In light of the recent firing of head coach Charlie Weis, fans of Notre Dame football, being one of a handful of vaunted programs with a national fanbase, all over the U.S. are struggling to come up with a consensus on who should be the next head coach of the winningest program in the history of college football.
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs has collected samples of testimonies from this diverse fan base:
Dom Manetti, Bratwurst Vendor, Chicago, IL: I think dey should get should get somebuhday with values we gots here in the Midwest. Yous bozos may or may not be aware of a certain coach whose dedication to da storied Midwestern values a beerah, brahts, and morbid obesity took an oistwhile (sic: erstwhile) Kansas Jayhawak team to da Orahnge Bowl and onward to vicory. Weis was good, but dat batched heart surgery took a lot out of him, made him lose about farty pounds a so. But Mangino da Hero? He's da typeaguy who can push through bout fitty pounds a prime braht on a game day. And with are recruits? Day gonna call day Orahnge Bowl da Braht Bowl come 2012.
Delmer Q. Lawnmower, Ditch Attendent, Latham, MS: WOOO! WE GOT US A NASHUNAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN HOTLANTA! S-E-C! S-E-C! YOU KNOW IT, BOY YOU KNOW! Nevermind my Rebels and my Irish didn't make it to the SEC Championship, we got that fish-eatin' sumbitch URBAN MEYER cummin to Notre Dame next year! He done already said was his dream job! His favorite Jesus boy Timmy Tebow, God love him, is gon be smashin' faces in the NFL next year, an if he's the upstandin, Chrissean he don spossa be, he gon convince URBAN MEYER to be our coach next year! Gaw-lee, with our recruits we gon win a bunch a dem SEC championships in a row! S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! SUCK MY BUTT OHIO STATE!
Anders Higgenbotham, CFO, Boston, MA: I believe the only coaching official worthy of coaching the much-ballyhooed and adept Fighting Irishmen of Notre Dame Our Mother is someone who has already proven his ability and worth to uphold the lofty standards therein. It should be Louis Holtz, for sure. He has already won national titles with the Irish and, from his deft and cogent and audible analysis on my ESPNHD, seems to still be sharp as a tack. He will bring with him a mass of faithful recruits, coupled with the already staunchly loaded classes the fine University already summons at will, our beloved alma mater will be simply tyrannical in their onslaught of the rest of the collegiate football dullards. Notre Dame deserves no less than the best.
Manetti: I have jus been informed by one Mangino da hero dat he, if he accepts da position, saints willing, would love to sponser Manetti's Brahts pending his taste approval! I have sent him a pallet of our best hahlliday brahts for his consumption, and am confident of his approval. You are welcome, Irish faithful.
Jack Swarbrick, Jr., student, South Bend, IN: My daddy is coaching Nottre Dame. He would be a good coach for Notter Dame. He thinks Notter Dame is good so i think Notter dame is good. The old coach has to be
Delmer: You no whut? I'm not so sure we oughta be puttin all our eggs into this URBAN MEYER basket. Why on earth would he leave un S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C team like them Florida Gators? I think we oughta get us somebody who ain't doin' nothing. That Tommy Tuberville might be pretty awesome! Went undefeated! Won him some SEC Championships! I bet he can get em there again.
Anthony "Tony" Lattendresse, Movie Critic, Dayton, OH: I've known about Notre Dame for most of my life, but have loved them since 1993. It's the ultimate place where dreams can come true. I mean, even if you're undersized, somewhat dim-witted, and don't have the backing/respect of your friends and family, you can still get lifted onto the shoulders of your teammates, but not since 1975. All you need is one friend, a black guy to let you sleep in the Notre Dame locker room, and a friend to die in a violent and firey explosion to motivate you. Notre Dame is awesome for all of those things. They should get Rudy to do it. Rudy would be good. Not Rudy Guliani, but the other Rudy.
Higgenbotham: I was just told that, medically speaking anyway, Lou Holtz is braindead, almost completely paralyzed from the waist down, and suffers from a lisp and tourette's syndrome. Assuredly, the vaunted coach Ara Parsegian could be convinced of the necessity of a triumphant homecoming? Surely he must see the err of his ways, leaving his beloved University in the hands of a capable, yet un-Parsegian Dan Devine. Greatness awaits in the hallows of antiquity, eh chums?
Ron Jaworski and Mike Turico, Football Analysts, Bristol, CT: Jon Gruden. Get Jon Gruden to South Bend right now. Seriously, he needs to be there because...he's a good coach. And he DOES not have rabid body odor. If you can get past the hair cut, the lack of originality, and the way he sits on stools with his knees as far apart as is geometrically possible, with his junk just hanging out there, he'll be one of the best coaches Holy Cross, I mean, Notre Dame ever had. Seriously, get this guy out of here. Get him to wherever you're proposing he go. I'm sure he'll do great, whatever. Just go.
Lattendresse: You know, the movie Rudy was the debut of actor Vince Vaughn? He'd be pretty good. He's already a big fan, and I'm sure would do well. He's a smooth talker who's quick on his feet. Maybe he and Jon Favreau, who played Rudy's friend, D-Bob, could collaborate, with Favreau directing the game plan and Vaughn executing it to perfection. Those three guys, real Rudy, Vaughn, and Favreau, would be awesome. But not Sean Astin. He's all yuppy since Lord of the Rings.
Manetti: Mangino just had a heart attack when I was on da horn widhim and guess what. He ain't dead. He's still kickin' and told me about an awesome play he thought up while his eyes were closed in pain. It's a double-end around with a third-guy in a wildcat who just cuts up the middle like a wreckin' ball. BRILLIANT? BRILLIANT. Who wants some more brahts?
Delmer: If we're goin' for big ole boys who ain't doin nothin, why not Phil Fulmer? Wouldn't even have to get him new clothes, just wash the gravy stains off Weis' sweatshirts and boom! SEC Champion Notre Dame Fightin' Irish! That's got a rang to it.
Higgenbotham: Despite my numerous fiduciary advances to coach Parsegian, he is unwilling to acquiece to my request. Therefore I am proposing to ask the vaunted Notre Dame biology department to unearth the chared and mangled remains of Knute Rockne and recessitate him, post haste! There isn't much time, he was after all in a plane crash in the early 20th century, but he's Notre Dame's last hope. I would love to see the look on that playboy Peter Carroll's face at the sight of that!
Swarbrick, Jr.: i like jesus and he shud be coach if my daddy can't. Jesus, can you get me some wii games.
Jaworski and Turico: We're each seriously going to shoot ourselves in the face if you guys don't hire Jon Gruden.