NBA Divisional Preview: Southwest

Well, we did save the best for last. This division is far and away the best.

New Orleans Hornets: The Hornets are a trendy favorite to pick win the West. If you watched them play last year you would understand why. They kill. They play great. They're high energy, they run, they play mad D, and they can shoot. Chris Paul is the best point guard in the NBA, and one of the best all around players, period. Tyson Chandler took a while to find his niche, but once he did, Compton is in the house. With the addition of James Posey, the Hornets are poised to do some serious damage.

San Antonio Spurs: Never bet against the Spurs in odd years. You shouldn't. Of course, the Spurs are just a little bit older and a little more slow than they used to be. They also lost Brent "Bones" Barry and Big Shot Bob Horry. The big three are still there, and Manu, Tony and Tim are just about as good as they've ever been. Tim Duncan is still wondering if this is finally the year he's going to kill that rat fuck John Connor, heralding the rise of the machines. Bruce Bowen is still there, and he's still the most hated player in the league, Michael Finley is still raining threes and throwing down dunks that his 35-year-old body feels in the morning. Still. Never bet against the Spurs in an odd-numbered year.

Houston Rockets: Talk about a weird group of guys, but they might boast the best starting five in basketball. Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Luis Scola, Ron Artest, and Rafer "Skip to my lou" Alston? Yes. Fantastic. Ron Artest is a great player. Batshit insane, maybe, but still a great player that you want on that wall, you need on that wall. T-Mac and Yao, they have a chip on their shoulder. They've never made it out of the first round, despite always being heralded as two of the best players in the world. Luis Scola was the best Argentine in the Olympics, which is saying a lot.

Dallas Mavericks: The '06 Western Conference Champs have been in freefall since. Two years in a row, they've been bounced in the first round. After some serious retooling (they got rid of about half of their team), Jason Kidd is now on the team. Kidd's addition to the team last year yielded virtually no results, but for a great point guard, you need to give him a little bit of time to meld with the team. Kidd has been given that. They still have Jason Terry, Josh Howard, and Dirk Nowitzki. Dirk was the MVP in '07, and he disappeared in the playoffs. Someone else has to step up before the Mavs do anything better than getting bounced. Unfortunately, with the new West, they may not make the postseason.

Memphis Grizzlies: The worst team in the league two years ago is now the youngest team in the league. They also have some crazy cool players. I was mad at first that they traded Kevin Love for O.J. Mayo, because I was looking forward to the Gay-Love Era in Memphis. Gay-Mayo is way more baller, though. Adding Marc "La Tanqueta" Gasol, the Grizz will start two seven-footers, and be able to take it to the hole or shoot. The Grizz are back for the attack.

NBA Divisional Preview: Pacific

Oh yeah. Now we're having fun.

Los Angeles Lakers: Before Team USA's opening game against China in August. Kobe Bryant auspiciously disappeared while both USA and China made their ways to the court. As the teams were shooting around, warming up, a quick thinking NBC camera caught Kobe, standing at the top of the mezzanine. He then descended through the general admission stands while the thousands in attendance flocked to attempt to touch Kobe. The teams representing the two greatest nations in the world stood and watched. Yao Ming, the most popular player from the most populous nation the world has ever seen watched as Kobe one-upped him. Why did this happen? Because game recognize game, and the Chinese have found out what we already knew. Kobe Bean Bryant is the best basketball player in the world. The Lakers also feature Andrew Bynum, whose absence from the playoffs last year was notable, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom, and Derek Fisher. However, I am most looking forward to seeing how Sun Yue fits in. Sun Yue was referred to as the "Chinese Magic Johnson" before he let us know that he prefers the nickname "Monkey King." You're the boss!

Phoenix Suns: After their first round bouncing at the hands of the Spurs, people clamored that the "Suns were setting." Mike D'Antoni took some mad cash to go and attempt to rein in the colossal clusterfuck that is the New York Knicks. But sans D'Antoni, does that mean failure for the team that was famous for their ability to outrun everybody, coining the phrase, "seven seconds or less"? In my opinion, no. One, you can't run with Shaq. You could, but that was more than a decade ago. Two, you can't run with Grant Hill. You could, but that was two decades ago. Also, if and when they want to outrun everybody, they take those guys out, and put in virtually every single player that made them great (sans Shawn Marion). Steve Nash is still Steve Nash, and he still has Amare "STAT" Stoudemire and Leandro "Captain" Barbosa. Matt Barnes will add an interesting twist, and some badly needed hair gel and tattoos. And finally, Alando Tucker has been off the radar since getting out of Wisconsin, but don't forget that he is a freak of nature.

Golden State Warriors: Shit, I don't know. They lost Baron Davis, and I always thought that he was the thing that made them go. Now they have three players with more than four years experience. Those players are, in order of experience: Al Harrington (10 years), Corey Maggette (9 years), and everybody's favorite native of Port Arthur, TX, Stephen Jackson (8 years). After that, you have Andris Biedrins (4 years in the league), and then Monta Ellis. the problem with Monta Ellis, however, is that he's out for about three months, and suspended without pay for that time, since he hurt his ankle falling off of a moped, then lied about it to the Golden State brass (you'd lie to Chris Mullin, too). I would like to say that Don Nelson cooked up something crazy while spending his off season in the usual drunken stupor, but this just feels too much like the collapse that the Oakland Globetrotters suffered after the whole Chris Webber/Tim Hardaway/Avery Johnson phase put its foot in its own dick. I'm pulling for success, though.

Los Angeles Clippers: Did you forget about the Clipshow? You might as well have. Then things looked absolutely dismal after Elton Brand and Corey Maggette left. But then Baron Davis signed a huge contract with them. Hmm. Then they acquired Marcus Camby for literally nothing. Even more interesting. They still have "Cool-as-a-cat" Cuttino Mobley and Tim Thomas, who, despite their relative anonymity, are crafty-ass vets who can knock down shots and play D. Ricky Davis is there for some reason, as is the creepiest NBAer, Chris Kaman. But the rest are guys just out to make a name for themselves. Al Thornton and Eric Gordon head up this crew of hungry young guys who can ball. I bet the Clips make the playoffs this year, because there's not enough room for them, plus the Warriors, Blazers, Nuggets, and Mavs.

Sacramento Kings: Beno Udrih made Kobe fall in a preseason game. Kevin Martin flushed on Greg Oden in a preseason game, for which Mikki Moore awarded him $1,000. That's about it for the highlights for this season for this team. The Kings have the douchiest owners in the league, the Maloof brothers. The Maloof brothers are way more interested in moving the team to Las Vegas, except this will never happen because when David "The Sternbot" Stern thinks of Las Vegas, he thinks of Tim Donaghy's gambling and the odyssey of a one Adam "Pacman" Jones at All-Star Weekend in Vegas. Fuck this team.

NBA Divisional Preview: Northwest

Sorry for the temporary absence, the Icehouse had some shit to take care of. But hopefully I'll get these next couple of posts done before tip off tomorrow. Furthermore, I received a question as to what sort of order I'm doing these divisional previews in. The order is the order in which they are listed on nba.com.

Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets are a good team to begin the Western Conference with. As the East has begun to not suck quite so much, some teams in the West are in decline. The Nuggets, well, who knows what they're going to be like this year. They had two of the top three scorers in the league last year, with the two cats you see above, but outside of that, they never played defense. What'd they do to remedy this situation? They got rid of Defensive P.O.Y. Marcus Camby, and replaced him with Chris "The Birdman" Andersen. In all fairness, Nene was out for a good portion of the year, and he can be a force to be reckoned with on his good nights. Unfortunately, this team doesn't really have a point guard outside of Chucky Atkins. They also have J.R. Smith, who is a perpetual question mark on every possession. Is he going to launch a half-court shot? Is he going to take it to the rack? Nobody knows, you just have to watch to find out.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Ok, the first time I tried to get their roster, just now, I typed in www.nba.com/twolves/roster. This took me to a team that included Sam Cassell, Kevin Garnett, "Rookie" Ndudi Ebi, and an advertisement for a Latrell Spreewell jersey. This just goes to show how much thought goes into this organization. It's a wonder that Kevin McHale still has a job. If you were wondering, the '08-'09 roster includes none of the aforementioned players. It does have some good players, but I don't see any cohesiveness. I'm frankly surprised that Al Jefferson isn't more popular than he is. He's not the most athletically gifted player, but he does play the game the way it's supposed to be played. Other things to notice with the Wolves is that they have some quasi-exciting players in Corey Brewer and Rodney Carney, a couple of Grizz fugees that came over in the trade Mayo-Love trade, and the fact that this team is short and fat. The lone seven-footer is Jason Collins, and he'll never see the court. Sebastian Telfair Sebastian Telfair Sebastian Telfair Sebas...

Portland Trailblazers: A decade ago, this was my second-favorite team in the league (outside of the closest NBA squad to my hometown). I think that this year has returned them to that status. I can't wait to watch this team play. They're young, they're athletic, and they made noise last year WITHOUT their first round pick. Now, Greg Oden's back for his first official rookie season. They also have two Spaniards that played very well in the Olympics, Rudy Fernandez and Sergio Rodriguez (Rudy flushed a huge dunk in the gold medal game). Brandon Roy was the Rookie of the Year in '07, LeMarcus Aldridge is great, Travis Outlaw is also fun. The main man will be Greg Oden, though. Not only are the eyes of Portland fans on him, but he now has a standing bounty on his head with many NBA teams after Mikki Moore reportedly gave Kevin Martin $1,000 for jamming one in Oden's face.

Utah Jazz: A perpetual thorn in the side of me and most Western Conference teams, the Jazz are always in the playoffs. This year will be no different. They come back boasting the most Olympians of any NBA team (Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer repping the USA), and really, really want to get back in the finals for the first time since Jordan beat them in '98. Mehmet Okur is a constant matchup problem, as a tall, thick guy that can bang, or hit a 30-footer at the shot clock. The team is tall, plays D, has a hall-of-fame coach in Jerry Sloan, and a pretty cool slogan: Life Off, Game On.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Not a whole lot you can say about this team. They have a stupid name, stupid mascot, stupid uniforms, and an owner who quite despicably yanked the team away from the city that had been good to them for more than four decades. I hate to say this, especially because I love Kevin Durant, but it's going to be good to watch this team get fucked night in and night out. Of course, they will have a couple of highlight reel dunks from Desmond Mason, and KD could blow up for 50 in a game this season. Jeff Green needs to improve a lot for this team to win more than 20 games. And don't get me started on their big guys.

NBA Divisional Preview: Southeast

If this picture doesn't get your blood aboilin' you gots problems.

Orlando Magic: Disappointment. That's what last year was. This team should really be getting at people every single night. Dwight Howard is a manchild that hates rims, swallows rebounds by the dozen. Rashard Lewis is the $100 Million Man, and seems to be worth it on most nights. Hedo "Turkeyglue" Turkoglu was the 6th man of the year last year, but could never hit the big shot. Adding Mickael Pietrus will help them out on both ends of the floor, plus the dude is crazy fun to watch. That said, the team has J.J. Redick. Watching that sack of shit fail gives me a filthy kind of pleasure. We're also going to say that he's example #1 of Duke players don't win. However, considering how he never plays, the Magic better get to the ECF, or their season is worthless. Plus they have new unis.

Atlanta Hawks: I don't want to say that this is the team of the future, because that would be just crazy. But, they have a very young core group of guys, and they did take the Celtics to seven in the first round of the playoffs, giving me all the more reason to like them. They don't have any really big names, Mike Bibby being the most recognizable. But, they do have Josh "J-Smoove" Smith, Joe Johnson, Al Horford, Acie Law, and Zaza Pachulia. Well, forget about the last one. The thing is, they ran, they jumped, they irritated people, and the only person they lost was Josh Childress to Olimpiacos (Greece). So, they should be primed to cause damage in the fluid East.

Washington Wizards: A dark horse to win the East a couple of years ago, these guys have fallen on hard times. Gil went from being the deadliest assassin to some jerk who brags about how he doesn't want to vote because both candidates are going to raise taxes on him. And he's always hurt. Brendan Haywood's out for a while. Then you have Caron "The Koran" Butler, who has injury problems, leaving the team to Antawn Jamison. Lump him in with Antonio Daniels (still the funkiest dunker in Spurs history), and a host of no-names who are better at blogging and getting arrested by undercover cops posing as hookers (looking at you, Andray Blatche), and this team will is lucky to be in the East, which almost guarantees a postseason. That's a huge disappointment, but they need to prove me wrong.

Miami Heat: Last season? Fuck 'em. This season? FLASH is back! Did you see the Olympics? Did you see Dwyane Wade flying all over the place, leading USA in scoring off the bench? Assuming he can do that often, the Heat are right back where they left off two years ago. Minus Shaq, of course. Shawn "The Matrix" Marion is an extremely valuable, if not volatile character. But of course, they did get Michael "No snitchin"/"B-Easy" Beasley, who somehow got a mad fine due to Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers' weed smoking during the rookie camp. It's a long, convoluted story apparently. I don't really have anything positive to say about the rest of the team. They're pretty lousy. Udonis Haslem will forever be remembered for throwing his mouthpiece at a ref. Shaun Livingston will forever be remembered for the most grotesque NBA knee injury to date (youtube it and shudder). So... maybe they'll make the playoffs, but don't expect great things.

Charlotte Bobcats: This team is the best example of one thing: College basketball is inferior to the NBA. Take every player that had a stellar college season, put them on a team and what happens? They Suck! They SUCK ASS! The BETcats have no shot. Sorry. "Oh, but Icehouse, they play for something more noble than money in college." What's that, an education? Don't attempt to give me a sob story. They don't. They play for free room, board, booze, weed, and girls in college. Only difference is that in the pros they eliminate the middle man and give you straight cash and they let YOU sort it out. I mean, put together a dream team of college players from this decade, you'll see most of them on this team. They still suck. They will suck. They'll draft next year's great college player, and he'll suck. I just can't... you know... fuck it. Just... fuck it.

NBA Divisional Preview: Central

Alright, Central Division, Eastern Conference. Now we're getting into some shit. But as we can all see, Sheed wants that title back!

Detroit Pistons: Another perennial power in the once weak East, these guys know how to win. Or do they? They're always in the favorites, even having the second-best record in the L last year, but just can't seem to get over the hump. Last time they made it to the finals, the Spurs were there to shut them down. Since then, the Heat, Cavaliers, and Celtics have been the team to make it out, while Motown is left wondering what could have been and what went wrong. This squad looks like it's somewhere between the powerhouse days of old and a rebuilding team. After Sheed, Antonio "Dice" McDyess, Chauncey "Mr. Big Shot" Billups, and Rip Hamilton, the most experienced player on the roster is Kwame "Crummy" Brown (!). This is all sorts of crazy. There are too many question marks to say whether or not this team can make it to the finals, but there is plenty of potential in Rodney Stuckey (who we know can ball), Arron Affalo, Will Bynum, and Amir Johnson. Look to Jason Maxiell to develop a 15-17 foot game to justify his wanting a bigger contract.

Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron. That's it. That's all there is to know. The rest of the crew is there, Big Z, Wally, "Sideshow Bob" Varejao. The other players would have to include Daniel "Boobie" Gibson, and newly acquired Mo Williams. But there's only one thing that matters. As goes LeBron, so go the Cavs. These clowns are going to have off nights, but if LeBron has even a slightly less than gold medal performance, they will lose. Of course, if someone can do it, it's gotta be Bron.

Indiana Pacers: Man, now we're getting dirty. The Pacers had a fire sale after the Malace at the Palace, getting rid of all the trouble makers that ran into the crowd and wrecked up the place. Still, they have quite the ill image, thanks to Marquis Daniels and Jamaal Tinsley (although Bird has made it quite clear that Tinsley won't be on the team for long). Add in some unproven college standouts (Roy Hibbert, Josh McRoberts, Brandon Rush), some straight weiners (Travis Deiner, Mike Dunleavy), and the worst rapper in NBA history, Troy Murphy, and you get maybe the worst team in the league.

Milwaukee Bucks: Michael Redd won a gold medal this past summer. The list of positives ends there. They got Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlian, but then what? Andrew Bogut, a bling hater, Luc Mbah a Moute was always questionable, Luke Ridnour, Charlie Villanueva, and Booker Pogue's least favorite Big Easter, Joe Alexander, all... well... fuck it. Gilbert Arenas said it best. Nobody wants to play in Milwaukee.

Chicago Bulls: This once proud franchise has been nothing, repeat, nothing since Jordan left, save for one season filled with hope on the backs of Ben Gordon and Luol Deng. Now, they apparently beef over who gets more money, with Ben Gordon entertaining prospects of going to CSKA Moscow and Luol wishing everybody would just shut up. Joakim Noah is the world's ugliest Chihuahua. Andres Nocioni is the most overpaid Argentine (which is saying a lot). Kirk Hinrich didn't even get invited by Samwise and Frodo to go to Mt. Doom, and they were both some bitches. Drew Gooden sucks. Tyrus Thomas and Larry Hughes play only for a check. Thabo Sefalosha is ok, but never gets passed to. Derrick Rose, the hometown cat, has a little bit of work ahead of him, before he makes good on his MVP aspirations.

NBA Divisional Preview: Atlantic

The NBA season kicks off one week from tonight, so for the next couple of days, we'll be bringing you a preview division by division. Our first division? The Eastern Conference's Atlantic.

The past couple of years have seen the Atlantic be pretty dismal, but as the photo above reminds us, that has definitely changed.

Boston Celtics: You know the story. It was the entire buzz since more than a year ago when the Beantown Green traded their entire team for the Big Ticket and Jesus Shuttlesworth. The pieces around may change, but Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and the self-proclaimed "Best Player in the World" Paul Pierce, know the score. They're back for more, because who knows how long it will last. The x-factor may be Rajon Rondo, who showed fantastic improvement. A consistent J added to Rondo's nose for the ball and mind-boggling speed would definitely bring the C's back to the promised land.

Toronto Raptors: The Canadian team won the second-rate division two years ago, and things have sure changed since. The offense still runs through Bosh, but with the added twist of having Jermaine O'Neal on the squad. The departure of T.J. Ford means that Jose Calderon will be running the point pretty much the entire game. Andrea Bargnani is still improving, but depending on the night, he can be like Dirk Nowitzki, or be an empty uniform. Regardless, don't forget that Jamario Moon can dunk on anybody.

Philadelphia 76ers: Two words: Elton Brand. He's what's important. He's a perpetual 20-10 player, and should be primed to run roughshod all over some of the weaker big guys in the East (although there are increasingly fewer by the day it seems). Add in some young cats that can run and score with the best of them, namely USA Select killer Andre Iguodala, plus Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams, the 6ers should capitalize on their making the playoffs last year.

New Jersey Nets: It's hard to be positive with this team. Sure they have Vince Carter, but the dude hasn't impressed in a while. They traded Richard Jefferson for Yi "Ginandjuice" Jianlian, which will add some size that they haven't seen since the Todd McCullough days. They traded Jason Kidd for about half of the Mavericks last year, but what did they really get out of that? Devin Harris, Eduardo Najera, and the rights to Keith Van Horn. Najera's a decent role player, but Van Horn has been garbage, and even though he's listed on the roster, doesn't even have a number. However, they have Chris Douglass-Roberts, who should be interesting to watch, and Sean Williams. Williams may be the best dunker in the league right now, but he's also dumb enough to say that Najera and Jianlian are Anglo-Saxon. True Story.

New York Knicks: Jamal Crawford and David Lee are good players. The rest of the team looks like a sick joke. Little-ass Nate Robinson flying around, Quentin Richardson wondering where the time went, Stephon Marbury bringing the sort of crazy that only he can, Chris Duhon being team captain, Zach Randolph shooting people, Eddy Curry being fat, Danilo Gallinari wishing he was still in Italy, and Malik Rose being the only player on the team with a ring. Throw in Allan Houston's old ass, and a new coach who loves nothing but fast breaks. Should be fun.

Stay tuned. Should be a fun season.