Wednesday, October 1, 2008

For the Ladies.

(click to set the mood)
Who loves ya baby?

That's right Steve Lattimer does.

Our humble blog has been around for a little over a year, and two things have become apparent. First, while our mission statement is providing you with "Your source for sports and culture analysis from the natural himself," we have been heavy on the sports, and light on the culture. Second our blog is a glorified sausage fest. This is the last thing we wanted when we created this blog. We are also the same guys who sit at a party, make fun of people, and claim that the party is in fact a sausage fest without doing anything about it.

That shit is about to change.

So in order to increase the mmmm stimulation of our female readers, we are installing a new series entitled "For the Ladies"

I told you I loved ya baby.

For our first installment we are making a sports viewing guide specifically for those special ladies in our life. We will make some connections and create some common ground.

But first a little history.

I'm sure many of our lady friends watched "A Walk to Remember." I did too. It was the worst 101 minutes of my life. Honestly, it was horrible. But it dawned on me the other day, the way I feel about that movie is probably similar to the way our friends who pee sitting down view something like the Superbowl. I started thinking about all the connections between sports and stereotypical girl shows, and I realized they are all the same. So take this post as an introduction of how we can both find common ground, and understanding, when we watch hours upon hours of pointless TV.

So why am I qualified to talk about this subject. 1. good question, between sisters and girlfriends, over the years I have been subjugated to this particular form of entertainment. Oh, I know all about the Hills, One Tree Hill, and the Bachelor. 2. Don't question me again.

Ok, so first off some general guidelines:

Form allegiances. I think the main reason I'm able to watch all of these shows is the fact that I form fierce allegiances. Ladies, take my word for it and find some team that you like, for any whatever reason, then support them to the bitter end. If I can find some reason to pull for a contestant in America's next top model then you can surely find some NFL team to root for. Trust me, having a blind devotion to a certain team or character makes TV so much better.

Next, take every game you watch way too seriously. Whenever I have to watch a random episode of "The real housewives of NYC" I take it as seriously as I possibly can. You remember when Ramona didn't invite Jill to her dinner party? God that was intense. Anyway the point is that you should view the same MNF game with the same intensity of "The Real Housewives." I guess my real point is that you have to force yourself to care in any way possible. It will make everything better. (Who am I kidding housewives of NYC is compelling TV)

Premiers - Do you remember when we were all jacked about the start of football season? Yeah well guess what, you were just as excited about the new season of the hills. See it's all the same, a premiere is a premiere. We have all been waiting, analyzing, predicting, and shit talking for months. Even if you don't like the show/sport you'll watch opening night because it's something to get excited about. The next day you'll talk to your friends about it and ultimately lose interest. So when your better half is watching opening night, or a season premiere, just think of it like the Hills.

Rivalries- Ok so you know on the Hills when the one blonde is pissed off at the other blonde? Yeah L.C and Heidi. Guess what. It is the same thing as Texas vs OU, Auburn vs. Alabama, Cards vs Cubs. A rivalry is a rivalry. I'm sure you know a guy who is associated with some sports rivalry, and do you want to know a way to a man's heart? Talk shit about the team he hates the most. It doesn't even have to be insightful (Rivalries aren't about that) all you have to say is stuff like, "God OU fans are losers" "Cubs fans are just drunk college kids...they don't care about the game" "You know what...fuck Sewanne" If he is a Heidi guy then guess what, L.C is trash, screw her, she's so full of herself.

Loved/Hated sports figures- Ok so there has to be someone out of all these TV shows that you simply cannot stand. Spencer comes to mind. Guess what, guys hate certain people just like you!!! Like you, we haven't met these people, the only thing we know about them comes from TV, yet we can't stand them. Put it this way, Hating Tyra from America's next top model, is the same thing as guys hating Brett Favre. Sure, on the surface they both say the right things, but when you get down to it, all they care about is attention. (Oh yeah Tyra, its all about you isn't it?) So here is a tip when you have to watch sports. Find someone you hate, and just start saying hateful things towards them. That's what guys do. On the flip side, every guy has some sports figure he is totally gay for. I'm sure there is someone on some show that you love. Put it this way, I think Tim Gunn is the most insightful, and colorful personality on TV. (If only we could get this type of analysis on ESPN... "When mixing patterns think color and scale" that is genius) But I feel the same way about Gunn as I do about Albert Pujols. So really all you have to do is find someone you like, and cheer for them.

Playoffs- Ok for a guy this is huge. whether or not their team is in the mix. Basically playoffs represent a compelling reason to watch TV. But do you really want to know what the playoffs are like? THE F-ING BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE. Oh my gosh the comparison is so easy. In fact I don't know why girls don't have an office bracket for the bachelor...In fact F-that TGORH will have a Bachelor bracket. You better bring it because I was on top of my game this summer. Anyway the latest edition of the Bachelorette is a prime example of how girl shows are the exact same as sports. Bachelor=NCAA tournament.
First lets look at Jeremy. Jeremy is basically Duke. He's good, very good, yet most people hate him. Why? He's white, He's cocky, He gets all the calls (Look at how much time he got with DeAnna) And he cries when he loses. Oh sure there are some people who love Jeremy, but at the end of the day most people hate him because of his success. See Jeremy=Duke.

Graham- Graham, for all intents, is the Memphis of the bachelorette. You all know Graham looked unbeatable early in the season. Yeah, he had his faults, but you knew it was his rose to lose. Guess what. He f-d up. Much like Memphis or any other team with unlimited amount of potential he couldn't close the deal. And before you say "Oh Lattimer it's so hard to win the NCAA tournament" guess what THIS IS THE F-ING BACHELORETTE YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO WIN DEANNA'S HEART. SHE DOESNT DICK AROUND. Damn it was Graham's to lose.

Jason- Jason is you're safe bet, overall easy pick to get to the final four. You know he's good, you know he'll get through all that trash in the early rounds, but can he win the big one? Jason is basically Kansas, UNC, and UCLA all wrapped into one. You don't really hate Jason because you know he has the skills to be there, yet you kind of feel bad when he loses. All that tradition, all the off season work, hell sometimes the Jason's of the world have a compelling story. (His son) But shit, you know what, sometimes the Jason's lose. But don't worry you know they'll be back next year.

Give em hell Jason.

Jesse- Holy shit. Jesse is he quintessential Cinderella story, coming out of nowhere to wreck shit on the establishment. If you're a girl and watched the Bachelorette this summer, Jesse's run through the field is the equivalent of Villanova in 1985. Not only was Jesse a bracket buster, but he won the whole fucking thing. Hell yes Jesse. Who would have thought, the snowboarder coming out of nowhere and winning the final rose. It's compelling shit. Look if you didn't want Jesse to win in some way, then you obviously don't like Cinderella stories, and you also hate America.

Hell if we get enough response we'll do a bachelor live blog.

Ladies, I'm not trying to indoctrinate you into loving sports and becoming Tammy Tomboy. What I'm doing is sharing some secrets that helped me survive years and years of girls shows. I feel like my system will help you watch sports in the same way it helped me watch estrogen induced TV. It's really easy all you have to do is take it way too seriously, and make the connections between the shows you love and the sports we love. Next time you hear a guy talk about a season opener, rivalry, or playoffs, just think "Hey its just like Janice Dickinson"

And if you still hate all of this shit...At least these guys are playing the superbowl.

Ladies, feel free to leave comments about other shows and issues we should discuss.


  1. Can't wait to see where this goes.

  2. This is wacky and i like it. Lattimer, my friend, you watch way too much tv. It's impressive.

  3. Just randomly found your blog. As a lady and a sports fan I love it. Hope you do more in this vein:).