Wednesday, October 22, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Central

Alright, Central Division, Eastern Conference. Now we're getting into some shit. But as we can all see, Sheed wants that title back!

Detroit Pistons: Another perennial power in the once weak East, these guys know how to win. Or do they? They're always in the favorites, even having the second-best record in the L last year, but just can't seem to get over the hump. Last time they made it to the finals, the Spurs were there to shut them down. Since then, the Heat, Cavaliers, and Celtics have been the team to make it out, while Motown is left wondering what could have been and what went wrong. This squad looks like it's somewhere between the powerhouse days of old and a rebuilding team. After Sheed, Antonio "Dice" McDyess, Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups, and Rip Hamilton, the most experienced player on the roster is Kwame "Crummy" Brown (!). This is all sorts of crazy. There are too many question marks to say whether or not this team can make it to the finals, but there is plenty of potential in Rodney Stuckey (who we know can ball), Arron Affalo, Will Bynum, and Amir Johnson. Look to Jason Maxiell to develop a 15-17 foot game to justify his wanting a bigger contract.

Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron. That's it. That's all there is to know. The rest of the crew is there, Big Z, Wally, "Sideshow Bob" Varejao. The other players would have to include Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, and newly acquired Mo Williams. But there's only one thing that matters. As goes LeBron, so go the Cavs. These clowns are going to have off nights, but if LeBron has even a slightly less than gold medal performance, they will lose. Of course, if someone can do it, it's gotta be Bron.

Indiana Pacers: Man, now we're getting dirty. The Pacers had a fire sale after the Malace at the Palace, getting rid of all the trouble makers that ran into the crowd and wrecked up the place. Still, they have quite the ill image, thanks to Marquis Daniels and Jamaal Tinsley (although Bird has made it quite clear that Tinsley won't be on the team for long). Add in some unproven college standouts (Roy Hibbert, Josh McRoberts, Brandon Rush), some straight weiners (Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy), and the worst rapper in NBA history, Troy Murphy, and you get maybe the worst team in the league.

Milwaukee Bucks: Michael Redd won a gold medal this past summer. The list of positives ends there. They got Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlian, but then what? Andrew Bogut, a bling hater, Luc Mbah a Moute was always questionable, Luke Ridnour, Charlie Villanueva, and Booker Pogue's least favorite Big Easter, Joe Alexander, all... well... fuck it. Gilbert Arenas said it best. Nobody wants to play in Milwaukee.

Chicago Bulls: This once proud franchise has been nothing, repeat, nothing since Jordan left, save for one season filled with hope on the backs of Ben Gordon and Luol Deng. Now, they apparently beef over who gets more money, with Ben Gordon entertaining prospects of going to CSKA Moscow and Luol wishing everybody would just shut up. Joakim Noah is the world's ugliest Chihuahua. Andres Nocioni is the most overpaid Argentine (which is saying a lot). Kirk Hinrich didn't even get invited by Samwise and Frodo to go to Mt. Doom, and they were both some bitches. Drew Gooden sucks. Tyrus Thomas and Larry Hughes play only for a check. Thabo Sefalosha is ok, but never gets passed to. Derrick Rose, the hometown cat, has a little bit of work ahead of him, before he makes good on his MVP aspirations.


  1. 1.) You forgot TayTay. He's an olympic gold medalist. Pistons are doing more with older talent - read: none of the '03 talent - than anybody ought to be able to do. Joe Dumars has turned the Pistons into the Atlanta Braves of the Eastern Conference. Rip and Chauncey have to be replaced for them to ever threaten a championship again.

    2.) I picture Rasheed Wallace as like, my buddy's crazy uncle. Always drunk, challenging kids to play him in one on one. He gets out in the driveway in houseslippers and a wifebeater and just cusses like a lunatic while smoking and dribbling. He rejects a shot into the flower bed. "YALL KIDS DONT KNOW SHIT!" And slams the door behind him. That's how I like to think of Crazy Uncle Sheed.

  2. Also, Zydrunas Ilgauskas (sp?) needs a reality show ASAP. I want to know what makes him tick. He seems like a less enthusiastic Rik Smits. It's like some sick ballet, it's apathy perfected into the production of the bare minimum required. Who saw that guy and said, "BAM, NBA talent"?

  3. Can we also call ESPN and get them to stop using the phrase "Baby Bulls." In fact I think that's why the Bulls dropped eggs in the playoffs, they got it in their mind that they were a bunch a kids, and only big boys get to go to Conference Championships.

  4. 1) I didn't forget about Tayshaun. He's just lumped into the "Less Experienced than Kwame Brown" crowd. I used to hate Tayshaun, but he's growing on me.

    2) Sheed is my hero.

    3) Big Zzzzz is too boring for a reality show.

    4) Bulls missed the playoffs last year. They'll miss them again this year.

  5. So what is that orange thing all these tall people keep fighting over? Is it fruit? Why don't they just eat the fruit already? If they want to eat it so bad, why do they keep throwing it through that hole and giving it to the other tall guys? This sport is wacky!

  6. It's a human head, wrapped in a pumpkin.

  7. Never wrong to love Al. He's wonderful.