Tuesday, December 15, 2009

You win, shitstains

Fine. OK? Fine.


I don't hate the Mavericks anymore. Now before you start gloating and being all pompous assholes about it, let me just say that I don't hate you. That doesn't mean that I like you. It means that I don't hate you. Essentially, I realized that hating on your game doesn't make me or my teams better.

I would like to take this opportunity to mention what I do hate. Everything about Dirk besides his absurd game. There. I said it. Dirk's game is baffling, but... shit. He's good. He's really stepped it up this season, too. Not so much in terms of stats, he's just been all over the court. It's fun to watch. He's actually trying to earn wins and awards. I would like to mention here that while he is good, he is NOT the best player in the league, and wasn't in the '06-'07 team. He was simply the best player on the best team. He's also white, which will increase your chances of winning any NBA award (see: Rick Barry's Dunk Contest victory). But yeah. I hate Dirk's appearance, his personality, his voice, his taste in women, and his style.

I also hate Mark Cuban. Don't get me fucking started on Cuban. I like that he likes his players, and will do anything for him. But that really comes with the territory with douchebag owners of any kind. And I swear to Christ, I will end him I will FUCKING end him if he brings up Net Neutrality within earshot of me.

Shawn Marion, I used to like you. But you suck now. You can redeem yourself by killing yourself dunking. DANCE FOR MY PLEASURE.

Kris Humphries, you look like one of the Twilight kids... fag.

Erick Dampier. I will burn you down for the insurance money. You aren't worth shit.


That felt right. Now on to what makes the Mavs awesome.

First and foremost, Jason Kidd is wrecking shop. He's had a wildly successful career, but has just become an enormous problem for any opposing team now. He actually has fixed pretty much the only hole in his game, which was the outside shot. For real. Ason has finally gained his 'J' and is raining these days. It's silly. Furthermore, he's good for one mind-boggling highlight pass a game. Also, having him and JJ Barea on the court at the same time just makes me think of Dr. Evil and Minime running around, fucking peoples' worlds up.

Jason Terry. No hate here, bruh. Not now, not in the past, not ever.

And finally...

Rodrigue Beaubois. For those of you who think using French pronunciation is for pompous pointy-headed liberal elites and other forms of homosexuals, you can call him Roddy Buckets. When I first saw this cat before the draft, I figured there was some sort of optical illusion with the grainy third-world footage I was seeing. He was just too fast. Now he's in the L, balling for the Mavs. He's rusty, for sure, but he's fast as a muhfucka and can hop. He's like TJ Ford was back in the day.

OK. That felt good to get off my chest. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be rooting for the away team whenever the Spurs, Blazers, Grizzlies, Hawks, Magic, BETcats, Celtics, Warriors, Clippers, Thunder, Raptors, Cavaliers, Bucks, Heat, Knicks, 76ers, or Wizards come to town. It's just that, if I have to watch one team more than any other, due to geographical reasons, I'm comfortable with it being the Mavs.

Now if we can only ban faux-hawks and Affliction shirts from the AAC, that would be something. Seriously, Uptown is like Jersey Shore sometimes.


  1. You suck dude by wishing someone to blow out his leg, thats not anything to write or joke about. Your an idiot

  2. Yea Icehouse, you being so serious about that is hurtful. What if he reads this and tries to dunk a lot? won't you feel terrible?


  3. When you're right, you're right. I wish Matrix no bodily harm. I'm just saying I wish he dunked more, like he used to.

  4. I didn't see anything about legs getting blown out, it looked to me more like a death wish.