NFL CRIME WATCH: Larry Johnson

OK, I might as well get in on this "Missouri-Texas Hate Hate Hate" or whatever it is.

Kansas City is in Missouri, right? You know, where the Chiefs play? The Royals? You don't know either, huh?

Anyways, Larry Johnson has been charged with simple assault.

Why is it called simple assault? Because the accuser/people allowing this to happen are simple. As in stupid. As in small-minded.

Larry Johnson pushed a chick in the side of the head while they were in a club. This happened in the wee hours of February 24th, 2008.

Apparently, it took six months for the police to get around to investigating this incident, because more important cases kept popping up. More important than this? I don't know guys. Then, they had a lot of trouble finding a witness, since the event happened half a year prior. Of course, the witness picked Larry Johnson out of the lineup. I wonder if they got five other black males that are on TV on a daily basis in Kansas City to stand next to Larry. Probably not.

But let's get to the heart of the matter. This was a "push" on the side of the head. Everybody picture what this looks like. Not a rap, smack, knock, slap, tickle, hairpull, karatechop, or anything like that. A push. To the side of the head. Have you seen the Chappelle's show episode where he discusses how everything looks better in slow-motion? Well, you can't find it on the internet, because Comedy Central is as uncool as the NFL. Anyways, there's a face-push in that skit, and it doesn't look that bad. Furthermore, it took the accuser eleven hours to report this to police. This means she didn't report it to the security guards at the club, the club management, or even the police that were at the club, also. It took ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS for this trick to decide that she had been wronged. Fucking brilliant.

Now, Johnson's lawyer says that Johnson will be vindicated in his day in court. I should hope so, but Johnson already has one strike on his record. Actually, he has one domestic assault charge that got bumped down, since he took classes and all that shit, and another accusation that got dropped because the accuser decided not to press charges, and failed to show up in court. So one strike, one ball.

Larry Johnson is just guilty of being a jerk. And I'm afraid of the dangerous precedent that this could be setting. If we're going to start locking people up for being jerks, I'm in some trouble.

Threat Level: Anybody who has lovingly rubbed your head.