Thursday, October 23, 2008

NBA Divisional Preview: Southeast

If this picture doesn't get your blood aboilin' you gots problems.

Orlando Magic: Disappointment. That's what last year was. This team should really be getting at people every single night. Dwight Howard is a manchild that hates rims, swallows rebounds by the dozen. Rashard Lewis is the $100 Million Man, and seems to be worth it on most nights. Hedo "Turkeyglue" Turkoglu was the 6th man of the year last year, but could never hit the big shot. Adding Mickael Pietrus will help them out on both ends of the floor, plus the dude is crazy fun to watch. That said, the team has J.J. Redick. Watching that sack of shit fail gives me a filthy kind of pleasure. We're also going to say that he's example #1 of Duke players don't win. However, considering how he never plays, the Magic better get to the ECF, or their season is worthless. Plus they have new unis.

Atlanta Hawks: I don't want to say that this is the team of the future, because that would be just crazy. But, they have a very young core group of guys, and they did take the Celtics to seven in the first round of the playoffs, giving me all the more reason to like them. They don't have any really big names, Mike Bibby being the most recognizable. But, they do have Josh "J-Smoove" Smith, Joe Johnson, Al Horford, Acie Law, and Zaza Pachulia. Well, forget about the last one. The thing is, they ran, they jumped, they irritated people, and the only person they lost was Josh Childress to Olimpiacos (Greece). So, they should be primed to cause damage in the fluid East.

Washington Wizards: A dark horse to win the East a couple of years ago, these guys have fallen on hard times. Gil went from being the deadliest assassin to some jerk who brags about how he doesn't want to vote because both candidates are going to raise taxes on him. And he's always hurt. Brendan Haywood's out for a while. Then you have Caron "The Koran" Butler, who has injury problems, leaving the team to Antawn Jamison. Lump him in with Antonio Daniels (still the funkiest dunker in Spurs history), and a host of no-names who are better at blogging and getting arrested by undercover cops posing as hookers (looking at you, Andray Blatche), and this team will is lucky to be in the East, which almost guarantees a postseason. That's a huge disappointment, but they need to prove me wrong.

Miami Heat: Last season? Fuck 'em. This season? FLASH is back! Did you see the Olympics? Did you see Dwyane Wade flying all over the place, leading USA in scoring off the bench? Assuming he can do that often, the Heat are right back where they left off two years ago. Minus Shaq, of course. Shawn "The Matrix" Marion is an extremely valuable, if not volatile character. But of course, they did get Michael "No snitchin"/"B-Easy" Beasley, who somehow got a mad fine due to Mario "Superintendent" Chalmers' weed smoking during the rookie camp. It's a long, convoluted story apparently. I don't really have anything positive to say about the rest of the team. They're pretty lousy. Udonis Haslem will forever be remembered for throwing his mouthpiece at a ref. Shaun Livingston will forever be remembered for the most grotesque NBA knee injury to date (youtube it and shudder). So... maybe they'll make the playoffs, but don't expect great things.

Charlotte Bobcats: This team is the best example of one thing: College basketball is inferior to the NBA. Take every player that had a stellar college season, put them on a team and what happens? They Suck! They SUCK ASS! The BETcats have no shot. Sorry. "Oh, but Icehouse, they play for something more noble than money in college." What's that, an education? Don't attempt to give me a sob story. They don't. They play for free room, board, booze, weed, and girls in college. Only difference is that in the pros they eliminate the middle man and give you straight cash and they let YOU sort it out. I mean, put together a dream team of college players from this decade, you'll see most of them on this team. They still suck. They will suck. They'll draft next year's great college player, and he'll suck. I just can't... you know... fuck it. Just... fuck it.


  1. It's a good thing anytime you fit a critique of the NCAA machine into an NBA preview.