Monday, October 20, 2008

Monday Morning Shit Storm.

Yes, That is Chase Daniel. Yes, He is eating a booger. Yes, I deserved everything that happened this weekend. Karma is a bitch.
But hey the Rams won, which is nice.

To the Rays of Tampa: THANK YOU

On to the shit storm, I took a little road trip this weekend. And let me tell you it was insane, girls, booze, townies...actually none of that happened, I had to get a desk out of my sister's house. Actually, the townie part is true. We also went to the wine bar, and being the wise-ass that I am, I asked for the 2005 Boone's Farm Melon Ball.

They did not have it.

But, it seems that every time I go on a drive for more than 2 hours I witness every driving fault imaginable. Of course, like everyone else I believe I'm the best driver evar. I mean the list of driving pet peeves goes on forever, but the main issue I have all stems from the left lane.

Hey Honda Odyssey from Georgia, the left lane is for people who want to speed, If you want to drive 65 mph, go in the right lane and drink a glass of milk. The guy behind you has a tricked out honda civic, and I'm 99% sure that he has a radar detector, when he slows down I slow down. But, what really chaps my ass is the Escalade behind me. Listen, I realize the SOP to pass people, is to tail them at 70mph, but there is no way in hell I'm pulling over so you can advance 10 feet, and wait in the Honda train. That Civic is my wingman, and you never...ever leave your wingman. Look what happened to Goose and Maverick.

So for the shit storm, list the most egregious driving faults. Bonus points if you can identify a state or region where the faults occur.

Shit storm begin.


  1. I also can't stand it when people pass you and then slow down to the speed limit. Go hard or go home.

  2. And lets not forget people who come to a complete stop on freeway entrances.

  3. Ok, this may be a little long, and it's going to be pretty crazy.


    I hate police. Know why? Because they see me rolling, they hating. Traffic cops aren't like normal cops. I don't have any problem with cops who chase down muggers, solve murders, and whomp on sex offenders with phone books.

    Traffic cops are a different form taxes. The jerk-ass form. The ones that pull you over, search your car, act like pricks, and take your money.

    Furthermore, there is also a myriad laws to prevent driving how I want. Our badass interstate system was based on the German Autobahn. WHY CAN'T WE DRIVE LIKE IT? It's fucking nonsense.

    Finally, if you get a ticket for speeding over 100 MPH in Texas, you can be prosecuted for "Driving with the intent to kill." This was explained to me while a state trooper wrote down that I was clocked at 99, when in reality I wasn't. He thought he was being cool.

  4. I hate it when cars speed up behind me when I'm already doing 83. If someone is just going faster than I am, by all means, I'll let them pass. But if someone comes speeding up behind me like some sort of punk teenage dirtbag? The best thing to do is just let off the gas; that way, you'll slow down considerably, yet your break lights will not come on. Sweet justice be praised!

  5. Here is how you deal with people who tail you. You simply slow down, fire off your washer fluid, and watch them turn on their windshield wipers.

  6. States that don't have Whataburger at every exit get to me.

    Pretty much any fast food that doesn't appeal to me pisses me off on road trips.

  7. I also hate when people try to get in front of you (When everyone is stopped) by forcing their tailgate in front of yours. I also hate it when there is construction and everyone follows the rules and merges into one lane, but there is one tool who flies up the open lane and tries to pull in in front of everyone who acknowledged the signs 5 miles back.

  8. People going the same speed side by side are the worst. There literally should be mandatory jail for this.

  9. Sometimes I feel like 18-wheel truck drivers change lanes for spite and spite alone. That's just haphazard and dangerous.

  10. I hate trucks, and I ran the gauntlet this weekend. I also shit my pants when I did it.

  11. Trucks are awesome. One day I'm going to become a trucker.

    Eastbound and down.

  12. My grandpa was a trucker. And he was good, too.

    His CB name and preferred moniker was - and still is - Father Time. Don't be jealous that I get to call my grandfather Father Time, just be happy to know that he's awesome.

    PS - I hate seeing religious aphorisms crudely scribbled into the backs of dirty trailers. It offends me as a Christian and as someone who enjoys grammar. Let's keep it dignified people.

  13. Here here, Jerry, I concur.

    You know, when cars were first invented, they were designed to simply drive everyone around by command, none of this mental strain attached. Somewhere along the way, we forgot the true purpose and got focused on the aesthetics, like rims and tailpipes. It's a shame. I'd have a LeBaron if it could drive me around unaided.

    I also don't care for jaywalkers. There's a right way and a wrong way. Look before you cross, lady, this Suburban can't stop on a dime.

  14. Stop lights. And stop signs. Anything that hinders me getting from point a to point b.