The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

This Week: DOGUS IS A LONGHORN NO MORE

Dogus has been here for too long. In Turkey, he was highly-regarded prospect. Here, he is bionic-legged joke. They mock his shooting. They say he is slow and useless. If Dogus so slow, why is he regarded as defensive specialist? Huh? Dogus ask you that!

The season went well enough. Dogus won more games against the hated 12 than he ever had before. After the disaster of last season, the doubters doubted Dogus and the Longhorns. It felt good to beat expectations instead of failing to live up to them.

But the feeling was fleeting. After being good, suddenly the Longhorns played bad. They lost to the Huskers of Corn, from Nebraska. Dogus chuckled, because "husking your corn" means something TOTALLY different in Turkey. But that's for another time.

The Longhorns limped into the tournament figuratively. Dogus limped in literally and figuratively. The Longhorns always fail in the tournament, Dogus thought. Dogus was right.

People tell Dogus Arizona Wildcats are good. They tell Dogus that the referees were the ones who failed, not the Longhorns. Dogus knows better. He knows the Longhorns are no good in March. This doesn't bother him. Dogus is gone from this place of drunkenness and wanton fellatio.

Dogus will miss this, but he is ready to return to the land that made him a hero. He will pick up where Allen Iverson left off.

U Mad?

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is was a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS IS DEAD! LONG LIVE DOGUS!

Dogus is dead. He has no more reason to go on living. He has been dead for quite some time now, for all intents and purposes. His ligaments, they have been torn.

Who will want Dogus now? The agents say that there is nobody in the market for a slow point guard with a treacherous left hand and no jump shot. Not even on the Kings! Shit! What will they do? No more Longhorns for Dogus, and no more basketball. Dogus fears that they will throw him out of the country like a common Armenian.

What's worse is that the team has died. No dancing this year. No fun at all. Dexter has started to eat his feelings. Avery Bradley has already sold his books, gone back to Las Vegas, and put all of his money on black. He asked if Dogus wanted to come. Dogus knows better than to dabble in games of chance.

And now Dogus will never get his hands on the trophy. No riches for Dogus, and no wishes either. All he ever wanted was to rub the sweet trophy and meet the genie inside.

Oh no! A yellow turban may get his hands on the precious trophy!


YOU BE GONE, YELLOW TURBAN!

Omar Samhan: What?

Dogus: You'll never fool Dogus! Dogus knows the tricks of the yellow turbans! Dogus has dealings with them before, in the home country!

Omar Samhan: I'm from just outside San Fransisco. Who are you?

Dogus: A thousand apologies. I thought I had seen you before. Nevertheless, HANDS OFF THE LAMP-- er, TROPHY! GOD WILL NOT LET YOU DANCE AFTER TONIGHT!


Maybe this place isn't for Dogus after all. Dogus loves this land, though. They have cleavage. And bacon. And bacon-flavored cleavage. Hopefully Dogus can stay. Maybe he'll get Brad Buckman to put in a good word for him at the Austin Toros. Maybe.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS PLAYS BASKETBALL IN FOOTBALL PALACE

Dogus is pleased. The Longhorns of Texas are the second-best team in all of the land. But now he must play the Shitheels from Northern Carolina. Dogus has never had much luck with the Northern Carolina. But this time will be different! This time Dogus brings with him Jordan Hamilton from the same neighborhood as Ice Cube. He also brings with him Avery Bradley, from the land that represents the exact opposite of Dogus's land, Las Vegas. What makes the most difference is that they play in a palace built for football Gods.

It is truly glorious. Dogus is in awe of Texan tower of Babel built for God of oil. Dogus thinks the Oil God must be very pleased indeed.

Dogus spies a television. It... it must be a television. IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.

Dogus imagines his favorite show, American pornography on the television screen. Dogus is now terrified at the prospect of 120-foot tall women crushing him to death. Death by snoo snoo.

Now it is the game time. Dogus does not understand the whiteness of the Shitheel team. They even have two of the same white player! Dogus chuckles. This could never work. Dogus is glad that Coach Barnes would never be sucked into the Tobacco Road White Athlete Arms Race.

The game begins. Dogus is described by the famous bald one as "gritty." Dogus plays hard. Dogus has been working on his left hand. The left hand is no longer treacherous. The crowd loves him. Dogus loves this football palace. Dogus loves America more than ever.

The Longhorns reign supreme! The famous bald one said that the Shitheels would win, and he was wrong! Dogus is still puzzled by the bald one's infant infatuation. Everything is 'baby this' and 'baby that.' Dogus cares not, for glory will be his upon his return to Austin. Dexter Pittman and he will imbibe! Oh, will they imbibe!

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This Week: DOGUS IS ADRIFT IN A SEA OF MEANINGLESS SEX

Dogus is on the verge of insanity. He must find some relief from the outside world. The last couple weeks, the world has become insane, and there is nothing Dogus can do about it.

At end of July, there is a party in Austin. It is called Fiji Island, but has nothing to do with actualy Fiji Island. Something completely different. As Dogus approaches the party, they are stopping everybody to look for their passports. Or birth certificates. Or whatever, Dogus doesn't know. Dogus just walks in with Dexter Pittman every time they want the birth certificate. They let Dexter in everywhere except the Mr. Gatti's buffet.

Once inside, there is nothing but Keystone Light and bad American music from the 1980s. Dogus laughs a hearty laugh. The Light Keystone is the worst kind. The 1980s music makes him laugh even harder. 1980s music is all they have in Turkey. There is lots of music in Austin, but none of the people at the party were born in the 1980s.

There are lots of footballers at the party. Dogus has not seen them in quite some time. "Hey Irby" he calls. Blaine Irby turns quickly, and crumples to the tarped and sandy floor in agony. Dogus sure hopes he wasn't responsible for that.

Anyways. Dogus starts talking to girls. Girls like Dogus. Girls like everybody at this party it seems, including each other. They ask Dogus where he's from. The girls don't know where Turkey is. They laugh when he say it. Dexter picks up twelve of them and leaves with Adam Ulatoski.

Dogus wakes up face down on a lawn amidst rubble. He looks up and realizes he is at Sergio Kindle's house. He sure hopes Sergio didn't drive home that night. Dogus just wants school to start. Anything to add order to this insane existence.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a freshman point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This Week: DOGUS FAILS!

Dogus is in a daze. Dogus doesn't know what to do. Dogus' friends, his family, what will they say? "You'll always be a goatherder." Dogus can't stand to hear that again. Dogus doesn't know what happened.

Dogus was described as 'scrappy' by the announcers. They praised his effort. Dogus was sure not to let them see him dribble with his left hand. Verne Lundquist would not have been so kind had they seen the evil left hand. They also always brought up the Ricky Rubio. Dogus will kill Ricky Rubio.

Things went ok, and Dogus danced. Danced into the night. Dogus was dancing in the Green borough of Carolina of the North. Dogus liked this land. Trees were everywhere, and there were cigarettes everywhere. Dogus likes trees, they don't have enough in Turkey. Dogus also likes cigarettes, they remind him of home. But then Dogus found out that a great evil lurked in the Northern Carolina...

HITLER ATTACKED!

Dogus' ancestors used to be friends with Hitler's ancestors. No longer. Now Hitler hates Dogus. Hitler orders minions to pressure Dogus' right hand. Hitler's minions set ruthless picks on Dogus. Dogus spends a lot of time on the ground. Dogus' shot selection is poor. Dogus tries, but nothing works. The evil Hitler and his Devils force Dogus to shoot free throws.

Now, Dogus dances no longer. Dogus encounters existential plight.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a freshman point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS GOES TO THE MOST RETARDED PLACE ON EARTH


Dogus is apprehensive. Coach Barnes and the team say that we are going to play a rival. They say that we lose to this team too much. They say we hate them. Dogus is apprehensive, and his back itches.

Dogus’ teachers and fellow students keep telling him that the place we are going is ugly. They tell him that the people are ugly and have sex with cousins. Dogus pictures Serbia in his mind. The teachers say, “Play well!” Normally they say, “don’t worry about the test.” Dogus is again frightened. Dogus can’t even finish his pita.

Dogus and the team get on the bus. The team puts on rap music. Dogus dances. Connor Atchley tries to dance, but fails. Two hours later they arrive at their destination.

The game starts. Dogus cannot dribble with his left hand. Dogus’ shot selection is poor.

Dogus is overwhelmed. Everyone where reddish brown. Everyone has military-style haircuts. Dogus doesn’t want anything to do with the army. Where Dogus is from, army is no joke. Sometimes army comes to house. Dogus is afraid that the army here might take him away.


Everybody screams in a high-pitched fashion. “Whoop!” they say. Even t-shirts that say, “Whoop!” This reminds Dogus of the yellow turbans. Dogus hates those fucking yellow turbans, and begins to understand. Dogus thinks that everybody around him is cross-eyed. He also thinks that Quan was right and that everyone here is retarded. Still, Dogus is apprehensive. Dogus throws the ball out of bounds.


Coach Barnes yells. AJ doesn’t score in the first half. Dogus still cannot dribble with his left hand. This was never a problem in Turkey.

Dogus is disgusted at how he is playing. Dogus is also disgusted at the people around him. Even Kurdistan is better than this place, Dogus thinks to himself. And nobody wants to go to Kurdistan.