Texas-Missouri Love-in

You said it, Abe.

Anyways, I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with ways to make fun of Mizzou, because most of this has been a one-way street so far. But I couldn't find any funny pictures of the Mizzou mascot (Tigers? Real fucking original, dickfaces.), and I can't really think of any Missouri stereotypes to poke fun at. What am I going to do? Make fun of the Cardinals for getting swept by the Red Sox? No.

But one thing I have realized, is that the University of Missouri hasn't won a football game in Austin since 1896.

Read that again.

1896 was a big year, guys. The world stood at the cusp of a new century. The talk of a silver standard permeated the presidential election. 8-year-old Irish immigrants suffered through the black lung to bring precious coal to heat burgeoning burgs. So if you really think Mizzou has a shot, then don't vote Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin. Vote McKinley-Hobart.

I would also like to take this time to remind our readers of important things that have happened in the time that has passed since Mizzou won a football game in Austin, TX.

-Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states.
-The Spanish-American War
-Strom Thurmond's entire lifetime
-Two World Wars
-Prohibition
-One Depression, Several Recessions
-Women gained the right to vote
-Jim Crow abolished
-The Titanic has sunk, been lost, been found, and made into a film
-Child Labor laws enacted
-Brown v. Board of Education
-Civil Rights Act Enacted
-Every single Super Bowl
-Communism has risen, and fallen in Russia
-Man has been to space, and even landed on the fucking moon
-Rock and Roll was invented
-21 different presidents have served
-Marijuana has been deemed illegal in all 50 states
-Drinking age has been raised to 21
-The Vietnam War
-The Roaring Twenties
-Motion Pictures (or 'Movies') have been invented. They have also been given sound. They have also been made entirely of animation. They have also been made by solely computers
-All three Godfather movies
-Star Trek, and Star Wars
-The internet
-28 Summer Olympics
-The Cubs won a World Series
-Automobiles
-Recycling
-One good president killed, one good president wounded, one bad president wounded
-The Simpsons
-Nuclear power harnessed for good and evil
-Brett Favre's career
-Cloning
-Two wars in Iraq
-Color Barrier broken in every single major sport in the world.
-The Forward Pass
-Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle."
-Mark Twain's death
-The United States put some shit on Mars
-Elvis Presley's entire lifetime
-The Beatles
-Hip-Hop invented
-Sports Illustrated Magazine
-The change of centuries has twice led to mass hysteria and suicides
-Potato Famine
-Airplanes, helicopters
-James Bond
-Television, Radio, iPhone

Needless to say. It's been a while. Football isn't even recognizable between then and now. Helmets, dog. Mouthpieces. Shit like that.

Well, enjoy.