The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS PLAYS BASKETBALL IN FOOTBALL PALACE

Dogus is pleased. The Longhorns of Texas are the second-best team in all of the land. But now he must play the Shitheels from Northern Carolina. Dogus has never had much luck with the Northern Carolina. But this time will be different! This time Dogus brings with him Jordan Hamilton from the same neighborhood as Ice Cube. He also brings with him Avery Bradley, from the land that represents the exact opposite of Dogus's land, Las Vegas. What makes the most difference is that they play in a palace built for football Gods.

It is truly glorious. Dogus is in awe of Texan tower of Babel built for God of oil. Dogus thinks the Oil God must be very pleased indeed.

Dogus spies a television. It... it must be a television. IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.

Dogus imagines his favorite show, American pornography on the television screen. Dogus is now terrified at the prospect of 120-foot tall women crushing him to death. Death by snoo snoo.

Now it is the game time. Dogus does not understand the whiteness of the Shitheel team. They even have two of the same white player! Dogus chuckles. This could never work. Dogus is glad that Coach Barnes would never be sucked into the Tobacco Road White Athlete Arms Race.

The game begins. Dogus is described by the famous bald one as "gritty." Dogus plays hard. Dogus has been working on his left hand. The left hand is no longer treacherous. The crowd loves him. Dogus loves this football palace. Dogus loves America more than ever.

The Longhorns reign supreme! The famous bald one said that the Shitheels would win, and he was wrong! Dogus is still puzzled by the bald one's infant infatuation. Everything is 'baby this' and 'baby that.' Dogus cares not, for glory will be his upon his return to Austin. Dexter Pittman and he will imbibe! Oh, will they imbibe!