Tuesday, October 21, 2008

For the Ladies

(Click to set the mood)
God I miss ninth grade dances, remember how it was awesome when girls put their arms around your shoulders. Fuck that balloon rule.
If you are new to the "For the Ladies" series please refer to the post that started it all.

In this edition we are going to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart, corny action flicks.
Observe:

This is where I'm coming from (you really have to watch the whole thing in order to fully appreciate the genius of "Undefeatable")
(also the key to a man's heart is not through his stomach, it is cheering during this scene)

I know most of our male readers love this, however our female readers most likely find this repulsive. So in this edition of "For the Ladies" we are going to create a female viewing guide for corny action films.

First point, Undefeatable is on the same level as this:

Love.
So what do these movies have in common?
Corny lines. Check
Inflated conflict. Check
Predictable plot. Double check.


Here's the thing, all corny action flicks and corny chick flicks are essentially the same. The key is prediction.

So how does someone like Steve Lattimer make it through insufferable love stories? Well the same way I make it through amusing action films, I predict what the hell is going to happen. It's so easy a caveman could do it.

It's like a game, you just try to predict what is going to happen and test your hypothesis at the end of the film. (betting money is highly recommended) Seriously though, I'm positive that most people can predict 90% of the endings of corny action/chick flicks. As Don Delaware says "SCARED $$$$ DON'T MAKE $$$$, BET BIG AND BET YOUR GUT"

Indeed.

So how do you make these predictions? well lets look at a case study.

Steven Seagal.

I'll give you a little excerpt from my thesis paper Steven Seagal: A reflection on American culture.

Steven Seagal embodies the corny action film. However, the principles that define Steven Seagal movies are also present in Chick Flicks.
Observe:

Conflict- In every movie Seagal is fighting somebody, typically he fights terrorists. these terrorists may be domestic, or they may this variety. However, this is not the point. The point is that there is some conflict and Seagal needs to kill this conflict. So what does this have to do with chick flicks? Well...chick flicks also have a conflict, however instead of killing terrorists they have a love conflict. Yes thats right Richard Gere is on the same level as these guys. (It's not Seagal but it's epic)Now, the best part. It's totally predictable Seagal will ultimately kill the terrorists and the two lovebirds will have a fairytale dream.Furthermore, Seagal will have to overcome adversity to kill, just like some character in a chick flick will have to overcome obstacles in order to realize true love. It's the same bullshit, packaged differently.

Arm Breaking-
There are three things I know about Seagal movies, He's going to get in a knife fight, he is going to make an explosive device out of everyday products, and he will break bones. Typically he breaks arms several times, however he will also perform the classic neck snap. What some people fail to realize is that the obligatory Seagal break is the same thing as the romantic kiss. It never fails, Seagal will kill someone and the two lovebirds will kiss.

Cheesy Lines-Seagal's unsung talent is his ability to use corny lines in various movies. To me these lines are hilarious, but not as hilarious as the lines seen in some romantic movies. In order to handle these situations I advise everyone to take these lines for what they are worth, and laugh hysterically when the occur.

Don't try to argue with me, both contain the same substance as my Golden when she wants to play with her rope.

Hopefully, this will give our female readers a sampling of what to expect from a corny action film. Understand that it is essentially the equivalent of a chick flick and the only way to suffer through it is betting on the outcome. Which is more American than apple pie. Seagal, however would not approve because he lives a virtuous life.

Note there are some exceptions where the good guys die in the end. Note here and here. But their death serves a greater purpose. Just like when Jennifer Anniston breaks up with Vince Vaughn in...well "The Break up"

But what about the common ground?

A TGORH reader from Russia writes:

Dear capitalist pig,

My name is Anya and I live in the Sakhanian republic of the Russian Federation. I very much like your Steve Lattimer's For the Ladies segment on The Hobbs of Ghost Roy. You talk very much about understanding however I need common ground in order to better understand husband I will meet in the great USA.

(Note-there is no Russian reader named Anya, and I apologize to our Russian readers for the blunt stereotyping)

1. Great Question Anya!
2. Scoreboard.

Anya poses a great question, are there any movies that can satisfy both testosterone and estrogen?

The answer is a resounding yes. They are crossover movies, or movies disguised as a chick flick/male movie.

Did you ever see Tin cup or Bull Durham? Total romance movies. You don't agree? Think on it for a second....
That's what I thought

The fact of the matter is that there are hundreds of movies which appeal to both

Jerry Maguire? It's a love story, but Cruise is a sports agent dealing with football.

Meet the Parents? It's funny, but it's a Romantic Comedy.

Days of Thunder? "Oh it's about NASCAR so it's cool." (NASCAR is not romantic or cool in any way)

And dare I say...
Top Gun? When you watch that movie you want to do three things. 1. Get a cool nickname. 2. Become a fighter pilot. 3. Hook up with your flight instructor. It is a total chick flick, but its cool because Cruise kills Russians. oh and this scene.

So to recap:
1. predict the end in order to make your viewing experience more enjoyable.
(bet money)
2. Richard Gere=Terrorists.
3. Killing=Kissing.
4. Corny lines know no boundaries.
5. Persuade your significant other to watch a crossover movie.

And always remember.

Stay tuned for the next edition of "For the Ladies"

4 comments:

  1. I only feel slightly more gay for reading this. Only slightly though.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey at least now we are reaching an international audience.
    By the way I think the first fight scene will cover for the gayness you are feeling. Watch that again or the seagal bone breaking clip.

    ReplyDelete
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