Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm!

I woke up early this morning, made some of the FINEST coffee you've never dreamed of tasting, and sat in some of the FINEST LINENS that Cracker Barrell's gift shoppe can provide. Which, as we all know, IS CONSIDERABLE.

Turning on ESPN, as I do most morning to catch up on all of the sports I didn't have time to watch throughout the weekend (there are CRACKERS to be BARRELLED, PEOPLE), I saw the headline "BAD BLOOD IN DENVER" and immediately presumed there would be fisticuffs worth sitting through a Meril Hodge analysis of anything (guuuuh).

Shame on me, Mr. Hobbs. Shame on me.

No, nothing really happened. If you're a big college football fan, Tim Tebow threw and rushed for a touchdown. Denver won, but it wasn't like a blow out or anything. But nary a drop of bad bloodshed that I had been led to believe. The "bad blood" to what the Entertainment Sports Programming Network was referring? Coaches Haley and McDaniel...(record scratch) DID NOT SHAKE HANDS.


For this MMSS, get some new traditions of showmanship for your favorite sport. I've already discussed IN GREAT DETAIL my affinity for cake and its use in traditions, such as the winning coach getting to throw some in the losing coach's face. You know, to break the tension. Cake scenarios aside (BECAUSE THEY ALL WIN), I'd like for the captains to determine terms and conditions during the meeting for the coin toss, like a battle out of Braveheart. "Yes, if we win, we control the AFC East, but also, your coach must put his head between his legs and kiss his own arse."

Or something like that. New traditions, ya'll. NEW SCHOOL. Hobbers: COMMENCE.


  1. I like the swapping of jerseys after soccer games. I say American football does that, and then promptly BURNS their opponents jersey.

  2. The victory donuts that Nascar drivers do. Everybody should do donuts. Even the busted up cars. Just hop in, cut the wheel and floor it.

  3. When a team loses they should throw a pie in the face of the coach. Similar to the victory Gatorade dump but help to really salt the wound.

  4. Whoever sucks the most has to buy their own bus ticket home. No plane flight for you, goat!

  5. What tradions may come, let come, but not that thing that Eurosoccer leagues do where they walk out holding the hands of children.

    That's really, really creepy.