Monday, October 6, 2008

MLB Crime Watch: Cubs Moral Collapse Follows Playoff Collapse

Saturday, Oct. 11, the Chicago Cubs were swept by the Los Angeles Dodgers in the first round of the National League Divisional Series. Immediately following that loss, a series of emergency and non-emergency calls were placed to the Chicago Police Dept. regarding erratic and possibly violent behavior around the city and elsewhere. Police believed the loss had driven some literally mad (not mad-angry, mad-crazy). The transcripts read as follows:

2:56 AM: 456 West Goober St., Chicago, IL
A woman phoned into the CPD station complaining of a man driving his ’98 Honda Accord all over her lawn. The woman was quoted as saying the smell of alcohol was potent on the man’s breath, and his lack of pants was equally offensive. Upon arrival, four S.W.A.T. teams were forced to subdue a man who identified himself as Lou Pinella. Pinella gave the law enforcement officers a stern talking to about the dangers of winning in the post-season. Whether or not this incident was related to another incident allegedly involving Pinella clogging eleven (11) toilets in Los Angeles International Airport is still under investigation.
ARRESTED: LOU PINELLA, aliases- Butter, Disco, and Hank Pinella.

1:34 AM: 119 Stoneleigh St., Chicago, IL
Four men were injured in a crossfire-incident in a residential burrow of Chicago’s south side. Carlos Zambrano, a Venezuelan non-citizen working in the Chicago area, was arrested on suspicion of hurling projectiles at high-speeds all “willy-nilly,” according to one eyewitness. “He was throwing rocks, beer cans and phone books through walls, somewhere around 96 m.p.h.," said Officer Irish O’Stereotype. “He were’t a-throwin’ the tings round, loike a madman he was!” Zambrano was held at a local jail until he choked his way out of containment. He is considered dangerous when he has an arm.

8:30 AM: 700 Clark Ave., St. Louis, MO
Jim Edmonds was arrested for trespassing into Busch Stadium and sleeping in centerfield. The man was found curled up in the fetal position and drying his tears with a fresh beard and old photos of himself in some kind of Cardinal red outfit. STLPD found the happening odd, and released Edmonds after buying him a candy bar to cheer him up.
ARRESTED: JIM EDMONDS, aliases- Guy From the Brawny Paper Towel Picture.

8:32 AM: 23 Broadway, Aurora, IL
Pitcher Ryan Dempster was given a stern warning for foul language at a local PTA meeting in suburban Aurora yesterday morning. Dempster was quoted as saying somebody made some “poopy tasting coffee,” and he was immediately reprimanded. Dempster was forced to sit in the time-out corner wearing a dunce cap.
ARRESTED: not RYAN DEMPSTER (That’d be too hardcore), aliases- Dad.

4:01 PM: 3013 Mason Ave., Chicago, IL
A family of five called CPD to report an Asian man who was causing a series of domestic disturbances in the Lincoln Park area. Kosuke Fukudome was arrested for allegedly karate chopping numerous innocent bystanders. He was released several hours later after successfully bicycle-kicking over ten men, a la Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, after a bet from the warden that he could not achieve the feat.
ARRESTED: KOSUKE FUKUDOME, aliases- Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Mr. Miyagi.

3:44 AM: 1060 West Addison, Chicago, IL
Wrigley Field security arrested Alfonso Soriano after stealing second base. He was not charged with actually stealing second, rather he was charged for trespassing- according to MLB records during the playoffs, he had no business being on first base to begin with.
ARRESTED: ALFONSO SORIANO, aliases- “Boo!” “You Suck!” and “Player of the Century!”


  1. Just wait until next year when Kerry Wood is healthy.

    Get it?

  2. One time I saw Kerry Wood hit a ball that hit the speakers hanging from the roof of the Astrodome. It was fucking awesome.

  3. Old Booker Pogue, Commonwealth of Kentucky. OHHHHHHHHHH SHEEEEEEEEET

  4. He probably sprained his neck doing it. But as long as Cubs fans can say, "if KW was healthy..." their heads don't explode. They need that shit.