Bills' WR Terrell Owens Warned by Buffalo PD that 'Highfalutin' City Boy Antics' Won't Fly

BUFFALO — In a pre-preemptive attempt to curb Buffalo, New York's newest neighbor, Police Chief Ralph Alsobrook says he's going to "nip this TO problem in the bud."

"These highfalutin' city boy antics of his won't fly here in Buffalo," said Alsobrook, from the steps of the City Hall/Denny's parking lot, adjacent to the Shell station, and caddy-corner to Old Man Johnson's pumpkin farm. "If he wants to act like some dummy, and disrupt my peace, he's gonna hafta find somewhere else to do it."

The trade of the once-coveted receiver from Dallas to Buffalo sent shockwaves through the small town of Buffalo, spreading from the epicenter of Edwards-Caldwell Drug Store, which houses the town radio, outward into the far reaches of the community.

A similar statement was released two years ago when Cal RB Marshawn Lynch was drafted by the Bills, but tempers were quelled when Lynch's request to join the Buffalo NRA was approved.

Texas-Missouri Love-in

You said it, Abe.

Anyways, I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with ways to make fun of Mizzou, because most of this has been a one-way street so far. But I couldn't find any funny pictures of the Mizzou mascot (Tigers? Real fucking original, dickfaces.), and I can't really think of any Missouri stereotypes to poke fun at. What am I going to do? Make fun of the Cardinals for getting swept by the Red Sox? No.

But one thing I have realized, is that the University of Missouri hasn't won a football game in Austin since 1896.

Read that again.

1896 was a big year, guys. The world stood at the cusp of a new century. The talk of a silver standard permeated the presidential election. 8-year-old Irish immigrants suffered through the black lung to bring precious coal to heat burgeoning burgs. So if you really think Mizzou has a shot, then don't vote Obama-Biden or McCain-Palin. Vote McKinley-Hobart.

I would also like to take this time to remind our readers of important things that have happened in the time that has passed since Mizzou won a football game in Austin, TX.

-Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, and Hawaii became states.
-The Spanish-American War
-Strom Thurmond's entire lifetime
-Two World Wars
-Prohibition
-One Depression, Several Recessions
-Women gained the right to vote
-Jim Crow abolished
-The Titanic has sunk, been lost, been found, and made into a film
-Child Labor laws enacted
-Brown v. Board of Education
-Civil Rights Act Enacted
-Every single Super Bowl
-Communism has risen, and fallen in Russia
-Man has been to space, and even landed on the fucking moon
-Rock and Roll was invented
-21 different presidents have served
-Marijuana has been deemed illegal in all 50 states
-Drinking age has been raised to 21
-The Vietnam War
-The Roaring Twenties
-Motion Pictures (or 'Movies') have been invented. They have also been given sound. They have also been made entirely of animation. They have also been made by solely computers
-All three Godfather movies
-Star Trek, and Star Wars
-The internet
-28 Summer Olympics
-The Cubs won a World Series
-Automobiles
-Recycling
-One good president killed, one good president wounded, one bad president wounded
-The Simpsons
-Nuclear power harnessed for good and evil
-Brett Favre's career
-Cloning
-Two wars in Iraq
-Color Barrier broken in every single major sport in the world.
-The Forward Pass
-Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle."
-Mark Twain's death
-The United States put some shit on Mars
-Elvis Presley's entire lifetime
-The Beatles
-Hip-Hop invented
-Sports Illustrated Magazine
-The change of centuries has twice led to mass hysteria and suicides
-Potato Famine
-Airplanes, helicopters
-James Bond
-Television, Radio, iPhone

Needless to say. It's been a while. Football isn't even recognizable between then and now. Helmets, dog. Mouthpieces. Shit like that.

Well, enjoy.

NFL CRIME WATCH: Larry Johnson

OK, I might as well get in on this "Missouri-Texas Hate Hate Hate" or whatever it is.

Kansas City is in Missouri, right? You know, where the Chiefs play? The Royals? You don't know either, huh?

Anyways, Larry Johnson has been charged with simple assault.

Why is it called simple assault? Because the accuser/people allowing this to happen are simple. As in stupid. As in small-minded.

Larry Johnson pushed a chick in the side of the head while they were in a club. This happened in the wee hours of February 24th, 2008.

Apparently, it took six months for the police to get around to investigating this incident, because more important cases kept popping up. More important than this? I don't know guys. Then, they had a lot of trouble finding a witness, since the event happened half a year prior. Of course, the witness picked Larry Johnson out of the lineup. I wonder if they got five other black males that are on TV on a daily basis in Kansas City to stand next to Larry. Probably not.

But let's get to the heart of the matter. This was a "push" on the side of the head. Everybody picture what this looks like. Not a rap, smack, knock, slap, tickle, hairpull, karatechop, or anything like that. A push. To the side of the head. Have you seen the Chappelle's show episode where he discusses how everything looks better in slow-motion? Well, you can't find it on the internet, because Comedy Central is as uncool as the NFL. Anyways, there's a face-push in that skit, and it doesn't look that bad. Furthermore, it took the accuser eleven hours to report this to police. This means she didn't report it to the security guards at the club, the club management, or even the police that were at the club, also. It took ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS for this trick to decide that she had been wronged. Fucking brilliant.

Now, Johnson's lawyer says that Johnson will be vindicated in his day in court. I should hope so, but Johnson already has one strike on his record. Actually, he has one domestic assault charge that got bumped down, since he took classes and all that shit, and another accusation that got dropped because the accuser decided not to press charges, and failed to show up in court. So one strike, one ball.

Larry Johnson is just guilty of being a jerk. And I'm afraid of the dangerous precedent that this could be setting. If we're going to start locking people up for being jerks, I'm in some trouble.

Threat Level: Anybody who has lovingly rubbed your head.