santa so my daddy can be coach. My mommy laffed at me when i told old coach i want wii games for my wii for krissmass but new Santa just frownd but mall santa said he would. my daddy says kids who are going to play at Notter Dame r guud so my daddy can cowch them. i like number 8 the best because my number is 8 in tee ball and i be 8 on my nex birfday. Tel Stan Satan Santa I want wii games.

Delmer: You no whut? I'm not so sure we oughta be puttin all our eggs into this URBAN MEYER basket. Why on earth would he leave un S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C team like them Florida Gators? I think we oughta get us somebody who ain't doin' nothing. That Tommy Tuberville might be pretty awesome! Went undefeated! Won him some SEC Championships! I bet he can get em there again.

Anthony "Tony" Lattendresse, Movie Critic, Dayton, OH: I've known about Notre Dame for most of my life, but have loved them since 1993. It's the ultimate place where dreams can come true. I mean, even if you're undersized, somewhat dim-witted, and don't have the backing/respect of your friends and family, you can still get lifted onto the shoulders of your teammates, but not since 1975. All you need is one friend, a black guy to let you sleep in the Notre Dame locker room, and a friend to die in a violent and firey explosion to motivate you. Notre Dame is awesome for all of those things. They should get Rudy to do it. Rudy would be good. Not Rudy Guliani, but the other Rudy.

Higgenbotham: I was just told that, medically speaking anyway, Lou Holtz is braindead, almost completely paralyzed from the waist down, and suffers from a lisp and tourette's syndrome. Assuredly, the vaunted coach Ara Parsegian could be convinced of the necessity of a triumphant homecoming? Surely he must see the err of his ways, leaving his beloved University in the hands of a capable, yet un-Parsegian Dan Devine. Greatness awaits in the hallows of antiquity, eh chums?

Ron Jaworski and Mike Turico, Football Analysts, Bristol, CT: Jon Gruden. Get Jon Gruden to South Bend right now. Seriously, he needs to be there because...he's a good coach. And he DOES not have rabid body odor. If you can get past the hair cut, the lack of originality, and the way he sits on stools with his knees as far apart as is geometrically possible, with his junk just hanging out there, he'll be one of the best coaches Holy Cross, I mean, Notre Dame ever had. Seriously, get this guy out of here. Get him to wherever you're proposing he go. I'm sure he'll do great, whatever. Just go.

Lattendresse: You know, the movie Rudy was the debut of actor Vince Vaughn? He'd be pretty good. He's already a big fan, and I'm sure would do well. He's a smooth talker who's quick on his feet. Maybe he and Jon Favreau, who played Rudy's friend, D-Bob, could collaborate, with Favreau directing the game plan and Vaughn executing it to perfection. Those three guys, real Rudy, Vaughn, and Favreau, would be awesome. But not Sean Astin. He's all yuppy since Lord of the Rings.

Manetti: Mangino just had a heart attack when I was on da horn widhim and guess what. He ain't dead. He's still kickin' and told me about an awesome play he thought up while his eyes were closed in pain. It's a double-end around with a third-guy in a wildcat who just cuts up the middle like a wreckin' ball. BRILLIANT? BRILLIANT. Who wants some more brahts?

Delmer: If we're goin' for big ole boys who ain't doin nothin, why not Phil Fulmer? Wouldn't even have to get him new clothes, just wash the gravy stains off Weis' sweatshirts and boom! SEC Champion Notre Dame Fightin' Irish! That's got a rang to it.

Higgenbotham: Despite my numerous fiduciary advances to coach Parsegian, he is unwilling to acquiece to my request. Therefore I am proposing to ask the vaunted Notre Dame biology department to unearth the chared and mangled remains of Knute Rockne and recessitate him, post haste! There isn't much time, he was after all in a plane crash in the early 20th century, but he's Notre Dame's last hope. I would love to see the look on that playboy Peter Carroll's face at the sight of that!

Swarbrick, Jr.: i like jesus and he shud be coach if my daddy can't. Jesus, can you get me some wii games.

Delmer: S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C!

Manetti: BRAHTS!

Higgenbotham: TRADITION!

Jaworski and Turico: We're each seriously going to shoot ourselves in the face if you guys don't hire Jon Gruden.

Barack Obama Early Favorite to Win Heisman Trophy

WASHINGTON -- Amassing a stellar personal record of gamesmanship, President Barack Obama, a true freshman from the University of Illinois, is projected to be the heavy-favorite for the coveted Heisman Trophy halfway through the college football season.

While the 6'1-1/2" WR has left much to be desired in terms of yards, receptions, touchdowns and blocks, fans say his lack of fumbles, penalties and dropped balls are a testament to the gritty determination of the Fighting Illini's heart and soul.

"He's a proven leader, much like that Tim Tebow guy," said sports analyst Kirk Herbstriet. "His words are as dazzling as his stats. I mean, he hasn't dropped one ball all year? That's a winner in my book. Plus, his determination and will-to-win are second to none.

"He's really brought about a change in the culture of college football, and that prose of his can really fire a team up."

Heisman voters agree that while it may seem premature to give a mere freshman the most prized award in all of college football while not having much to show for it yet, voters are excited about the prospects that 'yet' may yield.

"I mean, he could be the best wide receiver ever!," said Heisman voter Brent Musburger. "The best ever. You gotta think he's going to follow through with all this."

Others remain skeptical, claiming hype over production does not a Heisman-winner make.

"He hasn't really, uh, done anything yet," said known racist and QB-advocate Matt Leinart, winner of the 2005 Heisman Trophy. "Why'd you write 'racist' next to my name?"

Obama and Illini Coach Ron Zook had yet to make a statement about the early-morning revelation, as Obama is the President of the Student Body and has been busy dealing with a ruling on hazing violations in the Alpha Tau Omega House, as well as the Iranian Nuclear crisis.

Heralded Five-Star Recruit Hired By Disney To Enroll in Culinary School

SEATTLE, Wash. - Coltrane High School's prized five-star wide receiver, rising senior Jevon Locke, announced at a press conference today that instead of accepting one of the numerous Division I scholarships he has been offered and will enroll in L'Ecole De Luminaire, a local culinary school where he hopes to "find (himself) and the true meaning of friendship."

"I'm a kid from the wrong side of the tracks," said Locke. "I've never used anything but my athletic talents to get by. But now that's all about to change when I go to...culinary school?!"

"We've been developing this for about twelve years now, and this kid is the one," said Disney creative director Ernest Reinhart, speaking to reporters over a sound system playing Baha Men's Who Let the Dogs Out? at the presser. "Here's a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who's never used anything but his athletic talents to get by. Now he'll find out what friendship really means and who he really is."

"We literally had no writers or animators interested in writing that, plus we decided that true stories do better in the box office, so we got this kid for about a hundred grand," said Reinhart. "And if this one doesn't work out, naturally, we'll just kill him and get another kid."

Locke said he had "no freakin' comment" since this was the stage at which he was cocky and answering to no one, but kindly offered reporters an opportunity to interview him after he had changed his misguided ways, thanks to his ugly, unpopular and undexterous friends, to be named later.

ESPN, owned by Disney Inc., is said to already be producing Sportcenter clips featuring Stuart Scott and Emeril having a "hilarious Booyah!/Bam!-off" as well as putting the logo on the home plates of every major league ball park in the country.

Point/Counterpoint on Michael Oher biopic 'The Blind Side'

Stovall: The trailer for the new film The Blind Side has been released. It stars Sandra Bullock and a litany of other actors.

Icehouse: Based on the book by Michael Lewis of the same name, it appears to be some director's attempt to piggyback the next big thing, which is apparently anything Michael Lewis does (even though Moneyball just got axed).

Stovall: It's the compelling story of a large, socially offputting African-American boy and his struggles on the street. Just spitballing here, but I think he goes to Ole Miss, wrecks house, and gets drafted in the first round, now able to buy thousands and thousands of the beds he could never have afforded growing up.

Icehouse: The book begins with an explanation of the psyches of adults that grew up in unfortunate circumstance. This discussion is based on fears that these men probably did not encounter while devoid of a normal childhood. It then shifts to explain recent trend in the NFL landscape to value defensive ends, and therefore their counterparts, offensive tackles. Essentially, the tackle must counteract the end, thus protecting the quarterback's blindside. Get it? Football begets football in the book.

Apparently, The beginning of this movie is a platinum-bleached half-assed mom who won't clean up after her kids and can't cook for shit.

Stovall: It looks uplifting enough. Maybe not my cup of tea, but I'm pretty sure this might affect some people in a positive way, like Remember the Titans, or Lucas.

Icehouse: They used "How to save a life" by The Fray in their trailer. How lame can you possibly be? They waited for something to be so played out that it is featured on Scrubs, then wait three years, THEN puts it into their movie trailer.

Stovall: I'm not concerned with Sandra Bullock being the star of a film about football. She's a more than capable actress, and pretty easy on the eye's as well. Joan Rivers would be one thing, Meg Ryan even, but I have to think that the romantic interest of Speed could handle the wear and tear of the gridiron.

Icehouse: Bullock's character is a strong person in the book. A central character? Maybe. But this is about how NCAA recruiting has become a business of tracking in human flesh. The coaches see nothing but an enormous prototype that is light on his feet. The entire family (not just the mom, but the younger son and teenage daughter) get to learn Mike Oher's humanity in the process of the journey to stardom.

Stovall: It'll be interesting to see the racial complexities of such a story. Social stigmas being what they are, I think it could translate very well to numerous audiences.

Icehouse: This movie could be an exploration into the problems and inequalities making current conditions and 'stigmas' the way they are. It could bring people together. Instead I think I'm looking at "suburbanite woman's life becomes complete when she finally earns the respect of the country club." It makes me want to vomit.

Stovall: And plus, I love me some football crashes. They big time booms to ever tackle to make it seem harder. When I walked past Gridiron Gang, starring the Rock (want to make it very clear, I walked by, did not go in), it sounded like Pearl Harbor.

Icehouse: Oh, there's football in this movie? That's funny. I didn't notice. I DID see Sandra Bullock on a field surrounded by boys in football pads. HOW FUCKING INTENSE COULD THAT PRACTICE BE?!

Stovall: I'll be very interested to see this film.

Icehouse: I'm currently stockpiling fertilizer, and am planning on driving a Uhaul full of the stuff, fermented into bomb-quality, into the studio on the day of this piece of shit's release. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YOU!

Where Would Vick End Up Based On Fansanity?

Oh my blog! Zack's not writing purely satirical musings that are so random it can't be described as hit-or-miss, but more like run over by a car-or-slip into a diabetic coma? No way! This must be something groundbreakingly interesting!

Wrong on all counts. I'm just that bored.

I'm thinking about this whole Michael Vick thing. It's one of those universal concepts that even arouses the minds of the most lackluster fans of football and sports in general. Should a player who's done something as egregious as Vick be allowed to play again? The consensus seems to be 'yes,' as far as the Trier of Men's Souls Roger Goodell would say.

But now ya gotta find a place to stick him, Sally.

Now there are obvious hurdles. Nobody couldn't use many consider to be the most electrifying player in the game. By the time you get to the professional level, you rarely see a guy you have to watch every single play because he could very likely score. That's Pop Warner stuff, like the kid who hits puberty two years before everyone else. And, Vick will likely be a monetary steal. It's a win-win in that regard.

I don't think that any team right now lacks the offensive talent to pick up Michael Vick. This is the NFL we're talking about. While many would look to the Raiders, Lions and maybe Titans as the most likely candidate due to such a dearth, I'm unconvinced it is so.

One has to consider the fans and your teams' respective fan base. Anybody who thinks that PeTA doesn't have an armed, mobile unit ready to deploy and reside in any city whose NFL team decides to take the chance on Vick is as dumb as a warm jar of mayonnaise. I can feel their anger now. Heck, there are plenty regular people who don't cover themselves in blood and urine for a living who might think that this Vick guy ought not be making millions to play football.

The team that selects Michael Vick is going to have to have a fan base on the two far ends of the Fansanity Spectrum: the most blindly devoted band of morally unconscious, drunken die hards one could ever encounter OR a population that is barely aware that a professional football team even exists in their state or region, and when they notice that their city is playing, ask questions like "Who won the match?"

Basically, my theory is that in order for Vick to be a profitable catch, the team in question is either going to have be able to weather the storm without a lot of dissent from the devoted or have a net effect of zero difference, because the fans don't show up anyway.

The comment section is open to any other theories, proffering, amendments or complaints, but these are my selections.

STRONG FANSANITY:

Dallas — There aren't a lot of state's big enough to hold two football teams. There aren't a lot of teams that can take all of the fans from that state away from the other team. There aren't a lot of teams that have been deemed "America's Team" to little or no complaint. Dallas encompasses all of these things.

This isn't necessarily homerism, although, by KSK law, Man can only have one team and must hate all others, and with the close ties between Dallas and Arkansas (proximity and alumni), the Boys are a natural fit. I don't know of other team who could look at a guy like Vick, take a swig of Shinerbock, and then tell you all the reasons that not only is this the right move for the Boys, but why Mike Vick is a stand-up guy, why you're not and why you're about to be punched in the face.

Boom. Faced.

New England — Anti-Homerism is a temptation, but I shall decline. New England fans are mad crazy. And drunk. Whether is the Sawx, the Celtics or Tawmmy and Tracy's kid playin' down by the docks in that hockey league (CHECK THE BASTAHD OR WALK HOME TIMMY! /POW! GET UP, TRACY!), these guys will get behind anything their respective skippers tell them to.

And if any skipper has consented to using seemingly nefarious tactics in order to hedge his bets, it's Bill Belichick and his Cape of Doom. Not that using Michael Vick on a team is or should be illegal, constitutes cheating or anything like that, but if there's somebody who wants to win and couldn't give a bucket full of poo and barf about what you, me, PeTA or anybody thinks about it, it's that evil, sinister, twisted man.

Despite the high level of affluent white people in New England, they'll just drink until he becomes favorable in their eyes. That's what they do with their wives, anyway.

Pittsburgh — I can't think of a more devoted fan base out of sheer boredom. What in God's name is there to do in Pittsburgh other than marvel at Wanstadt's mustache, laugh at that baseball team, and cheer for the Steelers. Mike would do well by default; not only am I convinced that their primary income is borne on the backs of animals, like in the 19th century, but I'm not entirely convinced they've ever heard of Michael Vick.

As long as he got along with Roethlisberger, it'd all be gravy. And they'd run PeTA down a mine shaft and push the "implode" button.

WEAK SAUCE FANSANITY:

Buffalo — Good for them that they're at least trying to break stereotypes. They've added some flavor over the years, with Marshawn, Lee Evans, and most recently T.O. But frankly, three teams is too much for one state, and everyone knows that part of New York barely qualifies as any semblance of an advanced civilization. It has all the familiar symptoms of Canada (shudder). No one would care if Vick slid in to the Buff. So long as he didn't ruffle any feathers at the VFW on Thursday nights, the much ballyhooed Bingo Night, he'd be safe.

Buccaneers/Dolphins — Nobody likes South Florida because nobody knows where South Florida has been. This dirty, seething, infested wang of America is way too busy trafficking drugs and venereal diseases to care about football that's not involving Dan Marino. He could come and sweat in the Landshark Stadium (Jimmy!) or that one with the boat, but quite frankly, all of those people would think it's too hot to go out to watch football. Plus, they're all Jets fans, anyway.

Houston — Remember how I was talking about Dallas usurping all worthy fansanity, leaving nothing but the lepers to cheer for the other team? Welcome to the colony. The biggest headline the Texans ever got was not selecting Reggie Bush. Sure, that turned out to be a very wise decision, but bad news travels better than good, and no one remembers that one defensive or offensive lineman (I can't remember which) being better than Reggie "Hollywood" Bush. They'll just remember how good Reggie Bush used to be, and how dumb they thought you were. Getting Michael Vick would have the weird, backward, inbred reaction that you'd expect from a Houston family reunion. It would result in utter confusion, followed by someone having sex with someone they weren't supposed to.

Basically, Houston's got a lot more problems than bringing on No. 7.

FANSANITY DEPLETED:

Baltimore/Cinncinnati — I could just see him going to either of these places because they know how to deal with folks who have been in the pokey. Make your own soap/rope jokes.

Mike Vick Lands On Pet Beagle's Head After Freak Accident Seconds After Release From House Arrest

HAMPTON, Va. — Mere seconds after his release, former NFL quarterback Mike Vick is back in the "dog house" after walking out of his home, tripping on a stray pebble, and landing on a passerby's beloved pet beagle, Barkley, killing the animal nearly instantly.

"Dang it," said Vick, according to a police report.

Jogging enthusiast Shauna Robertson, owner of Barkley, said that she knew the former superstar was trouble the minute he walked out.

"He had this crazy look about him! He was saying something about 'Free at last,' and Oh! He killed Barkley," cried Robertson, who intends to press charges.

"'Free to KILL AGAIN at last is more like it," sobbed Robertson.

Attorneys for Vick say that Barkley was the victim of a happenstance, and that gravity and the pebble are the culprits.

No word on what Roger Goodell thinks of this latest fold in the Michael-Vick-being-crazy-and-killing-animals-like-a-psycho(TM) saga.

Coaches Brown, Carroll, and Meyer Flock Emergency Room at Mention of Ross/Richard Offspring

AUSTIN — In what many are calling a completely sane and well-thought out move by some of college football's best and brightest, Texas coach Mac Brown, USC coach Pete Carroll and Florida coach Urban Meyer are patiently waiting outside an emergency room believed to be occupied by former UT athletic standouts Aaron Ross and Sonia Richards' newborn infant.

"I think we're at a place in our organization where we're ready to sign him," said Carroll. "Whatever his name ends up being, that is."

Brown said that he trusted the couples Longhorn roots would bring the coveted prospect back home to Austin.

"Fact of the matter is, he's a game changer. We'd sure love to have him in that beautiful burnt orange," said Brown. "Game. Changer."

Meyer said that he thought Florida could host the talented recruit, given the family's medical history with Gator QB Tim Tebow, who has already offered to circumcise the five-star athlete.

"It's crazy to think how good this kid will be, not only on the field, due to his parents, but off the field, due to Timmy being the first person he'll ever see and get a high five from," said Meyer.

Ross and Richards — who both have received a bevy of accolades for their own athletic achievements — say they feel blessed to have such a talented offspring, and look forward to a graceful ascent toward the upper echelon of first tier athletics.

"It's great. I'm so proud of all he's accomplished," said Ross.

Illinois Coach Ron Zook was spotted waiting outside the emergency room with NCAA banned-lollipops and other delicious and distracting paraphernalia.

Olympic Discus Tossers Blame, Pummel Those Associated with 'Ultimate,' 'Frolf'

MADISON, Wis. — The International Association of Discus Tossers has forgone levying a formal complaint with the IOC and gone straight to fist-fighting members of any associations or groups that participate in 'Ultimate Frisbee' or 'Frolf,' also known as 'Frisbee Golf.'

"I've had it up to here (lifts arm to swollen, muscular shoulder but no further) with these hippy, college punks tossing their little Frisbees hither and thither, all willy nilly," said Unger Rwowski, spokesman for the IADT as well a silver medal finalist in the '96 Atlanta games.

"It's bad enough that they don't spin around and around before they chuck," said Rwowski. "It's disgraceful and we're putting an end to it now."

Rwowski said he wouldn't comment further on the IADT's strategy while targeting the mostly college-age players of the Frisbee recreational sport, but a big bulletin board behind him spelled out the organization's plan in an all capital-letter, misspelled and three step plan:

1. FIND HIPPEEZ, DOOSHBAGS, POSERS ET AL
2. BEAT UP HIPPEEZ, MAKIN SHURE U SPIN FIST ROUND AND AROUND BEFOR PUNCHNG
3. TAKE HIPPEES GURLfriENS AND THROW STUFF

Local college campuses everywhere are taking added precautions to insuring the discus tossers are kept off of campus grasses at all times, while security is having a tough time watching the Frisbee games, as they are often spontaneous and prone to avoiding authority types.

A-Rod Ultimately to Blame for Manny Testing Positive For Performance Enhancing Drugs

SUNNYVILLE, Fla. — Alex Rodriguez, the beguiled and admittedly juiced Yankees 3B, had no comment to allegation that Manny Ramirez had indeed tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, which is undoubtedly the fault of A-Rod, who is currently rehabbing in Florida from an injury incurred while dog fighting.

A-Rod cowardly denied any involvement with the former Red Sox slugger, despite a number of allegations that he is in fact to blame.

"I have no f***ing idea what you're talking about," said a tear-soaked and obviously guilty Rodriguez.

The reporter, disgusted with the Yankee's obvious disdain and irreverence toward the game of baseball, turned away to vomit.

The hapless and down-right-happy-go-lucky Manny Ramirez said he believes A-Rod betrayed him and the game itself when he himself tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

"Is just Manny being Manny," the slugger said through a bright and wide grin, causing all of the reporters to chuckle, guffaw, and get autographs.

Commissioner Bud Selig applauded the effort of the investigative team that followed the bread crumbs from Ramirez's positive testing back to A-Rod.

"I was honestly a little worried back there for a bit," said Selig. "I didn't think that we had enough evidence to connect the dots and pin the guy (A-Rod) down, that a-hole.

"I'm just glad justice is being served."

Manny was erroneously suspended for 50 games instead of A-Rod, yet tragically, as soon as he was cleared of the suspension, he pulled a hammy and will sit for the next 50 games anyway. Reports that Mark McGuire may be behind the injury are still pending.

Source Tells ESPN's Chris Mortensen Majority of Titans Are 'Bunch of Dumb Stupid Fartface Bullies'

NASHVILLE — An unnamed source close to the Tennessee Titans organization told ESPN's Chris Mortensen that several members of the team are "a bunch of dumb, stupid fartface bullies."

Mortensen broke the news shortly after returning to his home studio in Fayetteville, Arkansas, after a phone call with the source.

"Apparently, the team requires some rookie members to pick up garbage around the stadium, haul starters' luggage, and do wall-sits for an extended period of time," said the ESPN analyst.

"They also have to do bows-and-toes on the team bleachers."

The source also said that during throwing drills, other teammates exclaim "WEEEE!!!" after every pass certain quarterbacks make, and that several of the players act like "total jerks."

Vikings Brass Freaking Out That Best QB on Their Roster is Named 'Sage Rosenfels'

MINNEAPOLIS — In what most in the Vikings front office thought was an "obvious joke," the 2009 NFL Draft has come and gone with no quarterbacks taken in any rounds by Minnesota.

"I mean, we really pooped the bed on this one," said one officer in the Vikings camp. "I'd dust off my resume, but I'm fairly certain we're all done for."

"I mean, Coach Childress slouched in and put the names on the bulletin board," said star running back Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson. "I felt like someone kicked me in the back of the inside of my stomach with a knifeboot."

"How am I supposed to possibly survive?," rightfully whimpered the doomed Sooner.

Even the QBs in the organization were bewildered that they would have to go through a belittling and career-ending starting carousel throughout the season, without the benefit of having a youngblood, hot-shot talent taking their jobs.

"I mean, I was looking forward to riding the pine and at least maintaining a shred of credibility that I might be able to play," said former USC starter John David Booty. "Now? I'm definitely about to lose money getting thrown to the wolves about game eight."

"Good-bye retirement. Hello insurance agency applicaiton."

Coach Brad Childress was available and willing for comment, but reporters were unable to discern his drunken and unintelligble babble from anything resembling a human thought.

Friday Afternoon Funbag!

I guess you didn't hear, but Icehouse was arrested late last night for being too awesome and revered. And likely shirtless.

So Lattimer and I have teamed up to give you the weekly and much ballyhooed Friday Afternoon Funbag.

We hope to live up to it's honored tradition. Reigning AL MVP Dustin "Luckily I Play a Sport That Requires Hats to Cover My Balding Head" Pedroia is clearly pumped about it.

Frankly, I'm tired of being nice now. Let's do this mother and get out, because it's Friday and I've got the itch.

We here at the Ghost don't much care for ESPN. We do, however, care a great deal about Norm "October?" Macdonald. Here is his legendary 1998 ESPY awards monologue. It's worth skipping work to watch.

And just to make sure we cover all of our pertinent Billy Madison bases, this lady called the shit 'poop.'

Like guns? Don't like pesky and "reasonable" legislation that keeps you from purchasing a gun? Like crazy honkies who have definitely killed someone as a direct result of their negligence? Then this guy is for you.

The imitable Ron Burgundy sharpens his journalistic prowess on UNC Coach Roy "Not the NFL Guys" Williams.

Ron Burgundy Interviews Roy Williams (UNC) from Ron Burgundy

Thumbs up to my good buddy Lance Turner. LT and I have been on TV together and we've each done our share of radio bits in the Natural State. We usually sound something like this.

Old People Playing Sports is as Humorous as it is Uplifting.

Yeah. So. That's it. Get out there and be somebody.

Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.Holla.

Roger Goodell: Trier of Men's Souls

"I think it's clear he's paid a price, but to a large extent he's going to have to demonstrate to the larger community — not just to the NFL community and to me — that he has remorse for what he did and that he recognizes mistakes that he made."

Roger Goodell, the heavy-handed commissioner of the National Football League, is already being asked for his musings on the highest-profile case that he has seen or will likely see in his commissioning tenure.

With Michael Vick set to be released from prison just in time for the opening days of NFL training camps. The Atlanta Falcons, who still retain his rights, are saying he'll be up for grabs. With 31 teams who could not only use a specimen like Michael Vick, but a Michael Vick who has been doing nothing but thinking and lifting weights (pick which one he does better), it's a safe bet that there are more than a handful of teams who would be willing to fork over the extra money to install some fire-hoses to ward of the PeTA protesters who would surely bombard their respective stadium.

They'll be all over that Mike Vick.

But hold those horses! Goodell says that the court ordered paying of debts, both monetary and punitive, may not be enough. Goodell is saying that the single most explosive player isn't going to be able to waltz in like he owns the place anymore. He is going to have to pay even more. He is going to be weighed on a scale more mighty and fearsome than any judicial system known to man.

He's going to have to tell Goodell that he's sorry. And he's going to have to mean it.

The most omniscient Goodell will try the man's soul. He will look into his very heart and determine the sincerity of his words. All will hail his magnanimous judgment for it will be good. It will be just. It will be politically correct. This man who has been living behind bars had better be grateful for the millions he may or may not get back, and he had better not be lying about it.

Because this is the NFL. We don't take kindly to people who lie and get caught.

Caption Contest!

Hobbers, it's an uncharted day today: RICKY RANDOM CAPTION CONTEST!

No celebrity athletes today, folks. This picture, I thought was too good to pass up. For added pleasure, just think about what these two goons are probably doing today: Working at Enterprise Rent-a-car and living at home, still keeping in touch with Ty Willingham.

Jersey: So that pretty much ruins 90% of your activities for your weekend, eh?
Sweatshirt: No, I'm a switch hitter.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: You should see the other guy.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: I found my Dad's Atari, and it's got a joy stick like this.
Jersey: Wow.

Sweatshirt: There's a better chance of me playing with this cast than of you playing at 100%.
Jersey: Wow....I mean, yeah...

I implore you. Please do better than I did.

Hey What's Up

Hey Hobbers I'm Chief Kickingstallionsims, well that's a lie. My real name is Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims, Jr. I'm a 7'1 center for the Alabama State University hornets, and I'm here to remind you that we play against Morehead State tonight for the right to go to the tournament and get stomped by Louisville. I'm really excited.

Lattimer also wanted me to remind you about the GRH bracket pool. It's totally free, and totally awesome.

Vitals:
Yahoo
ID # 85273
Password: grh

I already see there is a bracket called "Alabama St. all the way"

Awesome!!!