The Gideon Files, Part 2

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup cockknocks?! How you bitches been doing since I laid it down on y'all? HA! I know you've just been sitting around with your thumbs up your asses. You bitches don't hustle like me. I FLY AROUND THE FIELD.

So many of you are probably all like, "What's a badass motherfucker like Blake Gideon doing talking to me through this queer-ass blog?" Well the answer should be obvious to all of you. This year is so totally awesome that we get the season started early. That's right, the best season of the year, Flip Cup season. Normally I've got other shit going on until - psh, at LEAST like, January or some shit. But not this year. THIS year we get it on RIGHT NOW.

Flip cup is a game of champions you have to be committed. Focused. You have to stare fear in the face and be all, "I'm gonna slam this lukewarm ounce of foam and expertly land this cup upside down with a flick of the wrist." You KNOW there's going to be people yelling in your ear, and you KNOW your bros will never let you live it down if you choke. It's not like when you over pursue a running back, forcing you to try and chase him down after giving him a 20 yard head start. It's not even like when you're about to lay the smack down, but instead get smacked down. After something like that, you just go back to the sideline. No, this is different.

Since this year is so special, I'm throwing a kick off party to set the tone. It's going to be EPIC. Sam! Hey Macho Acho, my Nacho-eating BRAcho!



Sam Acho: Ugh. Hi Blake.

Blake Gideon: You coming to the fiesta tonight, bro? There's gonna be sluts and frosty bronsons!

Sam Acho: While I'd like to sit here and explain to you how your use of the word 'slut' is indicative of your entire disaffected psychosis, I'd rather just tell you that I can't, because it's Wednesday and in the middle of finals.

Blake Gideon: ...

Sam Acho: Be well, Blake. I know it's not your fault you are the way you are.

Blake Gideon: Studying's lame, bro. Way lamer than sluts.

Sam Acho: Always a pleasure conversing with you, Blake.

Blake Gideon: Sam's deep, bro. Deep like I was into your mom last night, RIGHT?! GET IT?! HAHAHAHA AWESOME!

[holds up hand for high-five]

So anyway. This party is going to be off the chizzy. Everyone who's anyone is going to be there. Hey coach! COACH! COOOOOAAAAAACH!


Will Muschamp: You're the man, Blake!

Blake Gideon: I know, RIGHT?! So, are you--

Will Muschamp: Blake, I've got something to tell you. You know how you've always been my coach on the field?

Blake Gideon: Shit yeah, brah! You know I got you!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Um. Well, you... you keep doing that, ok?

Blake Gideon: SHIT YEAH! Hey coach, you're coming to my house for some rowdy FC, right? You know, flip cup?

Will Muschamp: Um. Wow, uh, I thought... Blake, look. I can't. I've gotta go...

Blake Gideon: Go where?

Will Muschamp: Go... go get some FourLokos. You just... you just hang tight, ok?

Blake Gideon: Tight like these sophomores' asses I'm gonna hit later tonight!

Will Muschamp: Yeah. Just like that.

[leaves]

Blake Gideon: Coach is the coolest. Flip cup baaaabaaaayyyyy. WOOOOOOOO!

Recycled Post: Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Icehouse wrote this post last year. Some of it is specific to the 2009 Red River Shootout, but most of it is still relevant. Enjoy.

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

It's about time.

Yep. He knew it then, and he was right.

Reggie Bush was a phenomenal college player. He just wasn't the best college player that year. Vince Young won more games by his lonesome. Reggie Bush was more or less the icing on the cake for USC, like if you parked a Ferrari on an aircraft carrier. Sure it's pretty sweet, but all in all pretty superfluous.

Win a game for us, Vince.


The reason I say this (other than how true it is), is that I'm trying to get a sense of why the Heisman committee did this. Talking with Stovall, he calmed me down and made me think rationally.

USC always had this huge media focus that entire season. Remember the month-long fellatio session that ESPN put on, putting out poll after poll showing that America believed the 2005 Southern Cal team to be better than every other championship team ever? Man, that was silly.

So maybe the intense media focus that they basked in is to blame. Could it be that playing under a microscope contributed to Reggie getting stripped of his Heisman? Probably. The NCAA has a long history of hypocrisy and idiocy. They've been on a rampage as of late, and probably felt like in addition to going after entire programs, they probably should spank one individual, and he was the one that they thought of first. Because he was their darling little chipmunk, yes he was.

They said that he "tarnished the reputation of the Heisman trophy." Do they know who they've been giving that trophy to? Not everybody can be Tim Tebow, you know. I'm just assuming here, but I'm willing to bet boosters did something for Tebow. Just a thought.

But then again, maybe they realized they made a huge-ass mistake, and would do anything to make it right. That's probably it.

Play us off real classy-like, Vince.

CFB Preview

#8 University of Texas

Offense: Garret Gilbert, Cody Johnson, Tre Newton, Malcolm Williams, James Kirkendoll, Marquise Goodwin.

Defense: Sam Acho, Emmanuel Acho, Dustin Earnest, Aaron Williams, Chykie Brown, Curtis Brown.

Special Teams: Curtis Brown can return punts which will give him practice at picking off any dying ducks heaved up by the garbage QBs he'll see this season, Marquise Goodwin is faster than everyone.

Initial Thoughts: Texas doesn't rebuild, they reload.

People will call me crazy for this, but I've got more confidence in this team than I did in last year's team. Colt McCoy had to literally win more games than any other college quarterback ever to win me over. Granted, he did, but he still doesn't inspire the same confidence that Gilbert does. Maybe it's because I saw him get knocked out of big games throughout his career, but I just never saw him finishing anything.

Texas fans will surely miss the closeted homosexual Jesus freaks (McCoy and circlejerk roommate pardner Jordan Shipley), but just because ESPN crammed that sappy shit down our throats doesn't mean that they are the be-all end-all of Longhorn football.

Gilbert definitely doesn't have McCoy's speed, but he's got the confidence to step in to the biggest game of his life when McCoy goes down, suffer through a series or two of garbage play calling, then come out with a re-energized purpose in the second half, and play acceptably. More snaps with the first team and a better feel for the speed of the college game will only help.

I was sad to see Earl Thomas go, simply because he was the best player the Longhorns had last year. Well, that and he would clean up Blake Gideon's messes. But looking at the defensive backfield, three dudes (the Browns and Aaron Williams) have great shots at playing at the next level.

Sergio Kindle was an empty uniform for much of last year, but I wish him all the best on the Ravens. He won't be missed. Texas is stacked at defensive end and linebacker. They could throw fresh bodies at you at any time and not miss a step.

Moreover, last year I had a LOT of doubts about the offensive line. If you watched them, they had more than their fair share of troubles. People had to be shuffled around, often mid-game, to try and marginalize problems. This year, they pretty much return everybody, all a year wiser. Also, this year, all tight ends survived the summer, which is better than last year, when none of them did.

So let's look at their schedule. Texas Tech in the third game might make some peoples' buttholes pucker up, but let's remember that the Red Raiders no longer have Leach. He was the only thing that made them a force to be reckoned with.

Then comes the gauntlet. September 25th against UCLA could be the bell-weather. An unknown non-conference that is no stranger to playing big games that early in the season. The next week, Texas takes on Oklahoma in the annual temptation of Icehouse's violent urges. Then comes a bye week, followed by Nebraska. Nebraska seems fearsome, I guess, but they no longer have DonkeyKong Suh, so I'm inclined to scoff at their preseason ranking. Unfortunately, they go from West Coast high-fliers, the emotional drain of the Red River Shootout, then having to grind one out against the Huskers. The off-week could either provide much-needed recuperation, or they could come out flat. Hopefully they clobber the first two teams and come out firing for Nebraska.

Truthfully, I could see Texas A&M pissing in the Longhorn's cheerios this season. At least it's played in Austin as opposed to College Station, as Kyle Field is intimidating as fuck. But home/away debates aside, Jerrod Johnson is really good, and he's tired of losing to the 'Horns. I could see him going into beast mode for his last charge against the hated orange juggernaut.

The Longhorns are perfectly poised to run the table again, at least as much as Alabama is. Would anyone really hate a rematch for the National Title?*

*Besides, of course, SEC haters, Texas haters, the playoff contingency, the Pac-10, the Big 10 (11), Oklahomans, and several other assorted groups I've failed to mention.

The Gideon Files

Blake Gideon is a Junior Safety at the University of Texas. While he may lead the team in effort, he continues to be a baffling display of what NOT to do while playing safety. Off the field, it only gets worse.

'Sup, bitches? BG in the house. All up in your shit like I'm leaving bibles on your dresser. HAHA! You like that? You see, the Gideons are a group of people that leave bibles in hotel rooms or some shit. But just because we share the same name doesn't mean I'm one of them. That's the joke! YOU GET IT, MOTHERFUCKER?! Yeah you do. Shit yeah you do.

So what's been up? Oh yeah! Summer, brah, summer. It's been a real treat. Hittin' up the lake on the regular, I got some grades back from some classes I was supposed to show up at, and totally aced them. I'm so fucking smart.

The whole summer's been a blast. I saw Cedric Benson down on West Sixth over Memorial Day. I went to give him a high-five, but missed, and whacked this guy behind him. I think it was a bouncer or some shit. He got all pissed off about it, so I told him to go fuck himself. Long story short, I think Ced has some legal troubles.

Then this past weekend. Ohohhohoho man. FIJI Island, motherfuckers! The best party in the whole world! You don't know shit about it, bro. Nothing. You have no clue how hard we party. We party to the max, just like I play football! BALLS TO THE WALL!

So afterwards, we were chilling and shit at some bro's house. We had some honeys over there, and I was skeezing on these chicks up here taking summer school classes. 17-year-olds, bro, you know what I'm saying? They LOVE to get them a piece of the Gideon. I'M THE FASTEST GINGER IN THE WORLD! LOOK HOW FAST I SPRINT TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE, EVEN IF IT'S A PASSING PLAY! I RUN SO FAST I WHIFF ON EVERY TACKLE! THAT'S FAST!

The after party was the bizomb. Sergio was back in town, about to bounce to Baltimore to play for the Ravens. He's gonna kill it in the NFL, I just know it. I can't wait to get there myself. I'm definitely going to. Did you see how I almost had the game-winning interception against Tech in '08? But for realz, Serge was cool. I was telling him he was gonna be awesome in the league, then as he was blowing me off, I went in to give him a bro grab. I missed, and ended up headbutting him. Since I'm so jacked, I don't really know the strength of my accidental headbutts, so he went flying down some stairs. I think it showed up on the news or some shit.

Either way, he's gonna be doing his thing, and I'm gonna get back on my grind. With Earl up in Seattle now, I'm the leader of the defensive backfield. Doesn't that just make your freckles tingle! WOOO! LONGHORNS ALL THE WAY!

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is was a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS IS DEAD! LONG LIVE DOGUS!

Dogus is dead. He has no more reason to go on living. He has been dead for quite some time now, for all intents and purposes. His ligaments, they have been torn.

Who will want Dogus now? The agents say that there is nobody in the market for a slow point guard with a treacherous left hand and no jump shot. Not even on the Kings! Shit! What will they do? No more Longhorns for Dogus, and no more basketball. Dogus fears that they will throw him out of the country like a common Armenian.

What's worse is that the team has died. No dancing this year. No fun at all. Dexter has started to eat his feelings. Avery Bradley has already sold his books, gone back to Las Vegas, and put all of his money on black. He asked if Dogus wanted to come. Dogus knows better than to dabble in games of chance.

And now Dogus will never get his hands on the trophy. No riches for Dogus, and no wishes either. All he ever wanted was to rub the sweet trophy and meet the genie inside.

Oh no! A yellow turban may get his hands on the precious trophy!


YOU BE GONE, YELLOW TURBAN!

Omar Samhan: What?

Dogus: You'll never fool Dogus! Dogus knows the tricks of the yellow turbans! Dogus has dealings with them before, in the home country!

Omar Samhan: I'm from just outside San Fransisco. Who are you?

Dogus: A thousand apologies. I thought I had seen you before. Nevertheless, HANDS OFF THE LAMP-- er, TROPHY! GOD WILL NOT LET YOU DANCE AFTER TONIGHT!


Maybe this place isn't for Dogus after all. Dogus loves this land, though. They have cleavage. And bacon. And bacon-flavored cleavage. Hopefully Dogus can stay. Maybe he'll get Brad Buckman to put in a good word for him at the Austin Toros. Maybe.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This week: DOGUS PLAYS BASKETBALL IN FOOTBALL PALACE

Dogus is pleased. The Longhorns of Texas are the second-best team in all of the land. But now he must play the Shitheels from Northern Carolina. Dogus has never had much luck with the Northern Carolina. But this time will be different! This time Dogus brings with him Jordan Hamilton from the same neighborhood as Ice Cube. He also brings with him Avery Bradley, from the land that represents the exact opposite of Dogus's land, Las Vegas. What makes the most difference is that they play in a palace built for football Gods.

It is truly glorious. Dogus is in awe of Texan tower of Babel built for God of oil. Dogus thinks the Oil God must be very pleased indeed.

Dogus spies a television. It... it must be a television. IT COULDN'T BE ANYTHING ELSE.

Dogus imagines his favorite show, American pornography on the television screen. Dogus is now terrified at the prospect of 120-foot tall women crushing him to death. Death by snoo snoo.

Now it is the game time. Dogus does not understand the whiteness of the Shitheel team. They even have two of the same white player! Dogus chuckles. This could never work. Dogus is glad that Coach Barnes would never be sucked into the Tobacco Road White Athlete Arms Race.

The game begins. Dogus is described by the famous bald one as "gritty." Dogus plays hard. Dogus has been working on his left hand. The left hand is no longer treacherous. The crowd loves him. Dogus loves this football palace. Dogus loves America more than ever.

The Longhorns reign supreme! The famous bald one said that the Shitheels would win, and he was wrong! Dogus is still puzzled by the bald one's infant infatuation. Everything is 'baby this' and 'baby that.' Dogus cares not, for glory will be his upon his return to Austin. Dexter Pittman and he will imbibe! Oh, will they imbibe!

Monday Morning Sh--t Storm

Veterans day is coming up so lets celebrate our friends in the Armed Forces by shit storming the greatest athlete/serviceman combo's.

We all know the story of Pat Tillman, and there some other great guys out there.

I'll start it off with Chuck Bednarick.

Before Bednarick was an all American at Penn, and the last great two way player in the NFL, he served as a waist gunner on a B-24 Bomber during WWII. You're probably asking what more could this guy do to make me like him more? Well I'll tell you.


Bednarick completely annihilated Frank Gifford. I'm talking ole Frank being out for a year and a half domination. And that's one thing we can all stand up an applaud.

Ok there are a lot of great players out there so lets get after it.

NFL Thoughts of the week

Icehouse has a nice idea with his NBA posts. Good idea, strong idea. I think I'll take it.

So here's the thing. Sitemeter overlords tell me nobody visits on Sunday and we are low on NFL content. there is an infinite amount of NFL information on the internets so what we're going to do is highlight a player/team every week AND we can have this serve as our open thread IF anyone actually stops by and reads this.

/see's two birds
//throws single stone

So our first Hobbersonian highlight is none other than Steven Jackson of the St. Louis Rams.


Steven is the best player on the worst team in the NFL. And what sucks is that if he were playing for any type of competent organization he would be widely considered the best all around back in the NFL. That's right I said it. Look, SJ is much like Marshall Faulk he can run inside, outside, catch, block, tolerate Mike Martz. Sure they have different styles, but their skill sets remain the same.

Anyway, I feel for him. There were rumors of him getting traded. (and the Rams have a long illustrious history of trading away players so they can become stars on other teams) What's worse is that the OC Pat Shurmur has gotten a case of the dumbasses. Last week against the Jags the Rams were in the game, hell they were even winning. How many carries did SJ get in the second half? Something like 3-5, which is bullshit. Hey Shurmur, SJ is like a badass racecar set and when your friends come over all you want to do is dick around with your pogs. This makes you an idiot and borderline asshole. On the real though, everyone gets worried about SJ but he's one of those guys that can take the rock 30 times a game, hell he needs 30+ touches.

Finally, if you want to know more about him, SJ has his own little website. It's ok, he basically talks about how he likes architecture, fashion, and trucking fools.

Alright NFL related issues in the comment section.

It's almost time for tip-off!

That's right, it is. The NBA starts the 27th. Last year I posted a whole host of divisional previews. Six of them, to be exact. The year before that, I did a 30 reasons to watch bit. This year... well this year I was just completely unprepared. And by unprepared I mean that I get home from work and don't care to sit in front of this glowing rectangle much more. So this year, you'll get a bunch of quick hits of little observations that I make.

Today's thing that makes me happy? DeJuan Blair.

Yeah. Dude is right. The Spurs picked this guy up with the 7th pick in the second round. He only was the best player on the most consistently good team of last year. For real real.

He's kind of short. Sure he sort of had knee problems. But he was still stomping around and funking on fools! Fools named Hasheem Thabeet! Remember him? That 7'3" worm with a fat ass had nothing on DeJuan. DeJuan throws his own ass around like he means it.

DeJuan likes playing hoops. He has the footwork, plays with his shoulders all up in grills, and hops. Man I love seeing dudes like this get up. He's got the long-ass arms to cock it back, and he throws down with a WHOOSH. Promptly thereafter, he plummets back to earth, like a beanbag chair tossed from a balcony. Bankshot? Check. Jumpshot? Check. Post moves? Check. Free throws? Nope, but we forgive a lapse at the line when you get boards. Does he get boards? Well, in his first preseason game, he put up 16 points and 19 rebounds in 22 minutes.

/rubs eyes

19 BOARDS?! IN 22 MINUTES?! Must have been some no names guarding him.

//watches film

Nope, it was Chuck Hayes and Luis Scola. If you can play against those guys, you can play against most jabronies in the League. DeJuan got that work.

Long story short, the dude is like Jason Maxiell, except likeable, and with an offensive game. I call him the Loveseat. We'll see if it catches on. Oh, and follow him on twitter. Having a happy-go-lucky dude on your web page is way better than some cocky assbag.

So yeah. Number 45 has me excited for the season.

Dallas Has Gotten Considerably Uglier and Stupider

Yeah. Oklahoma fans remind me of the McPoyles.

So the Red River Shootout is this weekend. I live in Dallas (against my wishes), and the city has been overrun in the past 36 hours with the Oklahoma faithful. They are a bunch of weird fucks, that's for sure.

Yeah, I know I'm a homer. No, I don't care. But looking at these people objectively, there is something off about them. They're just... I don't know. I'm sure they're nice, I'm sure they're good people on the inside. I wouldn't invite them to any party I was throwing, is all.

Their mascot is the Sooner. As in, the people that settled Oklahoma got to the land "sooner" than everyone else. One things: Oklahoma became a state in 1907. Yeah. 1907. As in, Seventy-one years AFTER Texas became its own country. These guys are first and foremost, later than the surrounding settlers. Second of all, they're some fucking quitters. You dipshits stopped your covered wagons in Oklahoma? Were you aware that Colorado was the next state over? Then Utah, California, the Pacific Ocean, and a whole host of other places that are nicer to live than Oklahoma?

And don't get me started on the 'horns down' hand signal. It's just retarded. However, I would like to thank OU fans for the money they give Texas when they purchase Longhorn stickers for the sole purpose of putting them upside down on their not-as-jacked-up trucks.

About the game, specifically. Disney is going balls out to talk about how awesome it is that Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are buddies.

That's all well and good, I'm all for friendship and peace. But, I DON'T WANT MY QUARTERBACK FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! This is war, son! You need that killer instinct! You need to be putting your facemask on someone's chin without hesitation! You need to fire with dead-eye accuracy and without remorse, just like when you shoot varmints!

I hate this weekend.

Week 3 preview

Ok we've been privy to some pretty solid games over the first two weeks. Week 3 leaves us with little in terms of marquee matchups, but there are still some interesting games. The big theme this week is that we will find out a lot about certain teams. Plus, it's CFB, so let's get up and get down.

Tonight we have #14 GT at #20 Miami. Obviously it's a huge conference game for both teams, especially in the ACC where one game can mean the difference between going to the championship game or playing in some random bowl. (The ACC IS competitive albeit in it's own shitty way)GT has fired on all cylinders at times, and at others they look like a literal Rambling Wreck. Defense is average. Another note is that last year GT shredded The U with the run game. I'm telling you, Miami could not stop the midline. The U is also interesting. WE saw the coming out party for Jacory Harris against FSU. The big question was whether that outcome was a result of a shitty FSU defense or a legit U offense. We shall find out.

Friday we have #10 Boise at Fresno. It's a good matchup. Boise wants to impress the pollsters, and Fresno is always a competitive team.

Saturday starts out with ECU at #24 UNC. ECU has lost a lot in past years, but Skip has been known to pull the early season upsets.

#8 Cal at Minnesota. Not really a great matchup but I haven't seen Cal, or Jahvid Best who is putting up Playstation numbers with over 10ypg.....TEN... A F*CKIN TEN!!! The USC game could be epic, but I hear this every year and every year Pete Caroll wins forever.

3:30 games

Tulsa at #8 Oklahoma. Tulsa has a great offense. Does the fall from grace continue?

Tennessee at #1 Florida. Note to Kiffin. Tebow recognizes that pride along with vainglory are deadly sins....and he will smite the.

#3USC at Washington. People are calling this a trap game. I don't Believe. Honestly even if Barkley doesn't play Corp is just as good.

#19 Nebraska at #13 Virgina Tech. Homerism aside, probably the best matchup of the day. Nebraska has looked impressive, although they haven't really played anyone yet. Pelini seems to have The Huskers moving in the right direction, and much of this game will depend on the defense, I-Back Helu, and noob QB Zac Lee. After Tech's offense looked like Pop Warner champs against Alabama, they went ahead and dropped 52 on Marshall with over 600 yards of offense. (444 rushing) I don't know how to react to this. Is this what TT fans feel like? Anyway Ryan Williams and David Wilson went off, and the Nebraska game will show if the pre-season hype is warranted for this offense. Blacksburg is a tough place to play, but look for the Huskers to play very well...almost too well for my liking. For our friends in the Yellow Hammer State, this game can also serve as an indicator of how good your team is that outplayed a Tech team two weeks ago.

Late games.

#17 Cincinatti at Oregon State. Tony Pike has been balling for the past two weeks. The cross country road trip is a great chance to improve the pollsters' opinion of the Bearcats. Also, look for Brian Kelly to be the hot coach for major program openings. Looking at you ND.

FSU at #7 BYU. Great notch on the belt buckle for the Mormons BYU busting campaign. FSU didn't look horrible in the opener against Miami, but again it comes down to the good offense/shitty defense dilemma. The 19 pt performance against the Jacksonville state leads one towards the shitty UM defense theory.

#23 UGA at Arkansas. UPSET ALERT!!! I'm calling it. Sure Arkansas played Missouri State last week. (Which used to be Southwest Missouri State, or SMS. However, everyone there has an inferiority complex and wanted to change their name to Missouri State. The complex stems from the fact that for many people, SMS represents High School+4. The "State" moniker says "Hey I went off and did my own thing, but I still suck on the tit that is high school....and if I flunk out...well state was just too big for me" /offends half of High school graduating class.) But honestly, Mallett+Petrino=good. Plus UGA hasn't been very impressive considering Boone Picken's loss to Houston.

The ABC primetime game is TT at #2 UT. Revenge is an understatement, but typically the Red Raiders get shit on in Austin. Consider this game a Colt McCoy Heisman showcase. But who knows, it's Mike Leach we're dealing with.

On a final note, I'll be out of town this weekend so the live blog will be inactive.

CFB Preview

#2 Texas

Offense: They return basically everybody besides Quan Cosby. Namely Jordan "Van Wilder" Shipley, every running back, pretty much the whole line, and a certain mouth-breathing hillbilly Heisman candidate.

Defense: They lost Orakpo to the League, but bring back College's best drunk driver (I can't wait for jokes like, 'Sergio Kindle ran through those blockers like he does through living room walls'). Texas also brings back the whole defensive backfield, led by the pride of Orange, Deon Beasley.

Special Teams: Ryan Bailey is in fact involved in a Kicker Kontroversy over who will start. With another senior. Get. A. Fucking. Life.

Texas had a legit argument to be in the Championship game last year. However, Texas Tech being the douchebags they are, instead of putting up a fight in Norman, they buried their own faces in shit and let the Sooners stomp them in the nuts all the way to Florida. Whatever, I always enjoy seeing the Horns beat tOSU, especially since it involved a Quan swan song.

The question marks last year pretty much all revolved around the defensive backfield (would've beaten Tech if it wasn't for some late miscues) and the offensive line. They were both filled with underclass superheroes that were prone to the mistakes of youth. They're a year wiser, and a year more athletic. Unfortunately, ALL FOUR TIGHT ENDS have been injured. ALL FOUR. For real? How do you kill an entire position? That's less of a question mark and more of a missing chapter in the playbook. In regards to losing Orakpo, I'm all sorts of jacked to see freshman Alex Okafor get some reps. Dude is a tad weak (because he's 18), but he's got the body type of a Julius Peppers. Texas doesn't rebuild, we reload.

The Horns know the grind of the season. It's the same shit as it always is. Run through some cake like Wyoming, UTEP, and [insert Louisiana college not named LSU]. Then they enter the gauntlet that is the Big XII South. The big games are the same as always. OSU, TT, OU, and the Thanksgiving brother's war.

Analysis is thus: Texas is preseason ranked #2. Anything less than a championship game appearance is below par. Tebow and Florida have the hardware already, and Colt and the Horns need to hit that blue and orange target, or the season is a failure. Thems the breaks.

Caption Contest!

After changing the name of the game from the "Red River Shootout" to the "Red River Rivalry," the game became a little watered-down.

or...

Colt: "Ain't this more fun than partyin'?!"
Sam: "Yeah.... sure."

or...

Sam: "I sure am glad we chose Coach Brown's way of working out our differences, instead of Coach Stoops's."
Colt: "Yeah. What is it with him and throwing knives?"

Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford playing ping pong on the field of the cotton bowl like a couple of foppish dandies. Or like a couple of boy scouts. They just look like wieners.

Zack Stovall Wins GRH Fantasy Football Before It Begins, Mounts Steed of Valor and Glory

ST. LOUIS -- Local man for all seasons Zack Stovall has triumphed over a field of paltry ne'er-do-wellers in the annual Ghost of Roy Hobbs Fantasy Football Tourney 2009, the only contender in FF history to win prior to a down being played in the NFL.

"It was tough," said a glisteningly sweaty Stovall, as four buxom female virgins wiped his noble brow. "I mean the field was really competitive. While it was never really in doubt, I feel like I did my best, and the best man won."

"I'm just happy to have another blip on my already outstanding C.V.; I hope others can be inspired by my bevy of accolades."

Long-time friend and beloved associate of Stovall, known only as 'Icehouse,' said that Stovall's triumph is just one of the reasons he's the most well-liked and popular guys he's ever met.

"I mean, you'd like to assume that it's his washboard abs, chisled jawline, not to mention his flawless sense of style, that got him to where he is today," said House. "But you'd be only partly correct; He just gives so damn much. I can't wait to try for second place, if Zack hasn't already won the silver, too."

A tearful Steve Lattimer admited his burning jealousy at the latest Stovall victory, but also admitted that he would gladly take a bullet for the victor.

"I can't say I hate him, I just can't," said a blubbering Lattimer, through snot and tears. "He's just so good. He is just a poem in flesh."

But what's next for the intrepid young champion of the internets?

"I'm looking into a pretty viable non-profit to build rollercoasters in under-privaleged schools," said a magnanimous Stovall. "You know, what ever I can do to help."

-------

You're not going to let this portly sack of snake excriment win, are you? Sign up for the GRH Fantasy Football Showdown and put the Rosie-O'Donnell-look-a-like and his husky jeans in their rightful place at the bottom of the barrell.

Go to Yahoo.com's Fantasy Football folder and fill in the following info:

ID= 638653
Password=GRH

It's just. that. easy. honkies.

Caption Contest!

Top photo: "Jump for joy while you can, boys, after the first week of the season, we'll have a losing record!"

Bottom photo: "We're totes having a sleepover tonight."

"Alright ladies, let's get 'em!"

Lattimer sent this on, and it is a doozy. Two pictures, a whole lot of bromance. Everyone wins.

The Adventures of Dogus Balbay in America

Dogus Balbay is a point guard for the University of Texas. After playing well in the Turkish basketball league, he has come to the United States to better himself, and hopefully make more money. These are chronicles of the trials and tribulations of culture shock.

This Week: DOGUS IS ADRIFT IN A SEA OF MEANINGLESS SEX

Dogus is on the verge of insanity. He must find some relief from the outside world. The last couple weeks, the world has become insane, and there is nothing Dogus can do about it.

At end of July, there is a party in Austin. It is called Fiji Island, but has nothing to do with actualy Fiji Island. Something completely different. As Dogus approaches the party, they are stopping everybody to look for their passports. Or birth certificates. Or whatever, Dogus doesn't know. Dogus just walks in with Dexter Pittman every time they want the birth certificate. They let Dexter in everywhere except the Mr. Gatti's buffet.

Once inside, there is nothing but Keystone Light and bad American music from the 1980s. Dogus laughs a hearty laugh. The Light Keystone is the worst kind. The 1980s music makes him laugh even harder. 1980s music is all they have in Turkey. There is lots of music in Austin, but none of the people at the party were born in the 1980s.

There are lots of footballers at the party. Dogus has not seen them in quite some time. "Hey Irby" he calls. Blaine Irby turns quickly, and crumples to the tarped and sandy floor in agony. Dogus sure hopes he wasn't responsible for that.

Anyways. Dogus starts talking to girls. Girls like Dogus. Girls like everybody at this party it seems, including each other. They ask Dogus where he's from. The girls don't know where Turkey is. They laugh when he say it. Dexter picks up twelve of them and leaves with Adam Ulatoski.

Dogus wakes up face down on a lawn amidst rubble. He looks up and realizes he is at Sergio Kindle's house. He sure hopes Sergio didn't drive home that night. Dogus just wants school to start. Anything to add order to this insane existence.

Monday Morning Sh*t Storm

Mondays. I'm not even going to point out how much they suck, it goes with out saying. Why we even have the MMSS is to have an open thread that we can occupy ourselves with. However, one thing that can make Mondays OK is having an active and fulfilling social life on the weekends to counteract the shittiness of Mondays. Basically, for a happier Monday, one must party. PARTY.


Now athletes are young, rich, and make their money with their bodies. They also have something called an "offseason." It's like they lumped all their weekends into one giant one. Furthermore, there's only one team that can really say that they succeeded at their jobs. When they do, hooboy is it a party.

You see that? Big Papi is still at the office. He hasn't even really begun to party yet. So for today's Shit Storm, name one party or celebration that you always wanted to go to. They can be parties you know about, like the party where Ray Lewis stabbed people, or one that you just assume happened, like 'Terry Bradshaw's Super Bowl Victory Moonshineathon.'

My choice is the party that the NCAA football National Champion Texas Longhorns had at Matt McConaughey's Beverly Hills mansion. After winning the Rose Bowl, the entire Longhorns team went and had a rager at UT's most famous cheerleader's house. You KNOW that shit was off the chain. Ramonce Taylor was still there, Vince, the Griffin twins, Aaron Ross, Casey Studdard, and even Limas Sweed's crazy ass. It's at a house of the thrower of one of Austin's most infamous fiestas. So yeah. Party.

The Home Run Derby Champ Is Nearly As Wide As He Is Tall. Nothing Wrong With That.

Mon Dieu! We lost!

POINT:
Tony Parker: Mon Dieu! We lost!

How like life. We lose. My solipsism tells me basketball season is over, but the game actually goes on. Very existential. I also lose to a German. History must repeat itself, it seems. I guess I will go contemplate this quandry somewhere were I can do some philosophical thinking.

Ah fuck it. Long summer! I will enjoy it with my millions of dollars and starlet wife. I sure hope she doesn't make me go to Corpus Christi, though. They always pants me there.



COUNTERPOINT:
Tim Duncan: [ENGAGE PROGRAM]=> "SLEEP MODE"