Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

This is Sara Saco-Vertiz, who is now famous and semi-naked on the Internet for having a boyfriend who jumped out of the way when a foul ball came his way at an Astros game. Straight to the top, kids!

YES! It's time to blow this joint! I'm about to jump out of here and just start fucking shit up!

Just like this! WOO!


Boomshakala. And now, A sweet-ass rap song about Cincinnati's newest and best wide receiver.


Say what you want about Matthias, but I bet he's pretty fun to hang out with.


The Internet has not been kind to fat kids, that's for sure.


I posted this over on the Icehouse earlier this week, but it bears reposting in the fun bag.


When Serbia and Greece fight at the Acropolis, you can bet Nenad Krstic will throw a chair at your ass.


Ok. That's good for now, I think. Sweet sauce. Let's get funky.

TELL ME WHAT IS UP IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS LEADER

SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.

HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!

CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!

GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!

COMMENCE LAUGHTER!

WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!

IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!

JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This Week: DOGUS IS ADRIFT IN A SEA OF MEANINGLESS SEX

Dogus is on the verge of insanity. He must find some relief from the outside world. The last couple weeks, the world has become insane, and there is nothing Dogus can do about it.

At end of July, there is a party in Austin. It is called Fiji Island, but has nothing to do with actualy Fiji Island. Something completely different. As Dogus approaches the party, they are stopping everybody to look for their passports. Or birth certificates. Or whatever, Dogus doesn't know. Dogus just walks in with Dexter Pittman every time they want the birth certificate. They let Dexter in everywhere except the Mr. Gatti's buffet.

Once inside, there is nothing but Keystone Light and bad American music from the 1980s. Dogus laughs a hearty laugh. The Light Keystone is the worst kind. The 1980s music makes him laugh even harder. 1980s music is all they have in Turkey. There is lots of music in Austin, but none of the people at the party were born in the 1980s.

There are lots of footballers at the party. Dogus has not seen them in quite some time. "Hey Irby" he calls. Blaine Irby turns quickly, and crumples to the tarped and sandy floor in agony. Dogus sure hopes he wasn't responsible for that.

Anyways. Dogus starts talking to girls. Girls like Dogus. Girls like everybody at this party it seems, including each other. They ask Dogus where he's from. The girls don't know where Turkey is. They laugh when he say it. Dexter picks up twelve of them and leaves with Adam Ulatoski.

Dogus wakes up face down on a lawn amidst rubble. He looks up and realizes he is at Sergio Kindle's house. He sure hopes Sergio didn't drive home that night. Dogus just wants school to start. Anything to add order to this insane existence.

Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

TV is great.

I was going to write something else. I actually had it all lined up and everything. But then my TV attacked. Seriously, this was out of control.

First of all, the Rangers played the Tigers. Two pretty even teams kicking ass was pretty fun. This had all the funny shit deserving of a Rangers game. A Granderson lead-off home run started the wackiness. Nelson Cruz and Michael Young ended up jacking a couple dingers for the Rangers to take the lead at home, though. Three points of interest. 1) A guy caught a foul ball in his left hand while holding a baby in his right hand. Child endangerment rules. 2) The cast of "Legally Blonde: The Musical" where there. Because when there's 162 games, you're going to have to watch some stupid shit from time to time. 3) The announcer introduced Fu-Te Ni as Fu-Te "the knight that says" Ni. That was pretty funny.

Moving on.

The T.O. show. I guess somebody asked, "how can we make this guy less appealing." The answer is hire to bitchy PR folks, a flatulant sidekick, and pay the $25 it takes to put something on VH1. Fuck me this is terrible. You know the world is a horrible place when other people make Terrell Owens look grounded. Sheeeit.

And then there's Futurama. I wish I watched this show more when it was actually on. Tonight was one of the phenomenal sports-related episodes. With Bob Uecker as a guest star, Leela becomes a star of Blurnsball. In typical Futurama fashion, absolutely nothing makes sense (least of all the character of Hank Aaron XXX). The main point is the very end, which is basically the funniest home run of all time.

And now for the real inspiration for this post. Shaquille O'Neal is on WWE Raw. DIDYOUJUSTREADTHATSHIT?! Yeah. It's fucking great. Jerry Lawler just said, "Boomshakalaka." A couple of things I learned tonight. First, The Big Show still sucks. However, he's teamed with Chris Jericho, who is still the funniest character. Second, there are a LOT of Chris Cooley jerseys in the crowd in D.C. Third, that one dude from the Real World a couple years back, that called himself "The Miz" is now a wrestler. He comes out with a faux-hawk, talks shit to the Wizards fans in the house, and then yells, "I'M AWESOME." Gotta admit. That's pretty funny.

So anyways, love your TV. Give it a kiss.

Texas-Missouri Love-in

You said it, Abe.

Anyways, I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with ways to make fun of Mizzou, because most of this has been a one-way street so far. But I couldn't find any funny pictures of the Mizzou mascot (Tigers? Real fucking original, dickfaces.), and I can't really think of any Missouri stereotypes to poke fun at. What am I going to do? Make fun of the Cardinals for getting swept by the Red Sox? No.

But one thing I have realized, is that the University of Missouri hasn't won a football game in Austin since 1896.

Read that again.

1896 was a big year, guys. The world stood at the cusp of a new century. The talk of a silver standard permeated the presidential election. 8-year-old Irish immigrants suffered through the black lung to bring precious coal to heat burgeoning burgs. So if you really think Mizzou has a shot, then don't vote Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin. Vote McKinley-Hobart.

I would also like to take this time to remind our readers of important things that have happened in the time that has passed since Mizzou won a football game in Austin, TX.

-Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states.
-The Spanish-American War
-Strom Thurmond's entire lifetime
-Two World Wars
-Prohibition
-One Depression, Several Recessions
-Women gained the right to vote
-Jim Crow abolished
-The Titanic has sunk, been lost, been found, and made into a film
-Child Labor laws enacted
-Brown v. Board of Education
-Civil Rights Act Enacted
-Every single Super Bowl
-Communism has risen, and fallen in Russia
-Man has been to space, and even landed on the fucking moon
-Rock and Roll was invented
-21 different presidents have served
-Marijuana has been deemed illegal in all 50 states
-Drinking age has been raised to 21
-The Vietnam War
-The Roaring Twenties
-Motion Pictures (or 'Movies') have been invented. They have also been given sound. They have also been made entirely of animation. They have also been made by solely computers
-All three Godfather movies
-Star Trek, and Star Wars
-The internet
-28 Summer Olympics
-The Cubs won a World Series
-Automobiles
-Recycling
-One good president killed, one good president wounded, one bad president wounded
-The Simpsons
-Nuclear power harnessed for good and evil
-Brett Favre's career
-Cloning
-Two wars in Iraq
-Color Barrier broken in every single major sport in the world.
-The Forward Pass
-Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle."
-Mark Twain's death
-The United States put some shit on Mars
-Elvis Presley's entire lifetime
-The Beatles
-Hip-Hop invented
-Sports Illustrated Magazine
-The change of centuries has twice led to mass hysteria and suicides
-Potato Famine
-Airplanes, helicopters
-James Bond
-Television, Radio, iPhone

Needless to say. It's been a while. Football isn't even recognizable between then and now. Helmets, dog. Mouthpieces. Shit like that.

Well, enjoy.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Here's the jackass that all of your hopes are pinned on, Bears fans. Enjoy!

Ok, good stuff, short work week. This is what I am talking about.

Alright, I hope that some of you saw this. I know it's kind of long and everything, but it's always funny to see the best player in the world get beat by some dude at the Venice Beach courts. Of course, if you've seen White Men Can't Jump, you'd know that place is full of hustlers.

There's a new ride at Six Flags Over Texas. Terrence Newman went on it the other day, and the Dallas Morning News was there to film it. In all fairness, he is a pro-bowler, and from Salina, Kansas.

If you aren't already excited for the Artest era to begin in Houston, you're crazy. Not as crazy as Artest, but crazy enough to not know a good thing when you see it.

Some athletes are dumb, but Darrell Arthur and Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers set the bar at a new high. Get it?

There are so many different questions I have for Sarah Palin. What's Alaska like? Why does she feel she's qualified to break Senate ties? How does she make her hair do what it does in this video? Is dog sledding really sports? Are all of her daughters hos or just the one?