Mike Beasley really shouldn't be trying to sell drugs with D'Angelo when they both work for Avon.

Last night, while perusing my tumblr dashboard, I came across two pictures that seemed identical. "Haha!" I thought to myself. "Somebody trusted their queue again. Noobs." I probably said this aloud, as all my friends now live inside the internet and cannot hear me. But no. The images are in fact similar yet... different.


Enhance.




It's... uncanny.

Thanks to NBA Offseason and Art of the Wire for making that magical moment possible.

Good Night, Sweet Prince

Bill Walton hath retired.

Quite the shame, really. He was certainly missed last year as he struggled with back pain.

Some people hate on Bill Walton, which I just don't get. As far as color-commenting went, he was hilarious. He was also kind of the anti-Van Gundy in that he might disparage the same people for the same reasons, but without the fast-talking eastern pentameter. Walton was a sage of the court, the original roundball flower child.

Given to hyperbole, absolutes and favoritism, it was plenty of fun to listen to all the different ways that he could come up with to say that someone was good at basketball. A few of my favorites:
-"Andrei Kirilenko is the best 3-on-1 fast break player in the NBA."
-"Charlie Ward is the best in-bounds passer in the history of basketball."
-“John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western Civilization!”

The same could be said about him saying bad things about people as well. For instance, I apparently have seen "the two worst shots in the proud history of the Houston Rockets." Thanks, Cuttino Mobley!

His announcing during any international contest was fantastic, as he would just open up the wikipedia page of any given country and start spouting off GDP statistics, or the interesting topography of Argentina, for instance.

He loved Rock n' Roll and Basketball, in that order. Luke Walton once said that his earliest memory is Jerry Garcia running naked around his dad's backyard teepee. That teepee must have been a muhfuckin party.

As the final eulogy of the greatest sports announcer in the history of television, I will say three resounding renditions of, "Todd MacCullough throw it down throw it down," and "Amare Stoudemire! Winner of the genetic lottery!"

As much as I like hip hop Van Gundy, I'm going to miss Bill Walton.

Television: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

TV is great.

I was going to write something else. I actually had it all lined up and everything. But then my TV attacked. Seriously, this was out of control.

First of all, the Rangers played the Tigers. Two pretty even teams kicking ass was pretty fun. This had all the funny shit deserving of a Rangers game. A Granderson lead-off home run started the wackiness. Nelson Cruz and Michael Young ended up jacking a couple dingers for the Rangers to take the lead at home, though. Three points of interest. 1) A guy caught a foul ball in his left hand while holding a baby in his right hand. Child endangerment rules. 2) The cast of "Legally Blonde: The Musical" where there. Because when there's 162 games, you're going to have to watch some stupid shit from time to time. 3) The announcer introduced Fu-Te Ni as Fu-Te "the knight that says" Ni. That was pretty funny.

Moving on.

The T.O. show. I guess somebody asked, "how can we make this guy less appealing." The answer is hire to bitchy PR folks, a flatulant sidekick, and pay the $25 it takes to put something on VH1. Fuck me this is terrible. You know the world is a horrible place when other people make Terrell Owens look grounded. Sheeeit.

And then there's Futurama. I wish I watched this show more when it was actually on. Tonight was one of the phenomenal sports-related episodes. With Bob Uecker as a guest star, Leela becomes a star of Blurnsball. In typical Futurama fashion, absolutely nothing makes sense (least of all the character of Hank Aaron XXX). The main point is the very end, which is basically the funniest home run of all time.

And now for the real inspiration for this post. Shaquille O'Neal is on WWE Raw. DIDYOUJUSTREADTHATSHIT?! Yeah. It's fucking great. Jerry Lawler just said, "Boomshakalaka." A couple of things I learned tonight. First, The Big Show still sucks. However, he's teamed with Chris Jericho, who is still the funniest character. Second, there are a LOT of Chris Cooley jerseys in the crowd in D.C. Third, that one dude from the Real World a couple years back, that called himself "The Miz" is now a wrestler. He comes out with a faux-hawk, talks shit to the Wizards fans in the house, and then yells, "I'M AWESOME." Gotta admit. That's pretty funny.

So anyways, love your TV. Give it a kiss.

...Football

Comingtoyaaaahaaaa
"...Starters only play for a series"

Respectfully, eat shit I've been watching the Florida blue/white game, NFL game of the week, and 1999 De La Salle vs. Mater Dei for the past four months.
Honestly, I don't give a shit its live football...and it's here.

tonight is a pretty perfect night, my suggested viewing schedule follows...(all times eastern)
8 pm.-9 pm. watch the first quarter and a half of the hall of fame game, allowing just enough time to build up your Madden/Michaels tolerance level.
9-10:15 Generation Kill.
10:15-11 Football.